The next 4 or 5 years. That or I’ll just kill myself sooner and not move there to make him go through that” and his reaction was telling, because I was, and frankly still am, in a mindset where everything was so fucking awful that dying was brought up as an option as casually as what’s for lunch.

Is too much to bear. Fuck, sometimes another night feels like it is. We’ll see.

A saying in climbing and hiking and whatnot that there’s old climbers and bold climbers, there isn’t any old, bold climbers. I’m a bold climber. I’m a bold hiker. If I make it to 30 I’d be shocked and frankly I don’t even want to make it that long, nearly more than a decade more of this shit is 3/?

Focused on not falling or whatever the risk factor is, that I don’t have the ability to think of anything else. It’s like getting so fucked up drunk that I’m so dumbed down that it doesn’t hurt as much. I think the other factor is that I’m tired. The more risks I can take the better, there’s 2/?

Am I good? Is all I could enough for you?
I'm so scared of when and where I'll find the truth

Because of a few things surrounding him at first. Mainly that we met online first. He treated me telling people I met in person the city I lived in like a betrayal and not progress with working through my fears of others. He doesn’t worry about that anymore. I learned better from him than to trust.

Since realizing that, my fears of being abandoned or hated by the people I care about who Im supposed to trust have gotten 10 times worse. The only thing I have in my life that i feel like I can trust is my dog at this point. He said I gave myself freely to everyone but him. I was extra cautious 6/?

While he went to the other room to go to bed. I don’t know why I was so terrified of my friend hating me for crying. But every friendship I always had felt transactional for the other person until I met the guy that destroyed me. He felt like he truly unconditionally loved me. I was wrong and 5/?

While we fell asleep with some music playing hey there Delilah came on. I was terrified he was going to hate me for it, but I hadn’t cried in months and I just broke down fucking sobbing in his arms. My at home roommate came back to the room and I had to pull myself together for a few minutes 4/?

I sat and cried in my friends arms while hey there Delilah played in the dark one night. I kept apologizing. Begging him not to think differently of me. I was at the point in the night where whiskey stopped tasting like gasoline and started tasting like whiskey. Borderline blacked out drunk and 3/?