Dearest Beloved, I received your missive of Thursday last with the greatest of gratitude, as I and my brave compatriots have five hours now awaited...

🪖🎪 Whatever You Do, Don’t Register for Trump’s Big Empty Parade… Oh no, don’t you dare. Don’t even think about going to America250.org and reserving a seat at Trump’s Great Patriotic Ego Parade, only....

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RICHMOND, VA—Speaking with reporters while opening Ziploc baggies of pretzel twists and baby carrots, local man Stan Keppler said Monday that he has started bringing in lunch from home to cut down on his small joys. “Making your own lunch each day is a great way to reduce your simple pleasures throughout the week—it’s already made a huge difference for me,” the 38-year-old insurance underwriter said as he unwrapped a plain turkey sandwich from aluminum foil that he had woken up 15 minutes early this morning to prepare. “I used to go out for lunch with coworkers and actually enjoy myself every day, but now I just sit at my desk and eat something I packed from home. It’s quick, easy, and has cut my weekly sense of gratification by at least half.” Keppler went on to say that he is considering canceling his cable service as well, which would save him 90 hours of genuine relaxation time a month.