My neighbors must think I have a new dog 'cause of how loud my new dog is barking

I hope the villain in The Batman 2 is Mad Hatter and I'm not kidding!

my bitch wife won't let me start my pirate themed phone sex hotline

I hope "Saturday Night 2" is about Norm McDonald (played by timothee chalamet) and the OJ Simpson Case

it's come to my attention that referring to my acquaintances on the spectrum as "Friends of Sheldon" does not elicit positive reactions.

Frankly it’s embarrassing how much George Orwell’s “1984” gets wrong about 1984. The publisher should update it to be more accurate, e.g. “Winston heard ‘Eat It’ by Weird Al Yankovic playing on the radio. ‘I’d hate to be Michael Jackson right now!’ he said to Big Brother”

Facebook Marketplace is wild.

Me: where the fuck are my galoshes?

The giant spider-like entity waiting to strike [muffled]: the closet

I am ripped from my slumber, gasping for air. In an instant, my phone is in hand and I'm asking Google "Does Marmaduke have AuDHD?"

apparently referring to the handicap stall as "the executive lounge" gets you kicked outta the mall. And spitting. All the spitting was for sure a factor.

had to call off of work. stepped through one of those glowy gates that said "downgrade" on it. now I'm a fuckin caveman. shoulda stepped thru the "x2" gate. then id have a friend