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wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Bipolar Boy Detective
@wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
220 followers 150 following 830 posts
Meaningful insights from an absurd, petty human being. The Internet's preeminent anti-horse activist.
He/Him.
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wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
It didn’t help that the daycare woman’s terrible children were all there, refusing to let me play with any toys because I wasn’t going to ascend to heaven in the Rapture like them

My parents wondered why I’d come home like
Toddler Bart Simpson sits curled up on the living room floor, shaken to his core
November 9, 2025 at 3:06 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Making Plans for Nigel
November 9, 2025 at 12:58 AM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
hey guys are you sure about this title?

you’re really sure about that? really tho?

like, for sure for sure?
The IMDb listing for “Jo Nesbo’s Detective Hole,” an upcoming TV series described as being about “A brilliant but troubled detective, Harry Hole.”
November 8, 2025 at 9:12 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Calling it now: this is how they’re gonna try to uncancel Whedon
A thumbnail for yet another podcast hosted by c-list actors, this one called “Once We Were Spacemen” with Nathan Fillion and Alan Tudyk. As it just so happens, they share a common bond of having worked with disgraced hack TV creator Joss Whedon, and both have publicly stated that they totally never witnessed anything wrong about his behavior toward women on his productions. Funny that.
November 6, 2025 at 1:27 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
election season is over

now comes the Nog Season
A fine assortment of egg nogs, now available in your local grocery dairy aisle
November 5, 2025 at 6:00 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
You got something to say bro
The Baltimore Orioles mascot is staring you down.
November 3, 2025 at 7:21 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
For you, the day Dunkin graced your village was the most important day of your life.

For Dunkin, it was Tuesday.
A Facebook post observing the arrival of a new Dunkin location. "Dunkin Donuts on Northen and 70th finally open. No big opening or anything. Just started working in the middle of the day."
October 24, 2025 at 2:29 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
we’ll always remember the good times
Charles James Kirk in his classic adult diaper. Rip 1993 to 2025
September 11, 2025 at 9:03 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Buddy I am like single-handedly keeping New York theaters in the black here
Look at what I do for you people
August 31, 2025 at 6:15 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
I’m so sorry. The same condition just took away my poor Fellini this past winter. It’s horrible and unfair.

All I can say is use every moment with Sandwiches to cherish the time you have.
The one and only Fellini Gelsomina Scott.
August 21, 2025 at 5:44 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
I like to use this for every A24 movie
Uncut gems!
August 21, 2025 at 6:47 AM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
this fuckin guy isn't even trying anymore huh
The book cover for a new thriller, unimaginatively titled THE SECRET OF SECRETS, written by airport bookstore mainstay Dan Brown—author of THE DA VINKI CODE
August 15, 2025 at 3:48 AM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Everyone in the Bari Weiss Grifterverse puts on this performative facade, wholly fabricated from watching Disney Channel alone and having no friends. Now that they're pretend reporters on a fake news blog, they all want to be Regina Georges. They're really just shitty Dawn Wieners.
Heather Matarazzo as Dawn Wiener in WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE (1995), looking uncomfortable dressed in a garish pink sleeveless top and floral print miniskirt that awkwardly frames her gangly adolescent frame--an ill-advised attempt to look cool and fit in with her judgmental classmates.
July 26, 2025 at 3:29 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Eric Adams, packing for another vacation to Istanbul: I sleep in a weird ugly-ass Hotep bed. Do you? Zohran Mamdani, cuddling his beautiful new bride: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
July 24, 2025 at 10:27 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Ray Smuckles the cat reflects on his recent transition to being a Breast Man: "It's like, every lady got a rump! No two ways about it! But... fat titties, man! They like the truffles of the lady-body community!"
July 24, 2025 at 7:24 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Chris Evans as high school football star Jake Wyler looking at a framed photo depicting him looking at a picture of himself, that comes with the corresponding plaque "Jake Wyler, Student Body President, Looking at himself." From the film NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (2001).
July 24, 2025 at 5:27 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
this is when i post from
An image of a smoggy futuristic cityscape at night, with the caption "20 minutes into the future." In the distance, the Channel 23 tower rises high above the city.
July 21, 2025 at 9:20 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
this is where i post from
A wide shot of Spalding Gray monologuing at his signature desk, from SWIMMING TO CAMBODIA (1987)
July 21, 2025 at 9:15 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
at this rate, by 2035 all traffic collisions and vehicular noise complaints will be caused solely by the NYPD and their children's Acuras.
An infographic highlighting quality of life improvements seen since the implementation of Congestion Pricing in New York City. Below the header declaring "Traffic is down," illustrations show travel time has reduced by 8%, car crashes are down by 14%, and there have been 45% less vehicle noise complaints. "Congestion pricing works," it concludes.
July 6, 2025 at 7:56 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
CONFIRMED: this shit hits hard if you’re dumb as fuck
Neanderthal congressperson representing a fetid shithole district Rep. Marge Taylor Greene tweets some lazy racist meme of the Statue of Liberty replaced by a woman in a burqa, with the comment “this hits hard.” The tweet attempts to disguise her petulant racism as some kind of pseudofeminist concern for the sanctity of New York, a city she already openly hates because it’s full of non-white people and doesn’t allow her to shit in a ditch like she does at home.
June 25, 2025 at 10:40 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Dennis Nedry has endorsed Andrew M. Cuomo for New York City Mayor
Actor Wayne Knight as the duplicitous Dennis Nedry in JURASSIC PARK (1993)
June 24, 2025 at 11:13 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
Give him a minute, son. Bruce Springsteen needs to think about his entire life before he buys a new Chevy Camaro.
Jeremy Allen White as Bruce Springsteen in the trailer for "Deliver Me From Nowhere," forlornly balancing the purchase of a new 1982 Chevrolet with the burdens of his weary working class soul.
June 21, 2025 at 12:22 AM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
“what if I did Jim Gaffigan’s ‘Tostada’ bit but made it whiny, miserable and not even compelling to other racists”
that one crusty pedophile from the daily wire getting in his quota of rage bait by grousing about Mexican food. "Every Mexican dish is just a taco in slightly different forms" blah blah blah. It’s frankly so lazy it doesn’t even warrant reaction. But he's also clearly just repeating a half-remembered Jim Gaffigan standup bit from 20+ years ago and trying to sell it to his loser fans as fuel for his white supremacist dogma.
June 11, 2025 at 8:31 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
yer man @primarycinema.bsky.social when disney shut down Muppet*Vision 3D
A guy in sunglasses and a John Deere sweatshirt stands at a rally outside a government building, holding a sign that says "Bring them BACK!"
April 28, 2025 at 11:21 PM
wittiestmanalive.bsky.social
me when my ex "borrowed" my best sweater and scarf and dumped me two days later
A guy in sunglasses and a John Deere sweatshirt stands at a rally outside a government building, holding a sign that says "Bring them BACK!"
April 28, 2025 at 9:56 PM