Is the elephant in the room with us right now?

Woke up this morning to find our tree gone. Presents gone. Decorations gone.

Well turns out the Grinch couldn’t figure out the child locks on the door and has been scuttling around on the ceiling all night. Been trying to knock him down with brooms for 2 hours now.

Every year with this shit. 🫠

Kid *swimming in the ocean*: Mom look! I found a wreath in the water! And another one! There’s so many!

Mom: Billy don’t touch that!

Lifeguard: EVERYONE OUT OF THE WATER! YULETIDE! YULETIDE!!

*A wreath hoops around the boy’s neck, dragging him out to sea*

As the weather grows ever more frightful, so too must our fires become ever more delightful. Yet even as the merriment turns to a rabid fervor and the flames lick the ceiling, the weather grows ever more frightful…

Get abandoned in the woods as a baby and get raised by wolves as your first family. Call that a starter pack.

Me: No, please, drink! While I value these last 2 years of sobriety, it’s not something I would ever hold over others.
My wife: I’m so proud of you, Love.
Dan (who’s been following my wife around the party all night telling her how much egg nog he can drink): Bit of a nog-hog myself *snort snort*

This Thanksgiving don’t GIVE your relatives an opportunity to argue!
P̸͙̑l̸̲͆ē̵̮à̷̧s̴̲͠e̵̯̎ ̴̞͘w̴̺͆à̶͙k̸̡̅ĕ̵̞ ̴͍̑u̴̥̐p̸̮̋
Gabbing about immigrants? Try GOBBLING some turkey!
J̴̠̿ů̶̩l̴̨͂i̵̱̓e̴͉̔ ̵͈͊p̵̼̔l̴̞͠ȩ̷͆a̵͉̔s̸̟͠ĕ̵͓ ̷̢̚w̴̭̐a̴̞̕k̴̹̄e̶̤͂ ̷̬͠ŭ̵͇p̸͓͂
Stuff about transgender rights? Try STUFFING your face!
J̴͕̎u̵͚͝ḽ̶̊ȋ̸̟ë̶͔́ ̴̜̀i̷̩̋f̶̟̏ ̵̭̽y̶̳̐õ̵̹u̷̝̔ ̵̡͂c̵͎͛a̸̺̚n̶̯̍ ̶̳͝h̵̰̓ḛ̷͗ḁ̶̓r̶̥̄ ̶̜̑t̸̗̓ḣ̶̩í̶̢ṡ̶̺,̷̤̊ ̶̜̿p̶̣͛ĺ̴̻e̷̯̊a̴̤̕ṣ̶̏e̷̢̛.̶̹́ ̵͍͑P̵̙̓l̴̯͌e̷̙̕ǎ̷̞s̵̞͛ĕ̸͜.̵͚͘
January 6th? More like pumpkin pie FIX!

My friend gifted me this fuzzy egg? I was gonna bring it to the vet but now its stuck to the floor?? Also now there’s like this distant heart beat, a pulse that echoes through the walls. I tapped at one and it knocked loose a bit of plaster and blood spilled from it like a fresh wound???

Got a big work deadline coming up? Try dicing your report into a fine powder and snorting it, entering a trance and whispering the prophecy.

I don’t understand guys who don’t know how to give a girl head. It’s so easy. Get between her legs, whisper the T̴͈̏̒ͅŗ̶̀͝ụ̸̀͠ê̶͈̹ ̵̮̜̿̂N̷͍̖̆ă̶̖͕̊m̸̗͊̈́ĕ̵͈ ó̸̠̲͕̹̥͇̲̫ͅf̷̡̙̲̬̮͑̍ ̴̲̤̖͓͇͑̑̅̾̿̇̂̑̈̐G̷̨̬̟̪̞̺͈̣͔̓̈́̌͋̉ͅö̵̟͔̖̪͎̱̬̝́̀́d̸̛̰̗͓̋͛̽͌́̍, and BAM! She’s ascended. Every time.

So did Jason Waterfalls ever end up dating anyone after he left that singer?

New slogans

Budweiser: Proof no one actually likes beer.

Heineken: Don't drink it. Just hold it.

Coors: Thought we were Budweiser didn't you?

If I ever have a daughter I'm going to name her Lerdo, after my son.

All sex had in an Olive Garden is incest.

(First ultrasound of the pregnancy)

Doctor: Your baby looks very healthy.
Wife: That’s wonderful!
Doctor: In fact... I’ve never seen a baby so healthy. My god… This is the most powerful baby I’ve ever seen. We’re too late!

The static image of the baby turns to face the screen.

Anyone who spells it “catsup” is a mortal enemy of mine. That is unless they pronounce it “cat soup” in person, in which case I would fight to the death for their honor.

Just because it’s a funeral doesn’t mean YOU need to look dead! In this video we’ll be showing you 10 different death-day ready looks to help you breathe some LIFE back into the party!

Me: I’m a bit of a cheeto connoisor.
Her: You don’t know how to spell connoisseur do you?
Me: What?
Her: The word connoisseur. You pronounced it correctly but you spelled it wrong.
Me: How could you possibly-
Her: Spell connoisseur.
Me (tearing up): Please don’t do this.

Hot singles in YOUR area once commanded technology far beyond our comprehension, building gleaming towers of glass and obsidian. But all at once, they vanished, leaving nothing behind but their shining grave stones dotting the land and cutting the clouds.

(Sexting the liminal creature from the space between causality and infinite)

Me: Yeah you got a harrowing gaze but what that abyss do?
Creature: Wow okay how do you keep getting my number?

We keep increasing the number of sacrifices, but I’m starting to think grandma’s bloodlust will never be quenched.