Grant Cattermole - Comedian
@gccomedy.bsky.social
Ōtautahi-based comedian posting dumb jokes
I was talking to a landscaper about redoing my front yard on a tight budget. “Dirt cheap?” I asked him. “Nah mate, costs heaps.”
July 18, 2025 at 8:43 AM
I was talking to a landscaper about redoing my front yard on a tight budget. “Dirt cheap?” I asked him. “Nah mate, costs heaps.”
I read a news article about a man who got beaten to death with an encyclopedia. I guess a little bit of knowledge really is a dangerous thing.
July 16, 2025 at 8:04 AM
I read a news article about a man who got beaten to death with an encyclopedia. I guess a little bit of knowledge really is a dangerous thing.
“If you build it, they will come” absolutely does not work in reverse.
July 13, 2025 at 12:08 AM
“If you build it, they will come” absolutely does not work in reverse.
I’m trying to start a support group for people learning to do scaffolding, but I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.
July 11, 2025 at 10:22 PM
I’m trying to start a support group for people learning to do scaffolding, but I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.
My parents believed in working for your money, but I beg to differ.
July 10, 2025 at 11:40 AM
My parents believed in working for your money, but I beg to differ.
Got a new phone. Looks a lot like my old phone, only it’s permanently on silent mode. Talk about a dead ringer.
July 7, 2025 at 9:53 AM
Got a new phone. Looks a lot like my old phone, only it’s permanently on silent mode. Talk about a dead ringer.
My mum used to hoard a lot, my dad whored around.
July 4, 2025 at 10:36 PM
My mum used to hoard a lot, my dad whored around.
Been training my dog but it hasn’t been going well. I’m trying to teach him to heel but he keeps messing up the spells.
July 2, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Been training my dog but it hasn’t been going well. I’m trying to teach him to heel but he keeps messing up the spells.
Was checking out a new flat and the landlord was telling me that the hot water didn’t work, there was black mould in the ceiling, and it’s impossible to heat in winter. I sarcastically asked him “What about the flaws?” He replied, “Oh, they’re in every room.”
July 1, 2025 at 10:21 PM
Was checking out a new flat and the landlord was telling me that the hot water didn’t work, there was black mould in the ceiling, and it’s impossible to heat in winter. I sarcastically asked him “What about the flaws?” He replied, “Oh, they’re in every room.”
My old teacher used to always tell me to “reach for the sky!” I thought he was trying to be inspirational until he stole my wallet.
July 1, 2025 at 6:43 AM
My old teacher used to always tell me to “reach for the sky!” I thought he was trying to be inspirational until he stole my wallet.
I’m well-read, especially after being in the sun for a few hours.
June 29, 2025 at 9:24 PM
I’m well-read, especially after being in the sun for a few hours.
It was meat week at Pak n Save so I went there to try and find some new friends.
June 29, 2025 at 7:49 AM
It was meat week at Pak n Save so I went there to try and find some new friends.
Considering their name, cockroaches could’ve been way worse.
June 29, 2025 at 6:00 AM
Considering their name, cockroaches could’ve been way worse.
My ex was an interior designer. It didn’t work out, she was into shabby chic but I’m more of a flabby geek.
June 27, 2025 at 12:39 PM
My ex was an interior designer. It didn’t work out, she was into shabby chic but I’m more of a flabby geek.
I was at a staff do and my boomer co-worker asked “Do you mind if I have a white wine?” I said “Sure” and he started complaining about the rates on his bach in Twizel.
June 27, 2025 at 5:36 AM
I was at a staff do and my boomer co-worker asked “Do you mind if I have a white wine?” I said “Sure” and he started complaining about the rates on his bach in Twizel.
Reposted by Grant Cattermole - Comedian
I’ve got a bone to pick but it’s hard to choose a favourite.
June 26, 2025 at 10:07 PM
I’ve got a bone to pick but it’s hard to choose a favourite.
I really miss my old job at the video store, I could always get some action.
June 24, 2025 at 7:07 PM
I really miss my old job at the video store, I could always get some action.
Just moved into a new place and the landlord said he wanted a bond, now we have a games night every Friday.
June 24, 2025 at 11:04 AM
Just moved into a new place and the landlord said he wanted a bond, now we have a games night every Friday.
I love checking out the banned book display at the library, just got a great one about The Beatles.
June 24, 2025 at 8:39 AM
I love checking out the banned book display at the library, just got a great one about The Beatles.
Home is where the heart is. Don’t tell the cops.
June 23, 2025 at 5:14 AM
Home is where the heart is. Don’t tell the cops.
Reposted by Grant Cattermole - Comedian
My fortune cookie is mocking me.
June 20, 2025 at 1:14 AM
My fortune cookie is mocking me.