I'm sorry I haven't posted in 22 days. I forgot social media existed and was enjoying time with my loved ones. It won't happen again.
December 31, 2024 at 4:46 AM
I'm sorry I haven't posted in 22 days. I forgot social media existed and was enjoying time with my loved ones. It won't happen again.
I will fuck up a bag of corn nuts regardless of the occasion.
December 9, 2024 at 3:18 AM
I will fuck up a bag of corn nuts regardless of the occasion.
Tis the season for chilly ankles.
December 7, 2024 at 12:15 AM
Tis the season for chilly ankles.
My home alarm system is just a tripwire that triggers a stereo to play Ronnie Milsap's "Stranger in my House" at stadium volume.
November 24, 2024 at 4:04 PM
My home alarm system is just a tripwire that triggers a stereo to play Ronnie Milsap's "Stranger in my House" at stadium volume.
I'm sorry but this is a Christmas GNOME. An elf wouldn't DARE dress up like his boss. Gnomes don't give a shit. They're just having fun like the rest of us.
November 24, 2024 at 3:40 PM
I'm sorry but this is a Christmas GNOME. An elf wouldn't DARE dress up like his boss. Gnomes don't give a shit. They're just having fun like the rest of us.
Wanna sit in the middle of your yard but still be under a roof? Gazebos are for you.
November 24, 2024 at 3:12 PM
Wanna sit in the middle of your yard but still be under a roof? Gazebos are for you.
Currently work shopping potential cute Grandma names for the future:
G.O.R.P. - Good 'ol retired person. Will give you a dollar sometimes.
Bobo - "Give your Bobo a hug!" Will hi-five you but refuses to change diapers.
Ref - Carries and blows a whistle A LOT.
Loogie - She'll spit with ya.
G.O.R.P. - Good 'ol retired person. Will give you a dollar sometimes.
Bobo - "Give your Bobo a hug!" Will hi-five you but refuses to change diapers.
Ref - Carries and blows a whistle A LOT.
Loogie - She'll spit with ya.
November 24, 2024 at 3:06 PM
Currently work shopping potential cute Grandma names for the future:
G.O.R.P. - Good 'ol retired person. Will give you a dollar sometimes.
Bobo - "Give your Bobo a hug!" Will hi-five you but refuses to change diapers.
Ref - Carries and blows a whistle A LOT.
Loogie - She'll spit with ya.
G.O.R.P. - Good 'ol retired person. Will give you a dollar sometimes.
Bobo - "Give your Bobo a hug!" Will hi-five you but refuses to change diapers.
Ref - Carries and blows a whistle A LOT.
Loogie - She'll spit with ya.
Watching sports is so fun. You get to pick a team and then let that team determine your mood for the rest of your life.
November 24, 2024 at 2:52 PM
Watching sports is so fun. You get to pick a team and then let that team determine your mood for the rest of your life.
Reposted by Dick Butkus
A big part of anxiety is just being very suspicious of yourself. Like I'm not exactly sure what I'm up to but I don't trust this guy, vibes are off.
November 24, 2024 at 12:32 AM
A big part of anxiety is just being very suspicious of yourself. Like I'm not exactly sure what I'm up to but I don't trust this guy, vibes are off.
'Tis the season... for mucus production.
November 24, 2024 at 2:19 PM
'Tis the season... for mucus production.
Companies who refer to themselves as families are clearly unaware of how few of my family members I actually like.
November 21, 2024 at 5:34 PM
Companies who refer to themselves as families are clearly unaware of how few of my family members I actually like.
I'm not quite old enough to move into the "dish full of loose candy" phase of my life but I'm really looking forward to it.
How long has it been there? Why is it all stuck together? It's all so mysterious.
How long has it been there? Why is it all stuck together? It's all so mysterious.
November 21, 2024 at 5:26 PM
I'm not quite old enough to move into the "dish full of loose candy" phase of my life but I'm really looking forward to it.
How long has it been there? Why is it all stuck together? It's all so mysterious.
How long has it been there? Why is it all stuck together? It's all so mysterious.
"I shall wear little pants underneath my larger pants!"
- Fitzroy Underwear
- Fitzroy Underwear
November 21, 2024 at 5:01 PM
"I shall wear little pants underneath my larger pants!"
- Fitzroy Underwear
- Fitzroy Underwear
Anyone else having an all bean Thanksgiving this year?
November 21, 2024 at 4:57 PM
Anyone else having an all bean Thanksgiving this year?
Reposted by Dick Butkus
Just showed my tits to a cat. I mean I guess technically not tits but what the hell does a cat know? Anyway, it felt good.
November 20, 2024 at 7:38 PM
Just showed my tits to a cat. I mean I guess technically not tits but what the hell does a cat know? Anyway, it felt good.
My therapist: "So how are you?"
Me: "Well, I recently got Oswald Cobblepot and Chester Copperpot confused so NOT GREAT."
Me: "Well, I recently got Oswald Cobblepot and Chester Copperpot confused so NOT GREAT."
November 21, 2024 at 12:00 AM
My therapist: "So how are you?"
Me: "Well, I recently got Oswald Cobblepot and Chester Copperpot confused so NOT GREAT."
Me: "Well, I recently got Oswald Cobblepot and Chester Copperpot confused so NOT GREAT."
Gonna start referring to myself as Mama.
Mama has an iron deficiency.
Mama has an iron deficiency.
November 20, 2024 at 5:54 AM
Gonna start referring to myself as Mama.
Mama has an iron deficiency.
Mama has an iron deficiency.
What's the cut off for trick or treating?
November 20, 2024 at 5:51 AM
What's the cut off for trick or treating?
I can't possibly be expected to work full-time and meet all the demands of my elderly dog.
November 19, 2024 at 10:30 PM
I can't possibly be expected to work full-time and meet all the demands of my elderly dog.
Is Fruit of the Loom still a thing? I'm in the market for some mid quality men's undershirts.
November 19, 2024 at 9:59 PM
Is Fruit of the Loom still a thing? I'm in the market for some mid quality men's undershirts.
All doors should be Star Trek doors. Knobs are so last century.
November 19, 2024 at 12:57 AM
All doors should be Star Trek doors. Knobs are so last century.
Well, tiddlywinks are not AT ALL what I thought they were.
November 16, 2024 at 4:05 PM
Well, tiddlywinks are not AT ALL what I thought they were.
Might buy myself a mylar balloon tomorrow because I'm worth it.
November 16, 2024 at 5:19 AM
Might buy myself a mylar balloon tomorrow because I'm worth it.
Does anyone know how Phil Collins is doing?
I bet he's fine.
I bet he's fine.
November 15, 2024 at 7:51 PM
Does anyone know how Phil Collins is doing?
I bet he's fine.
I bet he's fine.
My favorite part of perimenopuase is the phantom sounds and smells.
One day I was searching my house to figure out what smelled like cat piss but had to stop for a second when I heard a fog horn.
I don't own a cat or live near a body of water.
One day I was searching my house to figure out what smelled like cat piss but had to stop for a second when I heard a fog horn.
I don't own a cat or live near a body of water.
November 15, 2024 at 5:38 PM
My favorite part of perimenopuase is the phantom sounds and smells.
One day I was searching my house to figure out what smelled like cat piss but had to stop for a second when I heard a fog horn.
I don't own a cat or live near a body of water.
One day I was searching my house to figure out what smelled like cat piss but had to stop for a second when I heard a fog horn.
I don't own a cat or live near a body of water.