Laurazepam
@laurazepam.bsky.social
I just do whatever the cats tell me to
Dating in the year 2025
Him: hey wanna meet up?
Me: sure! what day works for you
[days later]
Me: hey there, are you still interested in meeting?
Him: whoawhoawhoa you’re being very pushy rn
Him: hey wanna meet up?
Me: sure! what day works for you
[days later]
Me: hey there, are you still interested in meeting?
Him: whoawhoawhoa you’re being very pushy rn
June 21, 2025 at 10:08 PM
Dating in the year 2025
Him: hey wanna meet up?
Me: sure! what day works for you
[days later]
Me: hey there, are you still interested in meeting?
Him: whoawhoawhoa you’re being very pushy rn
Him: hey wanna meet up?
Me: sure! what day works for you
[days later]
Me: hey there, are you still interested in meeting?
Him: whoawhoawhoa you’re being very pushy rn
Me: ya no I’m totally cool with it
Narrator: she was not in fact, ya no totally cool with it
Narrator: she was not in fact, ya no totally cool with it
April 29, 2025 at 9:27 PM
Me: ya no I’m totally cool with it
Narrator: she was not in fact, ya no totally cool with it
Narrator: she was not in fact, ya no totally cool with it
Went on holiday for 4 days, came back Sat and this was Bagel’s reaction. I’m the worst
April 20, 2025 at 6:36 PM
Went on holiday for 4 days, came back Sat and this was Bagel’s reaction. I’m the worst
Reddit keeps suggesting r/menopause and I’m about to pause my life
April 5, 2025 at 4:39 AM
Reddit keeps suggesting r/menopause and I’m about to pause my life
Gm from your favorite bagel
February 18, 2025 at 4:36 PM
Gm from your favorite bagel
My brain all day: *aggressively anxious thoughts*
My brain at 11pm when I’m trying to sleep: abra-cadab-abracadaaabra! feel the beat under your feet, the floor's on fire! abra-cadab-abracadaaabra!
My brain at 11pm when I’m trying to sleep: abra-cadab-abracadaaabra! feel the beat under your feet, the floor's on fire! abra-cadab-abracadaaabra!
February 5, 2025 at 4:35 PM
My brain all day: *aggressively anxious thoughts*
My brain at 11pm when I’m trying to sleep: abra-cadab-abracadaaabra! feel the beat under your feet, the floor's on fire! abra-cadab-abracadaaabra!
My brain at 11pm when I’m trying to sleep: abra-cadab-abracadaaabra! feel the beat under your feet, the floor's on fire! abra-cadab-abracadaaabra!
Being an adult means spending hours online searching “best toilet reddit”
January 29, 2025 at 12:55 AM
Being an adult means spending hours online searching “best toilet reddit”
I’m medium happy here
January 18, 2025 at 12:35 AM
I’m medium happy here
Me: everyone who says nice things to me is lying
Therapist: are you lying when you say nice things to others?
Me: never
Therapist: so why would you assume they are?
Me:
Therapist:
Me: because shut up that’s why
Therapist: are you lying when you say nice things to others?
Me: never
Therapist: so why would you assume they are?
Me:
Therapist:
Me: because shut up that’s why
January 10, 2025 at 9:26 PM
Me: everyone who says nice things to me is lying
Therapist: are you lying when you say nice things to others?
Me: never
Therapist: so why would you assume they are?
Me:
Therapist:
Me: because shut up that’s why
Therapist: are you lying when you say nice things to others?
Me: never
Therapist: so why would you assume they are?
Me:
Therapist:
Me: because shut up that’s why
Reposted by Laurazepam
WIFE: we're at a nice restaurant so please behave
ME: ok
WAITER: here is our tasting menu
ME:
WAITER:
WIFE: go ahead
ME: *tentatively licks menu*
ME: ok
WAITER: here is our tasting menu
ME:
WAITER:
WIFE: go ahead
ME: *tentatively licks menu*
January 9, 2025 at 1:43 PM
WIFE: we're at a nice restaurant so please behave
ME: ok
WAITER: here is our tasting menu
ME:
WAITER:
WIFE: go ahead
ME: *tentatively licks menu*
ME: ok
WAITER: here is our tasting menu
ME:
WAITER:
WIFE: go ahead
ME: *tentatively licks menu*
The romantasy genre’s so popular with women cause the male main character always makes sure the female main character comes before he does and therein lies the fantasy
January 10, 2025 at 12:35 AM
The romantasy genre’s so popular with women cause the male main character always makes sure the female main character comes before he does and therein lies the fantasy
Reposted by Laurazepam
[ceo tossing and turning in bed] the air. the air they breathe should be a subscription service.
January 5, 2025 at 6:19 PM
[ceo tossing and turning in bed] the air. the air they breathe should be a subscription service.
Reposted by Laurazepam
They should make a paintballing for sensitive boys, where we just gallivant through meadows gently daubing one another with watercolours.
January 8, 2025 at 9:07 PM
They should make a paintballing for sensitive boys, where we just gallivant through meadows gently daubing one another with watercolours.
My favorite thing about cats is how you can’t be near them but they can be near you
January 6, 2025 at 5:22 PM
My favorite thing about cats is how you can’t be near them but they can be near you
Barista: have a good day
Me: love you too
Me: love you too
January 4, 2025 at 8:24 PM
Barista: have a good day
Me: love you too
Me: love you too
Got a letter in the mail from AARP addressed to my mom…who has been dead for 30yrs. So. There’s that.
No follow up joke here. My brain’s literally void of thoughts, just renewed trauma floating around
No follow up joke here. My brain’s literally void of thoughts, just renewed trauma floating around
January 4, 2025 at 6:37 PM
Got a letter in the mail from AARP addressed to my mom…who has been dead for 30yrs. So. There’s that.
No follow up joke here. My brain’s literally void of thoughts, just renewed trauma floating around
No follow up joke here. My brain’s literally void of thoughts, just renewed trauma floating around
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so I scratched and bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: ahahaHAHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
December 22, 2024 at 10:57 PM
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so I scratched and bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: ahahaHAHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I got a stand mixer and went overboard
December 19, 2024 at 4:57 AM
I got a stand mixer and went overboard
Getting your hair done at the salon gives you time to ask yourself the important questions like why your face has to look like your face
December 18, 2024 at 6:31 PM
Getting your hair done at the salon gives you time to ask yourself the important questions like why your face has to look like your face
10am: tired
2pm: tired
5pm: tired
8pm: tired
11pm: popular. you’re gonna be pop-u-lar!
2pm: tired
5pm: tired
8pm: tired
11pm: popular. you’re gonna be pop-u-lar!
December 17, 2024 at 6:16 PM
10am: tired
2pm: tired
5pm: tired
8pm: tired
11pm: popular. you’re gonna be pop-u-lar!
2pm: tired
5pm: tired
8pm: tired
11pm: popular. you’re gonna be pop-u-lar!