As we sort things out at home I'll be checking in periodically to post some things Guppy wanted shared, and make sure a selection of their finer wares make it to good homes.

If you need/want to get in touch with me for any reason at all, you can email me at james [at] jsrn [dot] net

-J

Thank you all for being so lovely. It means the world.

-J

more to sa ybut

feel safer now
familyhere
want sedto wearoff so can discuss w nurse in morning

just gonna drift in n out with fam for now 💚

nursr comin hope she doesn't say i'm just sleepy becsud it's night time

yes they're great

helpiong yes. feel less isolated. still dying but not aalone

i just feel like i'm going to die

and since i'd had the driver paused all night, i hadn't had my meds, & felt terrible. so she gave me all the stat doses she could (namely morphine) & i drifted off for a nap.

i've been napping today & i do feel better.

yeah! & this nurse was the other palliative specialist nurse or whatever (i cannot with their job tities) who'd come for a meeting by amazing coincidence, so i managed to tell her what was up.

ok so the nurse came to replace the syringe, said the battery's almost dead & sometimes this happens. the cyclyzine is crystalising. basicallly harmless, but she wanted to replace the line with a fresh one anyway.

thank you! i felt gaslit all night.

they came, said they can't see anything in the line, restarted it, & gave me stat doses for the meds i missed while i had the drivers paused.

ok but... you really can't see it? it doesn't look clear to me, it looks glittery or something.

well i'm falling asleep regardless.

ugh. the longer the driver is paused, the longer i'm going without my meds. this is gonna be a shit night.

we all have to die someday, so it might as well be today! like literally today. right now. all of us. human extinction. why not.

these people really wanted me to keep restarting this thing, giving me an alarm every hour with sparkles in there? get to my house so we can actually fix this & i can go to sleep.

sat here trying really hard to come up with... some kind of... anything. but it's just shit. it's all just shit, cos *sighs*

it's delaying the inevitable if you are a poor & the service is free.

you know, if i were rich, & could privately put myself together a ragtag medical & nursing crew willing to keep the obstruction from killing me, until some other complication could instead?

tpn is how i'd do it too. worked a treat while i was nil by mouth after my rupture & resection.

alas.