Lauren Schwein
@laurenschwein.bsky.social
writer, crone, still masking❤️🔥
c'mon man, you used to be fun. you've changed
August 13, 2025 at 4:55 AM
c'mon man, you used to be fun. you've changed
every 30 days my therapist say, "ok, I'll see you next week which is [new month], who let that happen?" and we laugh and laugh as we both slowly age
July 31, 2025 at 5:32 PM
every 30 days my therapist say, "ok, I'll see you next week which is [new month], who let that happen?" and we laugh and laugh as we both slowly age
there’s a huge difference between an everything bagel and an every seed bagel. everything implies like loose bits of metal
June 30, 2025 at 1:21 PM
there’s a huge difference between an everything bagel and an every seed bagel. everything implies like loose bits of metal
Sure Xanax is great for like flying but can it get me through Homeward Bound?
June 22, 2025 at 5:47 PM
Sure Xanax is great for like flying but can it get me through Homeward Bound?
do yourself a favor, don't get drunk and do a quick google search to see if your 3rd grade teacher is still alive
June 21, 2025 at 9:02 AM
do yourself a favor, don't get drunk and do a quick google search to see if your 3rd grade teacher is still alive
Reposted by Lauren Schwein
𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗼𝗿 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗶𝘀 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗿 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼, 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀. ✊🏻
June 11, 2025 at 12:06 AM
𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗼𝗿 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗶𝘀 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗿 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼, 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀. ✊🏻
I've never had as much fun as Acapella groups pretend to have
May 30, 2025 at 5:14 AM
I've never had as much fun as Acapella groups pretend to have
Batman Forever is better than the Dark Knight and that’s not my fault it’s just a fact
a poster for the movie batman and robin with the website batmannotes.com at the bottom
ALT: a poster for the movie batman and robin with the website batmannotes.com at the bottom
media.tenor.com
May 17, 2025 at 7:45 AM
Batman Forever is better than the Dark Knight and that’s not my fault it’s just a fact
the only Pope Leo I recognize
May 8, 2025 at 5:21 PM
the only Pope Leo I recognize
I’m having a no pockets day in a pocket filled world
April 29, 2025 at 8:09 PM
I’m having a no pockets day in a pocket filled world
Was Jesus really a carpenter or did he just make like one bird house at summer camp?
April 24, 2025 at 5:20 AM
Was Jesus really a carpenter or did he just make like one bird house at summer camp?
I really need my therapist to be caught up on The Last of Us
April 23, 2025 at 12:14 AM
I really need my therapist to be caught up on The Last of Us
my FSA company denied my claim for reimbursement because they need a "Letter of Medical Necessity" for my daily vitamins.
April 22, 2025 at 2:50 AM
my FSA company denied my claim for reimbursement because they need a "Letter of Medical Necessity" for my daily vitamins.
the 90’s were wild. they brought folks into school to tell us we had scoliosis and then just left us curvy spined kids to figure it out
April 19, 2025 at 10:20 PM
the 90’s were wild. they brought folks into school to tell us we had scoliosis and then just left us curvy spined kids to figure it out
I love when short people duck getting out of a helicopter
April 15, 2025 at 5:34 AM
I love when short people duck getting out of a helicopter
You got trouble, folks. Trouble right here in River City. With a capital "T” that rhymes with "P" and that stands for piranhas
April 4, 2025 at 5:12 AM
You got trouble, folks. Trouble right here in River City. With a capital "T” that rhymes with "P" and that stands for piranhas
Build A Bear is just taxidermy for children
March 31, 2025 at 6:39 PM
Build A Bear is just taxidermy for children
I’m watching Walk the Line for the first time and every song just sounds like Misbehavin’ from The Righteous Gemstones
March 29, 2025 at 7:16 AM
I’m watching Walk the Line for the first time and every song just sounds like Misbehavin’ from The Righteous Gemstones
me: no one is being mean to me but it feels like everyone is being mean to me
my therapist: that’s called anxiety
me: that is so mean
my therapist: that’s called anxiety
me: that is so mean
March 12, 2025 at 10:07 PM
me: no one is being mean to me but it feels like everyone is being mean to me
my therapist: that’s called anxiety
me: that is so mean
my therapist: that’s called anxiety
me: that is so mean
Reposted by Lauren Schwein
When I worked on The Office, Greg Daniels had a list of questions he asked of every story. Some were show-specific (eg “Are we saying something truthful if exaggerated about office life?”), but many are applicable to any script. Here’s a little thread on them…
🧵1/X
#Scriptsky #Screenwriting
🧵1/X
#Scriptsky #Screenwriting
March 9, 2025 at 8:06 PM
When I worked on The Office, Greg Daniels had a list of questions he asked of every story. Some were show-specific (eg “Are we saying something truthful if exaggerated about office life?”), but many are applicable to any script. Here’s a little thread on them…
🧵1/X
#Scriptsky #Screenwriting
🧵1/X
#Scriptsky #Screenwriting
Happy sleepless hour between 5 AM and 6 AM to al pet owners whose pets don’t understand Daylight Savings
March 10, 2025 at 12:11 PM
Happy sleepless hour between 5 AM and 6 AM to al pet owners whose pets don’t understand Daylight Savings
you should get a lollipop after a mammogram. I’d also accept an apology
February 12, 2025 at 6:34 PM
you should get a lollipop after a mammogram. I’d also accept an apology
any non- bootlicking map apps not doing this shit?
February 11, 2025 at 3:51 PM
any non- bootlicking map apps not doing this shit?
cannibalism is like office Halloween parties
everyone says they’re gonna do it so you go along with it and suddenly you’re the only jerk in a Cat Woman costume eating Jerry
everyone says they’re gonna do it so you go along with it and suddenly you’re the only jerk in a Cat Woman costume eating Jerry
February 11, 2025 at 12:59 AM
cannibalism is like office Halloween parties
everyone says they’re gonna do it so you go along with it and suddenly you’re the only jerk in a Cat Woman costume eating Jerry
everyone says they’re gonna do it so you go along with it and suddenly you’re the only jerk in a Cat Woman costume eating Jerry
I REALLY shouldn’t have taken a melatonin before watching The Substance
February 10, 2025 at 7:13 AM
I REALLY shouldn’t have taken a melatonin before watching The Substance