Can They Eat the Old '96er
@theold96er.bsky.social
Determining which fictional characters can or cannot finish The Old '96er, a 96-ounce steak. Not affiliated with any film studios or restaurants. Not selling anything. No ads, no sponsors. Just a guy. Feel free to debate my decisions, but be nice about it.
Coming soon: Will the Old '96er be a defender of its title, or will it get punished? Who will be crowned kingpin? Either it's foggy in here, or I'm getting misty just thinking about it.
June 22, 2025 at 7:53 AM
Coming soon: Will the Old '96er be a defender of its title, or will it get punished? Who will be crowned kingpin? Either it's foggy in here, or I'm getting misty just thinking about it.
🛑 Professor X - Despite Logan saying "live a little, Chuck," Charles is too obsessed with decorum to attempt such a feat. He's happy with a sirloin and some veggies. This does not, however, put Charles above being in the "peanut gallery" for those who are trying.
🧵 (15/15)
🧵 (15/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
🛑 Professor X - Despite Logan saying "live a little, Chuck," Charles is too obsessed with decorum to attempt such a feat. He's happy with a sirloin and some veggies. This does not, however, put Charles above being in the "peanut gallery" for those who are trying.
🧵 (15/15)
🧵 (15/15)
❌ Nightcrawler - Kurt's going to give this the old college try. Being nimble burns a lot of calories, as does teleporting. But he's just not getting to the end of this thing. Despite this, he'll still seem pleased with himself for going the distance.
🧵 (14/15)
🧵 (14/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
❌ Nightcrawler - Kurt's going to give this the old college try. Being nimble burns a lot of calories, as does teleporting. But he's just not getting to the end of this thing. Despite this, he'll still seem pleased with himself for going the distance.
🧵 (14/15)
🧵 (14/15)
🛑 Magneto - Did you know that many versions of Magneto are vegetarian, if not vegan? No, serously, look it up. Erik probably won't even set foot in a steakhouse. And with all those sharp knives and other kitchen implements, maybe that's a good thing.
🧵 (13/15)
🧵 (13/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
🛑 Magneto - Did you know that many versions of Magneto are vegetarian, if not vegan? No, serously, look it up. Erik probably won't even set foot in a steakhouse. And with all those sharp knives and other kitchen implements, maybe that's a good thing.
🧵 (13/15)
🧵 (13/15)
✔ Cable - He's similar to Bishop in a lot of ways, but he's not about to turn down a free meal - especially one as big as this. He'll eat that whole steak dutifully. And when he says he doesn't care about the shirt, he means it.
🧵 (12/15)
🧵 (12/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
✔ Cable - He's similar to Bishop in a lot of ways, but he's not about to turn down a free meal - especially one as big as this. He'll eat that whole steak dutifully. And when he says he doesn't care about the shirt, he means it.
🧵 (12/15)
🧵 (12/15)
🛑 Storm - Storm's whole thing is restraint. If she lets go, there's a hurricane in your living room. So she's not about to be tempted into some meat-eating contest. She'll sit with Jean and provide commentary on the others.
🧵 (11/15)
🧵 (11/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
🛑 Storm - Storm's whole thing is restraint. If she lets go, there's a hurricane in your living room. So she's not about to be tempted into some meat-eating contest. She'll sit with Jean and provide commentary on the others.
🧵 (11/15)
🧵 (11/15)
✔ Wolverine - Is there even a debate? A feral personality, plus a healing factor, equals a foregone conclusion. He'll order it as rare as they're allowed to serve it. He'll claim he doesn't care about the shirt, then show up wearing it at the next Danger Room session.
🧵 (10/15)
🧵 (10/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
✔ Wolverine - Is there even a debate? A feral personality, plus a healing factor, equals a foregone conclusion. He'll order it as rare as they're allowed to serve it. He'll claim he doesn't care about the shirt, then show up wearing it at the next Danger Room session.
🧵 (10/15)
🧵 (10/15)
✔ Gambit - Remy will absolutely hate himself in the morning. He'll be a combination of meat sweats and hangover sweats. But he's just reckless enough to finish the steak, sides and all. He'll turn the T-shirt into a sleeveless crop-top, because he understands fashion.
🧵 (9/15)
🧵 (9/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
✔ Gambit - Remy will absolutely hate himself in the morning. He'll be a combination of meat sweats and hangover sweats. But he's just reckless enough to finish the steak, sides and all. He'll turn the T-shirt into a sleeveless crop-top, because he understands fashion.
🧵 (9/15)
🧵 (9/15)
🛑 Jubilee - While she's happy the older X-Men brought her to Paul Bunyan's Cupboard, she's smarter than to try The Old '96er. Plus she just started dating that Sunspot guy. She might even be briefly tempted to try it, but one of the grown-ups will talk her out of it.
