1. Candy Corn - The undisputed champion of oral torture. A waxy triangle of sugared sadness that tastes like someone melted a crayon with corn syrup and hatred. Not food. Not even technically matter. Scientists believe it's actually a portal to a dimension of pure disappointment.

You're welcome.

3. Bit-O-Honey - For when you hate children but also their dentists.

2. Necco Wafers - Antique chalk tablets that someone mistakenly called "candy." Tastes like sweetened drywall.

6. Dots - A waste of money, sugar, and dental work. Like eating sugared rubber cement.

5. Werther's Original - No. Just no. Grandma's purse is not a Halloween strategy.

4. Good & Plenty - Licorice disguised as something edible. The ultimate Halloween betrayal.

9. Tootsie Rolls - The cockroach of candy - somehow survives every extinction event and ends up in every bowl.

8. Twizzlers - The devil's dental floss.

7. Brachs - Poor people's candy. When you hate the neighborhood children but still want to participate.

"innumerable" fibroids.

Now, I'm looking forward to a future without your baggage. I'm talking white jeans year-round, last-minute vacation plans, a noticeable boost in my budget and a life where my heating pad can finally retire.

It's not me, it's definitely you.

Good riddance,

Your Blissfully Liberated Former Landlord

I won't say we had good times, because we didn't. I will, however, graciously concede that you successfully housed my three healthy children, so thank you for that one productive phase of your residency.

When the opportunity for our glorious separation via hysterectomy arose this past Tuesday, August 5th, I jumped at the chance. I guess you could call it a conscious uncoupling, except I am 100% conscious of how overjoyed I am that you’re gone.