Fascinating to watch American right-wingers follow Brexiteers down the path of 'Hardship builds character, so blowing our own foot off with a shotgun was actually really clever.'

I shine a laser pointer in my neighbor's window when they're gone. Their cat has trashed 3 sets of mini blinds chasing it. They have no idea it's me. Am l evil? Yes, I am.

A lot of people dream of writing a novel but they're often unsure of the steps to go about it. Here's my handy how-to guide on how to write a novel

My ex-wife and I share joint care of the dog. I make sure there's always a sausage waiting for him in my car so when I pick him up he's so excited to see me he literally jumps into my arms every single time. It's the small wins.

If Biden pre-emptively pardons everyone for anything on March 21st... It's The Purge

Years ago, my son was bullied at school, and the school did nothing. Last week, I saw the now 20+ bully at the pool. He left his clothes, towel, and wallet out instead of using a locker. I took them all and used the cash to buy my son a pint.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Jake Paul to take on the entire cast of Last of The Summer Wine

Anyone and else asking themselves the question: How old will Mike Tyson need to be before I could beat him?

Tyson fight tonight.
If I wanted to watch an old man get beaten up, I'd visit my parents.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I'll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I'll quickly look away and touch my ear like I'm an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I've been doing this I've made 3 people walk away quickly

At the end of some incredible sex with my wife last week, she briefly made a noise like a donkey. I now get flacid thinking about it because it feels like I'm shagging Eddie Murphy. I just know this is gonna cause a chain reaction that ends our 7 year marriage and I'm devastated.

At a family dinner my dad joked that my girlfriend looks a little bit like Ronnie Corbett - while she was sitting at the table with us. I'd never noticed it before but he's right. And now it's all I can see. This might end us. Thanks dad.

Welcome, newcomers from Twitter!
Be kind to each other. Don't litter.
It's not perfect here,
As will soon become clear,
But the other one's certainly shitter.

If anyone needs to take a day off from work anytime, please feel free to use my handy, ultra-adaptable sick cert 👍