If Alice wins the science fair and everyone in her class gets a ribbon no matter how dumb they are, that's a participation award.
If white men cure polio and land on the moon and that makes you proud to be white even though you're no science person, that's a participation award.
If white men cure polio and land on the moon and that makes you proud to be white even though you're no science person, that's a participation award.
April 15, 2024 at 12:04 AM
If Alice wins the science fair and everyone in her class gets a ribbon no matter how dumb they are, that's a participation award.
If white men cure polio and land on the moon and that makes you proud to be white even though you're no science person, that's a participation award.
If white men cure polio and land on the moon and that makes you proud to be white even though you're no science person, that's a participation award.
The new ad for the Volkswagen Tiguan SUV says its development included 189 all-nighters. Because nothing inspires trust like a complex two ton machine designed by sleep deprived people working for a company so bad at planning that its employees have to work all night.
March 26, 2024 at 7:00 PM
The new ad for the Volkswagen Tiguan SUV says its development included 189 all-nighters. Because nothing inspires trust like a complex two ton machine designed by sleep deprived people working for a company so bad at planning that its employees have to work all night.
Eyes are itching. Hydrating eyedrops didn't help. Allergy eyedrops didn't help. Guess it's time for old faithful, my good-for-everything miracle cure: Tiger Balm.
February 15, 2024 at 11:23 PM
Eyes are itching. Hydrating eyedrops didn't help. Allergy eyedrops didn't help. Guess it's time for old faithful, my good-for-everything miracle cure: Tiger Balm.
"When life closes a door, it opens a window" describes what it's like to try and put an 8 year old to bed.
February 15, 2024 at 4:17 AM
"When life closes a door, it opens a window" describes what it's like to try and put an 8 year old to bed.
New business idea: Fogo de Chaombone
Combines two things people love:
1. All you can eat meat on a stick
2. Trombones
Waiters walk around with meat trombones. Customer asks for meat, waiter extends the slide, customer selects his cut.
Side dishes include all you can eat cheese sticks.
Combines two things people love:
1. All you can eat meat on a stick
2. Trombones
Waiters walk around with meat trombones. Customer asks for meat, waiter extends the slide, customer selects his cut.
Side dishes include all you can eat cheese sticks.
February 8, 2024 at 3:45 AM
New business idea: Fogo de Chaombone
Combines two things people love:
1. All you can eat meat on a stick
2. Trombones
Waiters walk around with meat trombones. Customer asks for meat, waiter extends the slide, customer selects his cut.
Side dishes include all you can eat cheese sticks.
Combines two things people love:
1. All you can eat meat on a stick
2. Trombones
Waiters walk around with meat trombones. Customer asks for meat, waiter extends the slide, customer selects his cut.
Side dishes include all you can eat cheese sticks.
I've been trying to design my own house and it's a lot harder than I expected so I'm giving up and designing bad houses instead.
February 8, 2024 at 3:34 AM
I've been trying to design my own house and it's a lot harder than I expected so I'm giving up and designing bad houses instead.
They should combine the shows "Is It Cake?" and "Nailed It!" to make a show where contestants try to tell which items (shoes, purses, etc.) are real and which are actually cakes made by an ADHD retired cop who doesn't believe in directions. They could call it "Is It Shame?".
February 8, 2024 at 3:30 AM
They should combine the shows "Is It Cake?" and "Nailed It!" to make a show where contestants try to tell which items (shoes, purses, etc.) are real and which are actually cakes made by an ADHD retired cop who doesn't believe in directions. They could call it "Is It Shame?".
I feel like I have seriously misunderstood the Amish.
February 8, 2024 at 3:15 AM
I feel like I have seriously misunderstood the Amish.
I don't know a lot about animal doctoring but I think this picture says that if your dog is infested with worms you should hit it with a brick. Which is the most American healthcare thing I've seen today.
February 8, 2024 at 3:14 AM
I don't know a lot about animal doctoring but I think this picture says that if your dog is infested with worms you should hit it with a brick. Which is the most American healthcare thing I've seen today.
Poor people don't know that fancy seafood restaurants have aquariums where you pick out the lobster you want killed and fed to you. Similarly, fancy steak houses have petting zoos where you can hug your ribeye before putting a hit on it. And at fancy cat cafes...
