[standup comedian voice] y'ever wonder why it's called "stand up"? i read somewhere once that it's because you stand up the bad jokes stand down good eat the joke [pause for effect] ah? ah? [points at a guy in the audience texting on his phone] this guy gets it

"yeah my pussy is self lubricating"

huh what huh ?

Trainer for my new job at the post office: So we put a red seal on any packages with incomplete address information.

Me [heard "red seal" and immediately added my chips and mult to the score and reactivated all relevant Joker effects]: i think i hauve Covid

white tenderqueer polycule at disneyland dragging their age-play "kid" out of the park because magic happens parade featured people in fursuits flaunting their kink in front of children

DEAR EVERYONE TEACHING TORAH THIS HANUKAH:

The idea that you don’t display your menorah publicly “in times of danger” only applies when Jews are literally forbidden from practicing Judaism by state authorities. Not when antisemitism is rising.

Check yer Rashi and yer Shulchan Aruch. Jeez.

eat hot chip and lie actually dates back to 1744

genuinely think i managed to pavlov condition my own damn self bc theres a few youtube channels i usually watch when falling asleep and if i watch them at any other time i get insanely tired and fall asleep

Iced Americana

Everyone argues about Charlie Brown having hoes, but what if Charlie Brown was hoes?

Hot take:

Blanchardians desperately want to play with niche tumblr-style microlabels but are stopped by their fear of being called cringe.

"I'm not a bisexual trans woman, I'm actually a meta-attracted autogynephile!"

This is just micro identity stuff minus the fun flags

watching my favorite Christmas movie today (12 angry men)

~she pull on my lever til I divert the trolley~

god bless the vaguely middle eastern shopkeeper who labelled my shawarma SPYCY i adore him

Amazing picture

god there's so much

Girl math is when you are the problem and not the solution

Me: I love polyarmory

Her: u mean polyamory?

Me, in a full suit of armor wielding a multiple swords: what