Every year I go to the Fringe and every year I finish on Sam's show, because I know it will be brilliant. This one was his best yet

A woman (30s?) is looking down at a small human (5?) who is MOST unhappy.
Mum asks in a stern voice: "Do you need time out Eli?"
Small Human looks at her with heartfelt woe: "NO Mum! No! I just NEED a CHEESE TOASTIE!" (4)

That's how I felt about The Wolf of Wall Street.
My colleagues all said it was amazing and made them what to do more drugs.
I spent 3 hours concerned about my coworkers

I know there was a lot of it out there. But whether it was how I used the app or what circles I stayed in, I managed to avoid it

I never saw anything hate-filled when I still used the Other Place. I only left because most people I followed stopped posting

Oh, he looked great. I just think at funerals you should take extra care to avoid nip slips

I didn't think I could love Nick Mohammed any more. But it turns out, I could and I do

Eeek!

I bought so many Yorkies as a kid. They aren’t even good chocolate bars

I do the same sort of thing when YouTube tries to do a survey.

Have you heard of John Lewis?

Nope. Never heard of it.

But Sundays were the only day we were allowed to turn on the TV without permission! Any cartoons would have done!

The new Naked Gun film was 1 hour and 25 minutes. Ideal