i work up a chub at a urinal so i don’t get shortchanged by any gazers

i refuse to be a passenger in a car if the driver has on those enormous sunglasses that go over other glasses

stay hydrated so if you piss your pants it dries clear

ok but belle fell in love with a damn bison

thieving dogs be like “this is a stick up”

stopped at a college bookstore and drew some textbook dicks to relive old memories

[Garden of Eden]

Eve: Hey, Adam…wanna bone?

Adam: Yeah, as it happens I’m down a rib right now.

eddie vedder: don’t call me daughter

me: you are literally a talking tuba, no one here is calling you daughter

don’t talk to me— just cut my hair please. i’m fine your fine everything’s fucken fine. choppy choppy.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.