Ianoppopotamus Rex
@ianfortey.bsky.social
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town.
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Pinned
It's that time of year! I'm doing custom stories! $0.10 per word for any genre, any topic, anything you can imagine. I've been doing these since Twitter. Get your dad a story in which he & Bigfoot fight Martians. Or maybe your cat needs to fight space Nazis. Or maybe you want Hobbit smut. Hit me up!
Maybe pick up a can of soup afterward.
November 16, 2025 at 11:50 PM
Maybe pick up a can of soup afterward.
So if I understand my physics correctly, a Brachiosaurus puking on you would be a little bit like someone pushing a small motorcycle off of a five-story building onto your head.
For #FossilFriday & in honor of @alinemghilardi.bsky.social & colleagues' fantastic discovery of a new Cretaceous pterosaur in Brazil in a dinosaur regurgitalite ("fossil vomit"), here's a diagram I made for my book 'Dinosaurs Without Bones' (2014) showing the physics of a puking brachiosaur. 🧪🦕🤮🪨
November 16, 2025 at 9:58 PM
So if I understand my physics correctly, a Brachiosaurus puking on you would be a little bit like someone pushing a small motorcycle off of a five-story building onto your head.
I think it would be funny to make a shot for shot remake of Avatar, but the Na'vi are just people in denim with cat masks and the various alien horses and dragon things are just bicycles that the denim people tie their ponytails to.
I would release this on Youtube & hope James Cameron watches.
I would release this on Youtube & hope James Cameron watches.
November 16, 2025 at 9:47 PM
I think it would be funny to make a shot for shot remake of Avatar, but the Na'vi are just people in denim with cat masks and the various alien horses and dragon things are just bicycles that the denim people tie their ponytails to.
I would release this on Youtube & hope James Cameron watches.
I would release this on Youtube & hope James Cameron watches.
Researching an article about Costco bread going moldy and tons of people are saying of course bread/bagels go moldy if they sit out for 3 days, that's why they refrigerate their bread.
Dude, where do you live? Is that normal for you? My bread does not go moldy in 3 days. Don't refrigerate bread.
Dude, where do you live? Is that normal for you? My bread does not go moldy in 3 days. Don't refrigerate bread.
November 16, 2025 at 7:57 PM
Researching an article about Costco bread going moldy and tons of people are saying of course bread/bagels go moldy if they sit out for 3 days, that's why they refrigerate their bread.
Dude, where do you live? Is that normal for you? My bread does not go moldy in 3 days. Don't refrigerate bread.
Dude, where do you live? Is that normal for you? My bread does not go moldy in 3 days. Don't refrigerate bread.
It's that time of year! I'm doing custom stories! $0.10 per word for any genre, any topic, anything you can imagine. I've been doing these since Twitter. Get your dad a story in which he & Bigfoot fight Martians. Or maybe your cat needs to fight space Nazis. Or maybe you want Hobbit smut. Hit me up!
November 16, 2025 at 7:39 PM
It's that time of year! I'm doing custom stories! $0.10 per word for any genre, any topic, anything you can imagine. I've been doing these since Twitter. Get your dad a story in which he & Bigfoot fight Martians. Or maybe your cat needs to fight space Nazis. Or maybe you want Hobbit smut. Hit me up!
Got groceries for my elderly neighbor including 2 cans of dark roast coffee. She tells me I got the wrong ones, she never drinks dark roast. I say "I just got what was on the list." She tells me no, it wasn't on the list. I show her the list and she says "oh, that's wrong."
Dude. C'mon.
Dude. C'mon.
November 16, 2025 at 7:30 PM
Got groceries for my elderly neighbor including 2 cans of dark roast coffee. She tells me I got the wrong ones, she never drinks dark roast. I say "I just got what was on the list." She tells me no, it wasn't on the list. I show her the list and she says "oh, that's wrong."
Dude. C'mon.
Dude. C'mon.
Once when I was about 5 my mom gave me a haircut. I remember sitting in front of the mirror & my mom asked me what I thought and I told her I looked like a peewee which, to my mind, meant dick. I thought my mom gave me a penis haircut. My brother called me Peewee for about a year.
November 16, 2025 at 5:01 PM
Once when I was about 5 my mom gave me a haircut. I remember sitting in front of the mirror & my mom asked me what I thought and I told her I looked like a peewee which, to my mind, meant dick. I thought my mom gave me a penis haircut. My brother called me Peewee for about a year.
*hiking across a glacier and falling to our deaths in a hole*
Normal people: Oh shit, we fell into a crevice and we're gonna die down here!
This guy: Actually, this is a crevasse, not a crevice. If this were a crevice it would have been in rock and it probably would have been smaller. But go off.
Normal people: Oh shit, we fell into a crevice and we're gonna die down here!
