I take a girl home. We go to the bedroom. She takes off her clothes. “I don’t know how to use that,” I say. “I don’t think I can use that here. Hmm, I don’t want to do that right now.”

the road to happiness is paved with lots of tiny little naps here and there

Nerds are the ones who warned you about cryptocurrency, and NFTs, and the internet of things. Nerds are the ones trying to explain to you that "AI" is just overhyped pattern recognition which we already had for years.

Techbros are not nerds. They're predators.

🎶 At first I was afraid
Then I was petrified
But I’m glad that I jerked off
Before I died 🎶

Me 5 seconds after someone told me their name: “what was their name again?”

Whether you’re loving someone else or just yourself today, I wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day 💕

My cousins turtle/tortoise (idk what it is). Looks like an Arnold to me

I ain’t religious but Puerto Rico is an experience