me: *pulls into gas station*

google maps: and just what in the fuck do u think ur doing

I will never understand US time zones

"It's 5.30 pst"

ok, but why are we whispering?

what the hell is going on in that factory

[Last day as cocktail barman]

ME: This time I'm gonna mix it up a little

MANAGER: You should have been doing that every time

ME: *giggles* I wouldn't say I have a 'type'...

SURGEON: Sir, you're losing a lot of blood

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Logging out of Twitter and logging into Bluesky feels a lot like faking your own death and starting a new life as a mysterious but respected bartender in a quiet coastal New England town

the best part of sitting in the exit row is when the flight attendant comes by to make you swear not to die a coward

do you know how much you have to suck to literally be shooting rockets into space and still be uncool? and yet we have so many rich guys pulling it off. inspiring

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn't u stop hitler

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What's that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now