This guy: Actually, this is a crevasse, not a crevice. If this were a crevice it would have been in rock and it probably would have been smaller. But go off.
1. If America were fascist right now, I would not be posting here. Neither would you.
Instead, I - and you - would be trying to build networks of people *offline* who can support and protect each other, in the dark, rather than yelling at the president and his stooges in our own names. /2
Instead, I - and you - would be trying to build networks of people *offline* who can support and protect each other, in the dark, rather than yelling at the president and his stooges in our own names. /2
November 16, 2025 at 4:46 PM
*hiking across a glacier and falling to our deaths in a hole*
Normal people: Oh shit, we fell into a crevice and we're gonna die down here!
This guy: Actually, this is a crevasse, not a crevice. If this were a crevice it would have been in rock and it probably would have been smaller. But go off.
Normal people: Oh shit, we fell into a crevice and we're gonna die down here!
This guy: Actually, this is a crevasse, not a crevice. If this were a crevice it would have been in rock and it probably would have been smaller. But go off.
*writing a forgettable fantasy novel* David approached on horseback.
*writing an elite fantasy novel* Sir David approached on horseback.
*writing a god-tier fantasy novel* Ser Divad of Stumpmost approached on horseback.
*writing an elite fantasy novel* Sir David approached on horseback.
*writing a god-tier fantasy novel* Ser Divad of Stumpmost approached on horseback.
November 16, 2025 at 4:23 PM
*writing a forgettable fantasy novel* David approached on horseback.
*writing an elite fantasy novel* Sir David approached on horseback.
*writing a god-tier fantasy novel* Ser Divad of Stumpmost approached on horseback.
*writing an elite fantasy novel* Sir David approached on horseback.
*writing a god-tier fantasy novel* Ser Divad of Stumpmost approached on horseback.
If Michael Myers went on CNN, scratched his William Shatner-mask head and said he felt bad about stabbing so many people and he was going to try to stab less people going forward, a good chunk of BlueSky users would be like "What growth! I'd invite this guy over for dinner."
BASH: So you regret the FB post that was taken down of you in 2020 holding a gun alongside "the squad" and liking a tweet of somebody calling for the execution of Nancy Pelosi?
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: Of course I never want to cause any harm or anything bad for anyone.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: Of course I never want to cause any harm or anything bad for anyone.
November 16, 2025 at 2:46 PM
If Michael Myers went on CNN, scratched his William Shatner-mask head and said he felt bad about stabbing so many people and he was going to try to stab less people going forward, a good chunk of BlueSky users would be like "What growth! I'd invite this guy over for dinner."
A vampire, but instead of drinking your blood, he just needs to eat a little bit of your hair.
November 16, 2025 at 6:14 AM
A vampire, but instead of drinking your blood, he just needs to eat a little bit of your hair.
Lightning flashes. You lay in bed listening to the patter of rain & hear a creak down the hall. You sit up and it sounds again, closer this time. You approach the door, pulling it open carefully. Lightning crashes and there in the hallway you see him. John Cougar Mellencamp, sucking on a chili dog
November 16, 2025 at 12:41 AM
Lightning flashes. You lay in bed listening to the patter of rain & hear a creak down the hall. You sit up and it sounds again, closer this time. You approach the door, pulling it open carefully. Lightning crashes and there in the hallway you see him. John Cougar Mellencamp, sucking on a chili dog
Reposted by Ianoppopotamus Rex
Sweet Jesus, looks what was hidden in the Epstein files!
November 15, 2025 at 4:29 PM
Sweet Jesus, looks what was hidden in the Epstein files!
With so many people in the world, it's weird that we all know who literally the worst one is, right? Objectively speaking, when you look at the grand scheme of things, we all know who the worst person on earth is. That's kind of amazing, in a nightmarish way.
November 15, 2025 at 10:35 PM
With so many people in the world, it's weird that we all know who literally the worst one is, right? Objectively speaking, when you look at the grand scheme of things, we all know who the worst person on earth is. That's kind of amazing, in a nightmarish way.
*early doctor scribbling notes*
This person has drowned. They have taken water into their body until it became too much. What is water's greatest weakness? Fire. Smoke! And what is the mouth's mortal enemy? The anus! Smoke in the anus will counter water in the mouth. I will cure death!
This person has drowned. They have taken water into their body until it became too much. What is water's greatest weakness? Fire. Smoke! And what is the mouth's mortal enemy? The anus! Smoke in the anus will counter water in the mouth. I will cure death!
Before CPR there was... blowing tobacco smoke up the bum. One of the recommended procedures for resuscitating "persons apparently dead from drowning", from a 1787 booklet by the Humane Society. More here: https://buff.ly/3FSaQjs
November 15, 2025 at 7:45 PM
*early doctor scribbling notes*
This person has drowned. They have taken water into their body until it became too much. What is water's greatest weakness? Fire. Smoke! And what is the mouth's mortal enemy? The anus! Smoke in the anus will counter water in the mouth. I will cure death!
