be perfect we're only driving ten minutes. I'm worried for my dad. I'm worried for myself. hhhhh. I can do this and once it's done it's done I can shower and go to bed.

mind u I've never seen them deep clean anything so it's barely surprising. but how do people just not see the details? my god.

head. omg. and under the tap there is still mess. like I'm stressed how do I bring this up to them without compromising friendship. the thought of having to go over what they should have done is making me dread it. but I don't want to come off as an asshole either. idk.

go buy some fucking wipes or use toilet tissue omg. or dispose of the cloth! and I'm meant to be vacuuming and mopping all the floors. all they have done is dusted some skirting boards and a normal clean of the bathroom but even less than id consider normal! not even the sink tiles nor the shower

I'm usually a skeptic and can say ooh it's just chance but things I don't even talk or write about with anyone will be mentioned on the exact day and it's just like huh.

be enough and I have to learn to live with it.

I'm so exhausted. not even physical exhaustion or lack of sleep switches off my brain. stupid ADHD. it used to feel good to have a reason to blame things on, but now I just see it for the curse that it is. you could get hundreds of diagnoses but the world will still be abliest. it would never

my sadness is very justified.

people. then maybe they'd see how it affects me. I hate feeling like a child but recognising all of these behaviours. where it all comes from. it's like torture just watching myself be at mercy to all this stuff with no idea how to help myself. I'm tired and crying. I'm silly. but sometimes I think

I have bad anxiety. you know why I have such a fear of d*ath and still you couldn't just do that for me? not to mention they still say things like that around me. I'm ngl sometimes I feel like a fucking wounded animal and that maybe I am a bit mistreated. idk. I wish I'd just cry in front of

but he's peaceful and smart and can be witty so I have enjoyed his company so far. I must sleep.

who can blame me in this economy to dream of a quiet life. they were surprisingly nice about him. not that I thought he was ugly, but it was his id photo and he looked quite scary. I just wish he were taller. I know I have some limerence but he isn't nearly interesting enough to cling on to.

so it's almost acceptable. d ended up joining for the film. he deafened at the start of the call so didn't hear us. didn't even say hi I don't think. but he did dm me our inside joke, so I felt glad. I showed a picture of him to a and b. I told b about him after I realised he was wealthy. yeah yeah!

slices too. we had book club which was ok, I didn't read the book but it was fine. then I had movie club which was my movie, parasite. it was not at all like I imagined but it was interesting. I gave it an 8/10. since I got 4 hours sleep I'm so tired now I'm going to go to bed. it's almost 11pm

depressed atm so we haven't spoken much. so I feel that stupid longing that limerence twists inside of me. and now I remember why it's so addicting. it gives me purpose. it's so pathetic. it's not even like he's particularly interesting or mysterious - or attractive! low self esteem and adhd tysm.

overwhelmed rn. I can't fake being ok. tomorrow I have to go to the house, go to the shop, come home and vacuum, miss book club, go to movie club, pack. it doesn't sound crazy but I am panicked. and I need to shower! I'm just not going to until tomorrow night. sorry a. I need a hug. d is very