GLENS FALLS, NY—Breaking its own record after scoring a touchdown to rack up its 600th point within the first quarter, the Boston Dynamics dog appeared unstoppable at the Puppy Bowl, sources confirmed Sunday. “It looks like Nacho is headed into the end zone, and—oh no, another brutal tackle from Spot, the robotic dog!” said game commentator Steve Levy, who clutched his head and winced as the gadget began emitting a high-pitched noise that caused the few still-standing puppies to crumple unconscious to the ground. “Oof, that’s gotta hurt! This is one dog that sure likes to play rough. It’ll be interesting to see what he does with the arm he’s protracting. Good God, Spot, no. That’s the referee! Run, everybody. Run for your lives!” At press time, the robotic dog was reportedly showboating with a victory dance on a pile of its opponents’ corpses.

WASHINGTON—Saying he was just more deadweight hampering the executive branch’s ability to function efficiently, Elon Musk confirmed Monday that he had offered himself $10 billion to resign from his position as head of President Trump’s Department of Government Efficiency. “Like many other federal employees, I too have been presented with a buyout option as part […]

WASHINGTON—Saying he was just more deadweight hampering the executive branch’s ability to function efficiently, Elon Musk confirmed Monday that he had offered himself $10 billion to resign from his position as head of President Trump’s Department of Government Efficiency. “Like many other federal employees, I too have been presented with a buyout option as part […]

WASHINGTON—Trying to figure out if he had a third brother he forgot about or if Don Jr. had just lost some weight, President Donald Trump was reportedly struggling Friday to remember how he was related to Elon Musk. “I know that if he’s this high up in my organization this Elon guy must be related […]

WASHINGTON—Saying his latest executive order was legal due to an “underutilized but totally feasible workaround,” President Trump claimed Tuesday that he could overrule the U.S. Constitution by means ...

WASHINGTON—Whining that they were being discriminated against even though they were the “bestest sons ever in the whole wide world,” the Trump Boys attempted Thursday to convince their father that Barron was getting unfair advantages because he was a DEI. “Daddy, Barron is ruining our lives because he’s different,” said a pouting Donald Jr., who […]