Top Secret! is the funniest movie of all time

Val Kilmer, RIP

I need Amazon Prime but for shit in my house. Like when I’m about to order duct tape, I need a delivery person to just know what random ass drawer it’s buried in and bring it to me.

Got my first OnlyFans bot following me. Maybe this place is going to make it after all.

okay okay OKAY here are all 101 Fast & Furious sequels

Fast & Furious 11: Fa Fu
Fast & Furious 12: Honey, I Fast the Furious
Fast & Furious 13: Anal Nurses
Fast & Furious 14: My Big Fast Greek Furious
Fast & Furious 15: This Time They Drive Trucks

2-Hour Meeting Spent Thinking Up Hashtag Absolutely Nobody On Planet Earth Will Ever Use
theonion.com/2-hour-meeti...

With a Fox News anchor for Secretary of Defense, Dr. Oz for leading the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid, let’s not forget we also have the host of the Apprentice for President.

Weird that PETA sounds like something that meat tastes great on. It’s like “Hey guys did you hear about my new animal rights organization Hamburger Bun?”

Halloween decorations this year are next level. Saw this giant field covered in tombstones. That must’ve taken days to set up.

@blainecapatch.bsky.social thought you might appreciate what this photo is referencing

In 1991 it was cool to marry your girlfriend’s daughter. See: Woody Allen and Peter Pan in Hook.

The lottery is like when you all go in on a present for someone at the office but on a much larger scale.

“Everyone chip in 5 bucks. We are giving Doug in Nevada a billion dollars.”

I asked my wife how I look in my bathing suit. I guess she thought they were too big because she said, “You are swimming in those”

Popsicles are bone-in Italian ice.

don't forget to set your clocks back tonight