Lauren Flans
@laurenflans.bsky.social
I love three things: my dog, '70s folk rock, and Rachel Weisz. Everything else I am merely tolerating. Check out comingoutpod.com 🏳️🌈 Sorry about all the semicolons; I can't help it.
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
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Lauren Flans
@laurenflans.bsky.social
· Oct 10
Ummmmmm I will not die on *any* hill, because I'm not a beta?? I will die on a mountain.
I keep hearing this radio ad asking people to give money to help "Armenia's captive bears," aaaaaand I gotta be honest: I am an animal lover, but Armenia's bear situation is not even in the Top 50 things I am concerned about rn. Like, godbless, but Armenia's captive bears will have to take a number.
November 25, 2025 at 5:19 AM
I keep hearing this radio ad asking people to give money to help "Armenia's captive bears," aaaaaand I gotta be honest: I am an animal lover, but Armenia's bear situation is not even in the Top 50 things I am concerned about rn. Like, godbless, but Armenia's captive bears will have to take a number.
I love how bat shit crazy The Morning Show's storylines are considering all the characters started out on a fucking morning show. There's a plot point this season that's basically the equivalent of "What if Kelly Ripa was detained in a Belarusian gulag??" Like, I just don't think that will happen.
November 24, 2025 at 4:49 AM
I love how bat shit crazy The Morning Show's storylines are considering all the characters started out on a fucking morning show. There's a plot point this season that's basically the equivalent of "What if Kelly Ripa was detained in a Belarusian gulag??" Like, I just don't think that will happen.
I'm reading a book about metaphors but it's a beast.
I'm reading a book about DNA but it's making me spiral
I'm reading a book about earthquakes but it's not my fault.
November 23, 2025 at 7:29 AM
I'm reading a book about metaphors but it's a beast.
five nights at freddy's 2 should be called ten nights at freddy's do i have to fucking do everything
November 23, 2025 at 6:50 AM
five nights at freddy's 2 should be called ten nights at freddy's do i have to fucking do everything
The blue heating pad is Pierro's heating pad. I bought the grey one today so that I could also have a heating pad. Pierro had other ideas.
November 23, 2025 at 5:41 AM
The blue heating pad is Pierro's heating pad. I bought the grey one today so that I could also have a heating pad. Pierro had other ideas.
oh fuck you guys now jon hamm is doing carvana commercials we are sooooo screwed
gary sinise is in a commercial for pluto tv oh we're in a RECESSION-recession
November 23, 2025 at 3:50 AM
oh fuck you guys now jon hamm is doing carvana commercials we are sooooo screwed
Just saw a commercial for Sprite where they referred to a basketball player named Anthony Edwards as "Anta Claus" and then at the end of the commercial he said "Merry Spritemas to all and to all a good Sprite."
November 22, 2025 at 6:18 AM
Just saw a commercial for Sprite where they referred to a basketball player named Anthony Edwards as "Anta Claus" and then at the end of the commercial he said "Merry Spritemas to all and to all a good Sprite."
Dua Lipa looks like Facetuned Jennifer Connelly (complimentary).
November 20, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Dua Lipa looks like Facetuned Jennifer Connelly (complimentary).
The year is 2060. Black Friday now begins on February 28th.
November 20, 2025 at 8:35 PM
The year is 2060. Black Friday now begins on February 28th.
Science has yet to explain why the coldest temperature on record is my apartment in L.A. in November when the thermostat claims it is 68°.
November 20, 2025 at 2:29 AM
Science has yet to explain why the coldest temperature on record is my apartment in L.A. in November when the thermostat claims it is 68°.
i'm petty sure i could get away from the sound of the woman that loved me idk guess i'm just built different
November 19, 2025 at 10:09 PM
i'm petty sure i could get away from the sound of the woman that loved me idk guess i'm just built different
🚨 Belated COUPLES COSTUME alert! 🚨 Our Covid-conscious group's annual Halloween hangout was postponed to this past weekend, so feast your eyes on AN ELEPHANT AND A PEANUT! 🐘🥜 Pierro wore his homemade costume long enough for these photos to be taken, and then I absolutely had to get it tf off him 😂
November 19, 2025 at 2:30 AM
🚨 Belated COUPLES COSTUME alert! 🚨 Our Covid-conscious group's annual Halloween hangout was postponed to this past weekend, so feast your eyes on AN ELEPHANT AND A PEANUT! 🐘🥜 Pierro wore his homemade costume long enough for these photos to be taken, and then I absolutely had to get it tf off him 😂
Olivia Nuzzi is the Bari Weiss of Elizabeth Gilberts.