February 8, 2024 at 3:05 AM
Poor people don't know that fancy seafood restaurants have aquariums where you pick out the lobster you want killed and fed to you. Similarly, fancy steak houses have petting zoos where you can hug your ribeye before putting a hit on it. And at fancy cat cafes...
When I am bored I use Google Maps to look at random cities. Random cities are more interesting than you might think.
February 8, 2024 at 2:36 AM
When I am bored I use Google Maps to look at random cities. Random cities are more interesting than you might think.
People like cooking and remodeling shows.
People like kids.
Cooking now has Junior Bake Off, Top Chef Jr, etc.
Time for Child House Flippers! Watch tiny toddlers deal with knob and tube wiring, hidden water damage, bees in the walls, asbestos roofs, asbestos floor tiles, asbestos insulation...
People like kids.
Cooking now has Junior Bake Off, Top Chef Jr, etc.
Time for Child House Flippers! Watch tiny toddlers deal with knob and tube wiring, hidden water damage, bees in the walls, asbestos roofs, asbestos floor tiles, asbestos insulation...
February 8, 2024 at 2:24 AM
People like cooking and remodeling shows.
People like kids.
Cooking now has Junior Bake Off, Top Chef Jr, etc.
Time for Child House Flippers! Watch tiny toddlers deal with knob and tube wiring, hidden water damage, bees in the walls, asbestos roofs, asbestos floor tiles, asbestos insulation...
People like kids.
Cooking now has Junior Bake Off, Top Chef Jr, etc.
Time for Child House Flippers! Watch tiny toddlers deal with knob and tube wiring, hidden water damage, bees in the walls, asbestos roofs, asbestos floor tiles, asbestos insulation...
I used to like my kids' names but I just read a book about children named Hot Sauce, Beautiful Ruby and Born in the Morning and now I feel like I really missed an opportunity.
February 8, 2024 at 2:03 AM
I used to like my kids' names but I just read a book about children named Hot Sauce, Beautiful Ruby and Born in the Morning and now I feel like I really missed an opportunity.
Dating is hard when you aren't good at conversation. A friend said to ask the other person questions about themselves so I'm working on a list. Here's what I have so far:
1. What is your favorite enchilada?
I admit that I'm off to a slow start.
1. What is your favorite enchilada?
I admit that I'm off to a slow start.
February 8, 2024 at 1:57 AM
Dating is hard when you aren't good at conversation. A friend said to ask the other person questions about themselves so I'm working on a list. Here's what I have so far:
1. What is your favorite enchilada?
I admit that I'm off to a slow start.
1. What is your favorite enchilada?
I admit that I'm off to a slow start.
My kids write fan fiction. My friends write fan fiction. My friends' friends write fan fiction. Apparently everyone writes fan fiction. So i guess i should too.
The Great British Bum Off
Paul walked into the tent wearing nothing but 9 bagels stacked in a highly flattering way...
The Great British Bum Off
Paul walked into the tent wearing nothing but 9 bagels stacked in a highly flattering way...
February 8, 2024 at 12:52 AM
My kids write fan fiction. My friends write fan fiction. My friends' friends write fan fiction. Apparently everyone writes fan fiction. So i guess i should too.
The Great British Bum Off
Paul walked into the tent wearing nothing but 9 bagels stacked in a highly flattering way...
The Great British Bum Off
Paul walked into the tent wearing nothing but 9 bagels stacked in a highly flattering way...
Let's try another game. In Amazing Adventures you travel the world finding things. Let's see, in America we need to find... a coat hanger?
Too soon, game. Too soon.
Too soon, game. Too soon.
February 8, 2024 at 12:47 AM
Let's try another game. In Amazing Adventures you travel the world finding things. Let's see, in America we need to find... a coat hanger?
Too soon, game. Too soon.
Too soon, game. Too soon.
Child: Does anyone know what you wear to go clubbing?
me: Something that doesn't show blood. And something warm. Canada gets cold.
Child: Dad! The bachelorette party is at a club in Mexico, not clubbing baby seals!
me: Well that's lame.
me: Something that doesn't show blood. And something warm. Canada gets cold.
Child: Dad! The bachelorette party is at a club in Mexico, not clubbing baby seals!
me: Well that's lame.
February 8, 2024 at 12:45 AM
Child: Does anyone know what you wear to go clubbing?
me: Something that doesn't show blood. And something warm. Canada gets cold.
Child: Dad! The bachelorette party is at a club in Mexico, not clubbing baby seals!
me: Well that's lame.
me: Something that doesn't show blood. And something warm. Canada gets cold.
