VATICAN CITY—Recalling that he hid it somewhere among the dozens of sarcophagi underneath St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis was reportedly scouring the papal tombs Thursday in search of the final egg from the Vatican Easter Egg Hunt. “If I can’t find this egg, the catacombs will totally reek,” said the frustrated bishop of Rome while rifling through the final resting place of holy pontiffs, crawling on his hands and knees on the crypt floor to peek under the reliquary of Saint Peter. “I found all the eggs tucked away in the Pietà, the tabernacle, and confessional, and the one I hid in the hands of the embalmed body of Pope John XXIII, so the last Easter egg has got to be down here somewhere.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly filled with disgust after rolling up the sleeves of his cassock, reaching into Leo X’s coffin, and touching the putrefied remains of an egg from 2016.

ALT: a black and white cat is playing with an apple laptop .

EAST HANOVER, NJ—As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly shouted “Show me where autism is made!” Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. “Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no […]