James Hazelden
@jameshazelden.bsky.social
Award winning playwright, director, musician, writer, podcaster, failure.
My new play is on sale now - Head | Thorax | Abdomen - https://www.lamama.com.au/whats-on/la-mama-presents-2026/head-thorax-abdomen
My new play is on sale now - Head | Thorax | Abdomen - https://www.lamama.com.au/whats-on/la-mama-presents-2026/head-thorax-abdomen
Pinned
Head | Thorax | Abdomen
A dark, mysterious mindfuck from the edges of reality.
www.lamama.com.au
Thrilled to announce that La Mama Theatre will present my new play, Head | Thorax | Abdomen. It's a dark, blackly comic, sad mystery. Book now.
Shrinkflation… but… penises?
December 16, 2025 at 6:28 AM
Shrinkflation… but… penises?
Today I have been mostly listening to The Ramones.
December 16, 2025 at 12:04 AM
Today I have been mostly listening to The Ramones.
If enough people go woke and go broke, their communities will have more than enough to support them.
December 15, 2025 at 10:31 AM
If enough people go woke and go broke, their communities will have more than enough to support them.
In Dutch, 'van' means from or of.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dick Van Dyke.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dick Van Dyke.
December 14, 2025 at 8:40 AM
In Dutch, 'van' means from or of.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dick Van Dyke.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dick Van Dyke.
Reposted by James Hazelden
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a-leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a-milking
♫ 7 swans a-swimming
♫ 6 geese a-laying
♫
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a-leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a-milking
♫ 7 swans a-swimming
♫ 6 geese a-laying
♫
December 12, 2025 at 1:27 PM
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a-leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a-milking
♫ 7 swans a-swimming
♫ 6 geese a-laying
♫
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a-leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a-milking
♫ 7 swans a-swimming
♫ 6 geese a-laying
♫
I asked AI to write me a joke and now I live in a pencil case with some bees.
December 12, 2025 at 6:52 AM
I asked AI to write me a joke and now I live in a pencil case with some bees.
Reposted by James Hazelden
I'm from a little town called Bethlehem, you've probably never harked of it
December 7, 2025 at 10:40 PM
I'm from a little town called Bethlehem, you've probably never harked of it
Tune into my new podcast.
Every episode is just me apologising for the audio quality for a full ten minutes and that's it.
Every episode is just me apologising for the audio quality for a full ten minutes and that's it.
December 11, 2025 at 3:01 AM
Tune into my new podcast.
Every episode is just me apologising for the audio quality for a full ten minutes and that's it.
Every episode is just me apologising for the audio quality for a full ten minutes and that's it.
I think it's fantastic that The Hague prosecutes war criminals and also makes chocolates.
December 11, 2025 at 1:31 AM
I think it's fantastic that The Hague prosecutes war criminals and also makes chocolates.
We hope that you enjoy looking back and sharing your memories on Facebook, from the most recent to those long ago!
December 10, 2025 at 11:58 PM
We hope that you enjoy looking back and sharing your memories on Facebook, from the most recent to those long ago!
I was walking through my dark apartment last night when I stopped suddenly because I thought I was about to walk into a wall.
It turned out to be my fringe.
It turned out to be my fringe.
December 10, 2025 at 11:51 PM
I was walking through my dark apartment last night when I stopped suddenly because I thought I was about to walk into a wall.
It turned out to be my fringe.
It turned out to be my fringe.
Uranium is the second-heaviest, naturally occurring element on Earth.
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
December 10, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Uranium is the second-heaviest, naturally occurring element on Earth.
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
The first heaviest? My intensity.
YES!
Never store your fruit in the fridge.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
December 9, 2025 at 8:50 PM
Never store your fruit in the fridge.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
For best results, store it in the oven at 300 degrees celsius.
Reposted by James Hazelden
Please buy my new kids' book: "Donald Farting-pants & The Pants That Went Fart!'.
December 9, 2025 at 12:08 PM
Please buy my new kids' book: "Donald Farting-pants & The Pants That Went Fart!'.
Me: I think she's batting her eyes at me.
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
December 9, 2025 at 4:13 AM
Me: I think she's batting her eyes at me.
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
Batman: Yeah? Well I'm going to eye my bats at her!
Me: What?
*Crash*
*Flapping*
*Screaming*
Very much enjoying the excellent debut Arseless Chaps album from @damiancowell.bsky.social and @tonymartin.bsky.social
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
December 9, 2025 at 3:41 AM
Very much enjoying the excellent debut Arseless Chaps album from @damiancowell.bsky.social and @tonymartin.bsky.social
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
Even though they cleverly omitted 5 tracks from the digital release:
My Webster Weighs A Ton, Clint Eastwood, Theme From 'Arseless Chaps' 1 & 2 and I'm in Love With the World.
People always seemed so surprised when a rich celebrity turns out to be right-wing. Yeah. They're rich. They're the ones the right is protecting. If you want to make a difference, don't be surprised, just get a few friends together and go and eat that celebrity.
December 9, 2025 at 3:27 AM
People always seemed so surprised when a rich celebrity turns out to be right-wing. Yeah. They're rich. They're the ones the right is protecting. If you want to make a difference, don't be surprised, just get a few friends together and go and eat that celebrity.
If you find full stops confronting you are going to shit yourself at the ellipsis...
December 8, 2025 at 11:44 PM
If you find full stops confronting you are going to shit yourself at the ellipsis...
Price to see your favourite band in their prime: $25 to $60
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
December 8, 2025 at 11:43 PM
Price to see your favourite band in their prime: $25 to $60
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
Price to see your favourite band when they're past their prime: $160 to $450
I've started doom-scrolling my own Bluesky feed.
December 7, 2025 at 1:39 PM
I've started doom-scrolling my own Bluesky feed.
"They really should consult me - a person with no real experience, education or empathy, before they do literally everything."
- most people on social media
- most people on social media
December 7, 2025 at 12:39 AM
"They really should consult me - a person with no real experience, education or empathy, before they do literally everything."
- most people on social media
- most people on social media
In comedy classes, they say you should turn the joke back onto yourself to take the meanness out of it, so here goes:
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
December 7, 2025 at 12:38 AM
In comedy classes, they say you should turn the joke back onto yourself to take the meanness out of it, so here goes:
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
"Wow - it sure sucks that I'm a senile, racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, psychotic sexual predator and also President of the United States."
'Maybe if I praise billionaires they'll give me some of their immense wealth!'
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
December 6, 2025 at 6:53 AM
'Maybe if I praise billionaires they'll give me some of their immense wealth!'
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
From the makers of, 'we can't tax the rich, in case I unexpectedly become rich one day'.
Today I have been mostly listening to The Dirty Three.
December 6, 2025 at 2:20 AM
Today I have been mostly listening to The Dirty Three.