(I'm sorry; I hate posts like this but I'm trying to go viral.)
(I'm sorry; I hate posts like this but I'm trying to go viral.)
November 17, 2025 at 9:13 PM
Olivia Nuzzi is the Bari Weiss of Elizabeth Gilberts.
(I'm sorry; I hate posts like this but I'm trying to go viral.)
(I'm sorry; I hate posts like this but I'm trying to go viral.)
Reposted by Lauren Flans
"I'm going to hold your hand when I say this..." Absolutely not. I do not consent to you touching me; you can tell me anything you have to tell me from ten feet away. Use your diaphragm.
November 17, 2025 at 9:20 AM
"I'm going to hold your hand when I say this..." Absolutely not. I do not consent to you touching me; you can tell me anything you have to tell me from ten feet away. Use your diaphragm.
"I'm going to hold your hand when I say this..." Absolutely not. I do not consent to you touching me; you can tell me anything you have to tell me from ten feet away. Use your diaphragm.
November 17, 2025 at 9:20 AM
"I'm going to hold your hand when I say this..." Absolutely not. I do not consent to you touching me; you can tell me anything you have to tell me from ten feet away. Use your diaphragm.
Similarly, I love The Morning Show because the entire premise is basically "What if shitty people were interesting and attractive and occasionally also felt conflicted about being shitty?", none of which I have ever found to be true about shitty people.
The Diplomat is an exhilarating fantasy show that dares to ask the question: what if political leaders weren't some of the dumbest fucking people on the planet??
November 17, 2025 at 8:30 AM
Similarly, I love The Morning Show because the entire premise is basically "What if shitty people were interesting and attractive and occasionally also felt conflicted about being shitty?", none of which I have ever found to be true about shitty people.
If everything is so "woke" now then why did my Roku TV suddenly change to a Landman background, HMMM?
November 17, 2025 at 6:04 AM
If everything is so "woke" now then why did my Roku TV suddenly change to a Landman background, HMMM?
Reposted by Lauren Flans
RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FLIES! (family of jewish flies trapped in a jar)
August 5, 2025 at 9:24 PM
RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FLIES! (family of jewish flies trapped in a jar)
Pierro when he sees on my weather app that it's supposed to rain through Tuesday ☺️
a cat is looking at the camera with the words `` lookin to take a dump on the floor '' written above it .
Alt: a cat looks back and forth above the words "lookin to take a dump on the floor"
media.tenor.com
November 14, 2025 at 8:54 PM
Pierro when he sees on my weather app that it's supposed to rain through Tuesday ☺️
i went to hebrew school with the guy who wrote the olivia nuzzi piece and once i had to leave his house early because i'd been over for hanukkah and he got in trouble for purposely lighting something on fire with the menorah ama (jk pls don't this is the only thing i remember about him)
November 14, 2025 at 8:37 PM
i went to hebrew school with the guy who wrote the olivia nuzzi piece and once i had to leave his house early because i'd been over for hanukkah and he got in trouble for purposely lighting something on fire with the menorah ama (jk pls don't this is the only thing i remember about him)
This is my daughter Lorem and my son Ipsum.
November 14, 2025 at 7:40 PM
This is my daughter Lorem and my son Ipsum.
The Silo world totally sucks, but at least nobody has cell phones.
November 14, 2025 at 6:07 AM
The Silo world totally sucks, but at least nobody has cell phones.
is this about wiener dogs
the dach line is having a rough start to this one.
November 14, 2025 at 1:45 AM
is this about wiener dogs
*youth pastor voice, holiday edition* You know who else has a list of people who've been naughty?
November 12, 2025 at 8:48 PM
*youth pastor voice, holiday edition* You know who else has a list of people who've been naughty?
An entire Queen-size bed, and 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 is how he has positioned himself 🤣🤣🤣
November 12, 2025 at 8:43 AM
An entire Queen-size bed, and 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 is how he has positioned himself 🤣🤣🤣