If there’s ten monkeys jumping on the bed I’m one of them. If there’s one monkey jumping on the bed, it’s me. If there’s no monkeys jumping on the bed, I fell off and bumped my head.

baby casket for sale 😊 never used 😊

i think, theoretically, a cat could understand a venn diagram

cat kinda shaped her body into the letter ‘F’

she’s so talented 🥹

saw a dog alone going down geary in a waymo car, that is the most fucked up thing i have seen in a minute. big great pyrenees dog, alone in the back seat of a driverless car zipping down the road

i’m not even gonna add any commentary to this, yet it still feels crass to post

i am sick of “more monkeys jumping on the bed” discourse. it’s as though these people have no memory of 2017 when one fell off and bumped his head. doctor spoke out against it, mama endorsed doctor’s findings. i’m limiting replies to followers because i do not have the energy for YMMJOTBers today

gonna start rolling out an avril lavigne-esque replacement conspiracy theory about joni mitchell….watch this space

opposite of “fuck off” is “fuck along, then”

BILLIONAIRE: Ive done it all. This world has nothing for me
???: I can give you the mind & soul of Dylan Klebold
BILLIONAIRE: Hm. Jack me in

hell yeah, seatgeek just emailed me and told me i got the geek seat 😎

naming him “forrest gump” feels like a hate crime
*looks at the wikipedia*
okay it IS a hate crime, but for another reason!!

there’s only two types of 1 hour and 14 minute videos in this world