🧵 (8/15)
🧵 (8/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
🛑 Jubilee - While she's happy the older X-Men brought her to Paul Bunyan's Cupboard, she's smarter than to try The Old '96er. Plus she just started dating that Sunspot guy. She might even be briefly tempted to try it, but one of the grown-ups will talk her out of it.
🧵 (8/15)
🧵 (8/15)
🛑 Bishop - Technically he can. He absorbs energy. And what's more energetic than 7500 kilocalories of beef? But he's too rigid. He feels like he has to be "on" all the time. And no amount of goading is going to make Bishop order that steak. He'll totally murder a T-bone, though.
🧵 (7/15)
🧵 (7/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
🛑 Bishop - Technically he can. He absorbs energy. And what's more energetic than 7500 kilocalories of beef? But he's too rigid. He feels like he has to be "on" all the time. And no amount of goading is going to make Bishop order that steak. He'll totally murder a T-bone, though.
🧵 (7/15)
🧵 (7/15)
✔ Beast - It's not whether he could. It's whether he would. I'm sure Hank would pretend to be looking at the salads or a New York strip. But a bit of cajoling from Logan later, Beast is the proud owner of a new "I Ate the '96er" T-shirt.
🧵 (6/15)
🧵 (6/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
✔ Beast - It's not whether he could. It's whether he would. I'm sure Hank would pretend to be looking at the salads or a New York strip. But a bit of cajoling from Logan later, Beast is the proud owner of a new "I Ate the '96er" T-shirt.
🧵 (6/15)
🧵 (6/15)
✔ Rogue - She's from beef country. Mississippi has over 800,000 cattle, in nearly 16,000 farms. She's super-powered. She's nigh-invulnerable. Rogue is winning that shirt, easily. Then she's getting dessert. "Need a little help finishing your steak, Scott?"
🧵 (5/15)
🧵 (5/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
✔ Rogue - She's from beef country. Mississippi has over 800,000 cattle, in nearly 16,000 farms. She's super-powered. She's nigh-invulnerable. Rogue is winning that shirt, easily. Then she's getting dessert. "Need a little help finishing your steak, Scott?"
🧵 (5/15)
🧵 (5/15)
❌ Cyclops - He's athletic. He's disciplined. He keeps himself sharp, mentally and physically. And that's exactly why he's going to go home without that T-shirt. He's used to balanced, nutritious meals. The Old '96er will defeat him.
🧵 (4/15)
🧵 (4/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
❌ Cyclops - He's athletic. He's disciplined. He keeps himself sharp, mentally and physically. And that's exactly why he's going to go home without that T-shirt. He's used to balanced, nutritious meals. The Old '96er will defeat him.
🧵 (4/15)
🧵 (4/15)
🛑 Jean Grey - Jean doesn't have to be psychic or telekinetic to know she's not throwing back six pounds of steak. She'll probably enjoy a decent sirloin or a surf-and-turf combo, while (spoiler warning) watching Scott make a fool of himself.
🧵 (3/15)
🧵 (3/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
🛑 Jean Grey - Jean doesn't have to be psychic or telekinetic to know she's not throwing back six pounds of steak. She'll probably enjoy a decent sirloin or a surf-and-turf combo, while (spoiler warning) watching Scott make a fool of himself.
🧵 (3/15)
🧵 (3/15)
✔ Morph - A flexibile physiology means Morph can turn into anyone they'd like - Joey Chestnut, for instance. Or maybe even they'll take on the form of John Candy himself. Either way, Morph wins. And they can technically fit into any size T-shirt they want.
🧵 (2/15)
🧵 (2/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
✔ Morph - A flexibile physiology means Morph can turn into anyone they'd like - Joey Chestnut, for instance. Or maybe even they'll take on the form of John Candy himself. Either way, Morph wins. And they can technically fit into any size T-shirt they want.
🧵 (2/15)
🧵 (2/15)
It's the Old '96er vs. X-Men '97 showdown!
Who's finishing, who's tapping out, and who's not even trying?
Rules: Powers are allowed, but the steak must be eaten. Anything else is cheating.
Do you agree? Disagree? Did I leave someone out? Comment below!
#XMen #XMen97 #Comics #Marvel
🧵 (1/15)
Who's finishing, who's tapping out, and who's not even trying?
Rules: Powers are allowed, but the steak must be eaten. Anything else is cheating.
Do you agree? Disagree? Did I leave someone out? Comment below!
#XMen #XMen97 #Comics #Marvel
🧵 (1/15)
June 13, 2025 at 3:07 AM
June 10, 2025 at 3:07 AM
🛑 Bonus: Wesley Crusher - He'll want to, but Bev will forbid it. When he gets older, he'll realize she was probably right. That won't stop him from forever wondering "what if?"
(9/9)
(9/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
🛑 Bonus: Wesley Crusher - He'll want to, but Bev will forbid it. When he gets older, he'll realize she was probably right. That won't stop him from forever wondering "what if?"
(9/9)
(9/9)
❌ Captain Jean-Luc Picard - He'll think it's silly, but he'll get goaded into it by the others. And he'll regret that choice. Halfway through, he's quoting Moby Dick and Shakespeare, wishing he was back in that Inner Light world.