Child: Dad! The bachelorette party is at a club in Mexico, not clubbing baby seals!
me: Well that's lame.
I don't like deadbeat dads. Which I assume are dads who beat dead people. But maybe that means they're fighting zombies. That's good, right? I'm so confused.
February 7, 2024 at 8:21 AM
I don't like deadbeat dads. Which I assume are dads who beat dead people. But maybe that means they're fighting zombies. That's good, right? I'm so confused.
How do you get over someone you don't want to love anymore?
Some say to have sex with someone new.
Others say to get a dog.
So logically, if you REALLY wanted to get over someone...
Some say to have sex with someone new.
Others say to get a dog.
So logically, if you REALLY wanted to get over someone...
February 7, 2024 at 8:12 AM
How do you get over someone you don't want to love anymore?
Some say to have sex with someone new.
Others say to get a dog.
So logically, if you REALLY wanted to get over someone...
Some say to have sex with someone new.
Others say to get a dog.
So logically, if you REALLY wanted to get over someone...
I bet Michelin-starred restaurants have great mazes on the back of their kids menus.
February 7, 2024 at 8:09 AM
I bet Michelin-starred restaurants have great mazes on the back of their kids menus.
That which does not kill you makes you stronger. Which is why I only buy cars with salvage titles and date women who fall a lot. I am currently looking for a house with water damage which I will share with an elderly dog that's had multiple surgeries.
February 7, 2024 at 7:55 AM
That which does not kill you makes you stronger. Which is why I only buy cars with salvage titles and date women who fall a lot. I am currently looking for a house with water damage which I will share with an elderly dog that's had multiple surgeries.
Everyone I know has someone except me. I wish I had a chick. I would love her and hold her and bread her and deep fry her and dunk her in sweet and sour sauce. Which is probably why I keep ending up single.
February 7, 2024 at 7:53 AM
Everyone I know has someone except me. I wish I had a chick. I would love her and hold her and bread her and deep fry her and dunk her in sweet and sour sauce. Which is probably why I keep ending up single.
What to put in a hidden room? Satanic altar? I hate hard wood and blood is hard to get out of carpet. Sex dungeon? With a sex swing and sex monkey bars and sex teeter-totter. Oh! What if i combined them? A Sacrificial Sex for Satan dungeon. Hey Satan, see me on this swing? This is for you, big guy!
February 7, 2024 at 7:50 AM
What to put in a hidden room? Satanic altar? I hate hard wood and blood is hard to get out of carpet. Sex dungeon? With a sex swing and sex monkey bars and sex teeter-totter. Oh! What if i combined them? A Sacrificial Sex for Satan dungeon. Hey Satan, see me on this swing? This is for you, big guy!
I've developed reading problems. Words change and I can't tell. My friends worry I'm depressed.
We go to lunch. The menu...
Friend: Do you see burgers?
me: In that section. [point]
Friend: Which one?
me: ...
me: Suicidal Tendencies...
It says Sandwiches & Tenders. My friends keep worrying.
We go to lunch. The menu...
Friend: Do you see burgers?
me: In that section. [point]
Friend: Which one?
me: ...
me: Suicidal Tendencies...
It says Sandwiches & Tenders. My friends keep worrying.
February 7, 2024 at 7:39 AM
I've developed reading problems. Words change and I can't tell. My friends worry I'm depressed.
We go to lunch. The menu...
Friend: Do you see burgers?
me: In that section. [point]
Friend: Which one?
me: ...
me: Suicidal Tendencies...
It says Sandwiches & Tenders. My friends keep worrying.
We go to lunch. The menu...
Friend: Do you see burgers?
me: In that section. [point]
Friend: Which one?
me: ...
me: Suicidal Tendencies...
It says Sandwiches & Tenders. My friends keep worrying.
Finding a house in this market using a "realtor" has been impossible so I've come up with a new idea.
Ahem...
I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD COME AND TAKE ME AWAY, RIGHT NOW!
Ahem...
I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD COME AND TAKE ME AWAY, RIGHT NOW!
February 7, 2024 at 6:57 AM
Finding a house in this market using a "realtor" has been impossible so I've come up with a new idea.
Ahem...
I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD COME AND TAKE ME AWAY, RIGHT NOW!
Ahem...
I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD COME AND TAKE ME AWAY, RIGHT NOW!