This person has drowned. They have taken water into their body until it became too much. What is water's greatest weakness? Fire. Smoke! And what is the mouth's mortal enemy? The anus! Smoke in the anus will counter water in the mouth. I will cure death!
Jesus fucking fuck. I hope this digital necromantic fuckstick can never go outside again without someone throwing a tomato at his head. This is some gross shit on a scale that, even for 2025, is impressive.
November 15, 2025 at 6:05 PM
Jesus fucking fuck. I hope this digital necromantic fuckstick can never go outside again without someone throwing a tomato at his head. This is some gross shit on a scale that, even for 2025, is impressive.
Been working for maybe an hour today. Gonna beat this book into submission. We'll see what happens in a few hours.
November 15, 2025 at 5:53 PM
Been working for maybe an hour today. Gonna beat this book into submission. We'll see what happens in a few hours.
Sweet Jesus, looks what was hidden in the Epstein files!
November 15, 2025 at 4:29 PM
Sweet Jesus, looks what was hidden in the Epstein files!
"The thing about Lob Schumer (lobbing is weak chucking...)"
"Looks like ZOC is at it again (Z because she doesn't earn an A)"
"Here comes crazy Hilary Clinounce again (ounce because a ton is big and big is good)"
"Same old Nancy Pelono (si means yes and I will never say yes to Nancy)"
"Looks like ZOC is at it again (Z because she doesn't earn an A)"
"Here comes crazy Hilary Clinounce again (ounce because a ton is big and big is good)"
"Same old Nancy Pelono (si means yes and I will never say yes to Nancy)"
You know it’s a good nickname when you have to explain it.
“Lightweight Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Brown (Green grass turns Brown when it begins to ROT!)…”
“Lightweight Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Brown (Green grass turns Brown when it begins to ROT!)…”
November 15, 2025 at 3:45 PM
"The thing about Lob Schumer (lobbing is weak chucking...)"
"Looks like ZOC is at it again (Z because she doesn't earn an A)"
"Here comes crazy Hilary Clinounce again (ounce because a ton is big and big is good)"
"Same old Nancy Pelono (si means yes and I will never say yes to Nancy)"
"Looks like ZOC is at it again (Z because she doesn't earn an A)"
"Here comes crazy Hilary Clinounce again (ounce because a ton is big and big is good)"
"Same old Nancy Pelono (si means yes and I will never say yes to Nancy)"
There are a million cool monsters in the Godzilla universe and I have always thought King Kong, which was its own separate thing & crossed over one time as a novelty, was the least interesting one. Please stop showing us more and more big monkeys.
FYI: Get your first look at MONARCH: LEGACY OF MONSTERS season 2 featuring the return of Kong. The MonsterVerse is back on Apple TV+ in February 2026.
First MONARCH: LEGACY OF MONSTERS Season 2 Trailer Reveals Release Date
Get your first look at MONARCH: LEGACY OF MONSTERS season 2 featuring the return of Kong. The MonsterVerse is back on Apple TV+ in February 2026.
dlvr.it
November 15, 2025 at 3:25 PM
There are a million cool monsters in the Godzilla universe and I have always thought King Kong, which was its own separate thing & crossed over one time as a novelty, was the least interesting one. Please stop showing us more and more big monkeys.
I bought underworld on DVD a little while ago but never watched it. Let's open it up tonight! It's only been sitting around since *checks expiration date of attached coupon* 2010.
November 15, 2025 at 4:35 AM
I bought underworld on DVD a little while ago but never watched it. Let's open it up tonight! It's only been sitting around since *checks expiration date of attached coupon* 2010.
I can't say for sure who the grossest fucking creep in the world is, but I assume Alan Dershowitz is his lawyer.
Dershowitz: The predecessor on your show described Epstein as a convicted pedophile. He pleaded guilty to one count of having sex for money with a 17-year-and-10-month-old person. That’s not a pedophile.
November 15, 2025 at 2:56 AM
I can't say for sure who the grossest fucking creep in the world is, but I assume Alan Dershowitz is his lawyer.
Reposted by Ianoppopotamus Rex
12 years! Happy birthday wishes and some brick oven pizza crust for Sully
November 15, 2025 at 12:15 AM
12 years! Happy birthday wishes and some brick oven pizza crust for Sully
Now seated for The Running Man. Did I smuggle a 12 inch sub in this time? Yes.
November 14, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Now seated for The Running Man. Did I smuggle a 12 inch sub in this time? Yes.
Because of the time of year, the sun has shifted so far South I can't see it setting over the lake anymore. Now it's to my left all the time
November 14, 2025 at 10:29 PM
Because of the time of year, the sun has shifted so far South I can't see it setting over the lake anymore. Now it's to my left all the time