Data has the conn while he and Will visit sick bay.
(8/9)
Data has the conn while he and Will visit sick bay.
(8/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
❌ Captain Jean-Luc Picard - He'll think it's silly, but he'll get goaded into it by the others. And he'll regret that choice. Halfway through, he's quoting Moby Dick and Shakespeare, wishing he was back in that Inner Light world.
Data has the conn while he and Will visit sick bay.
(8/9)
Data has the conn while he and Will visit sick bay.
(8/9)
🛑 Beverly Crusher - She'll have the salad, while lecturing the other crew members on how the Old '96er is loaded with cholesterol and fat.
❌ Later, out of curiosity, she'll have the replicator make one in the privacy of her own room. She'll get a few ounces in and quit.
(7/9)
❌ Later, out of curiosity, she'll have the replicator make one in the privacy of her own room. She'll get a few ounces in and quit.
(7/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
🛑 Beverly Crusher - She'll have the salad, while lecturing the other crew members on how the Old '96er is loaded with cholesterol and fat.
❌ Later, out of curiosity, she'll have the replicator make one in the privacy of her own room. She'll get a few ounces in and quit.
(7/9)
❌ Later, out of curiosity, she'll have the replicator make one in the privacy of her own room. She'll get a few ounces in and quit.
(7/9)
🛑 Deanna Troi - Nope. She's not even going to try.
"Are you really doing all of this just for a garment?!"
Meanwhile, her empath powers will be going nuts, as she feels the intestinal distress of the people who try. She's got a lot of "I told you so" for Will.
(6/9)
"Are you really doing all of this just for a garment?!"
Meanwhile, her empath powers will be going nuts, as she feels the intestinal distress of the people who try. She's got a lot of "I told you so" for Will.
(6/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
🛑 Deanna Troi - Nope. She's not even going to try.
"Are you really doing all of this just for a garment?!"
Meanwhile, her empath powers will be going nuts, as she feels the intestinal distress of the people who try. She's got a lot of "I told you so" for Will.
(6/9)
"Are you really doing all of this just for a garment?!"
Meanwhile, her empath powers will be going nuts, as she feels the intestinal distress of the people who try. She's got a lot of "I told you so" for Will.
(6/9)
❌ Will Riker - Oh, I want to believe he can do it. He lived on Klingon food, survived unbeatable odds, and he's a fighter. And I think he would order that steak. But I see him tapping out about halfway through. He'd got to med bay afterward, to get lectured by Dr. Crusher.
(5/9)
(5/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
❌ Will Riker - Oh, I want to believe he can do it. He lived on Klingon food, survived unbeatable odds, and he's a fighter. And I think he would order that steak. But I see him tapping out about halfway through. He'd got to med bay afterward, to get lectured by Dr. Crusher.
(5/9)
(5/9)
✔ Worf - Are you kidding me? Not only would he eat the steak, but he'd eat it raw and covered in gagh. He'd comment about how "pointless" the conquest was, while secretly wearing the shirt under his uniform. It is, after all, a symbol of victory.
(4/9)
(4/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
✔ Worf - Are you kidding me? Not only would he eat the steak, but he'd eat it raw and covered in gagh. He'd comment about how "pointless" the conquest was, while secretly wearing the shirt under his uniform. It is, after all, a symbol of victory.
(4/9)
(4/9)
✔ Data - Despite not needing to ingest food or drink, he's shown himself capable on more than one occasion. He'd make short work of that steak. But he'd also ask a zillion questions about why humans find this sort of thing entertaining.
The T-shirt will make a nice bed for Spot, he thinks.
(3/9)
The T-shirt will make a nice bed for Spot, he thinks.
(3/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
✔ Data - Despite not needing to ingest food or drink, he's shown himself capable on more than one occasion. He'd make short work of that steak. But he'd also ask a zillion questions about why humans find this sort of thing entertaining.
The T-shirt will make a nice bed for Spot, he thinks.
(3/9)
The T-shirt will make a nice bed for Spot, he thinks.
(3/9)
🛑 Geordi La Forge - He's smart. He's not full of pride. And he doesn't have anything to prove to anyone. In short: Geordi knows himself.
So he's ordering a nice, regular-sized steak and some veggies on the side. Then he's going to sit back and watch the show.
(2/9)
So he's ordering a nice, regular-sized steak and some veggies on the side. Then he's going to sit back and watch the show.
(2/9)
June 4, 2025 at 4:36 AM
🛑 Geordi La Forge - He's smart. He's not full of pride. And he doesn't have anything to prove to anyone. In short: Geordi knows himself.
So he's ordering a nice, regular-sized steak and some veggies on the side. Then he's going to sit back and watch the show.
(2/9)
So he's ordering a nice, regular-sized steak and some veggies on the side. Then he's going to sit back and watch the show.
(2/9)