[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

crazy that mary and joseph thought they could just waltz in and book a room during the holidays

for the tenth year in a row neighborhood teens have desecrated my minion nativity scene

[my coworker resting his plate of food down and turning off the music at our staff christmas party] did you just say Bring Crosby?

guy in 3000 bc: remember when tools were made of stone 🪨 now every thing is bronze 😡 we used to live in cave ⛰️ now we sleep in hut 😪 instead of hunting ox 🐮 we make them pull plow 🌾 who else wish we could go back 😩

[trying to butter up the judge in the courtroom] Your honor first let me say you have a beautiful home

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested