there's no more would've could've should'ves. resolution for future me though: being firm with my boundaries when they're being pushed and ignored is *not* mean, and if someone accuses me of being mean as a result, then the final boundary ill set with them is to leave.

and all of them are saying i did what i could, i was more than fair in this situation, and that this is probably the best outcome i could've realistically gotten out of it. and i agree. this is the best it could've gone at this point, since i was too chicken to leave earlier

that even as outside perspectives, even though they're hearing it from me and i obviously have a bias, they're giving me honest opinions. i should trust them more, and i shouldn't minimize their words in an effort to be 'fair', bc it's *not* fair anymore at that point

and also that i should consider changing my behavior around being too fair to people which yknow what? i guess he's right. a lot of my friends were telling me they would've left months ago, and they're right. i should be trusting those friends *and my therapist* more

I act as if I’m starting from point zero, before I’ve even visually designed a character yet, and see where things go. And in Rene and Renee’s case, there isn’t a meaningful difference in terms of visuals or story, while for Alois and Adelheid, there is, bc gender plays a bigger role in their story

But like here’s the thing: the approach I generally take isn’t like “X character as opposite gender”, It’s actually something like “if I were given these traits and told to make two treatments, one with a male character, one with a female character, how would I do it?”

It also kinda ties into their names tbh. Rene and Renee really are only different bc Renee has an extra E (insert estrogen joke). Alois and Adelheid are quite different visually, but there are some key features that they keep personality-wise but also visually (glasses, hair curl, tig biddies)

They also sound the same btw

No one can tell the difference between them except for their SOs.

Alois and Adelheid are different in the sense that being a different gender and potentially being assigned a different sex at birth does alter his backstory meaningfully while for Rene it doesn’t

It’s actually bc while Rene and Renee’s internal sense of gender is different from each other, they have reached the same conclusion about what looks good on their body and how they’d like to outwardly express themselves through clothing and that is three-piece pinstriped suit

I love it when my art is a little bit goofy on the outside but has interesting deeper meaning on the inside yknow? Someone would glance at it and go “haha that’s a funny tongue in cheek reference to how people treat human gender dimorphism as bigger than lanternfish” but when you look a little more