guppy
@crimefish.bsky.social
hospice patient choosing to die at home & choosing to talk about it.
crafts, birbs & terminal cancer.
it/they/fae
unsolicited advice muted, unsolicited medical advice blocked.
posts by my brother James will be tagged -J
crafts, birbs & terminal cancer.
it/they/fae
unsolicited advice muted, unsolicited medical advice blocked.
posts by my brother James will be tagged -J
Pinned
guppy
@crimefish.bsky.social
· Sep 9
meanwhile i've been collecting postcards/art cards/photos/notes from friends to keep in a photo album.
it's something my family can keep to remind them how loved i was. am. still am.
so if you're interested in sending me something to put in it, dm me for my mailing address! no pressure 💚
it's something my family can keep to remind them how loved i was. am. still am.
so if you're interested in sending me something to put in it, dm me for my mailing address! no pressure 💚
[death] Guppy passed away last night at around 11PM. They spent the day with family at their side, and the last thing we did before they drifted off to sleep was settle in for a big group hug and tell each other how much we love each other.
They were so, so loved.
-J
They were so, so loved.
-J
October 13, 2025 at 7:09 PM
[death] Guppy passed away last night at around 11PM. They spent the day with family at their side, and the last thing we did before they drifted off to sleep was settle in for a big group hug and tell each other how much we love each other.
They were so, so loved.
-J
They were so, so loved.
-J
nice. i'm now permanently cathaterised so the pee comes directly frrom my bladder as it fills. tell how hydratated iam because what colour it is (light brown but i'm drinking diorolite, taste shit)
same with my stomach because ng tub.
same with my stomach because ng tub.
October 11, 2025 at 6:04 PM
nice. i'm now permanently cathaterised so the pee comes directly frrom my bladder as it fills. tell how hydratated iam because what colour it is (light brown but i'm drinking diorolite, taste shit)
same with my stomach because ng tub.
same with my stomach because ng tub.
brother & wife comnh hometoday, all family gonna be here with me
October 11, 2025 at 10:23 AM
brother & wife comnh hometoday, all family gonna be here with me
nurse gonna caatheterise & midazolam veryconfuse & sleepy
October 11, 2025 at 10:21 AM
nurse gonna caatheterise & midazolam veryconfuse & sleepy
my symptoms are really terrible atm. something blocking my urine earlier yesterdaay, so had to pee catheterised. they said it was probably just sedation from previous night's meds. had to call night nurse just now to assess extreme light headedness, which is getting worse, not better.
October 11, 2025 at 3:07 AM
my symptoms are really terrible atm. something blocking my urine earlier yesterdaay, so had to pee catheterised. they said it was probably just sedation from previous night's meds. had to call night nurse just now to assess extreme light headedness, which is getting worse, not better.
mum: my daughter's driver is beeping & the tube is cloudy.
hub: does it say occlusion?
mum: yes.
hub: i can tell you how to restart it?
mum: she's been restarting it all night. she stopped when she noticed the line was actually full of particulates.
hub: ...we'll send someone.
hub: does it say occlusion?
mum: yes.
hub: i can tell you how to restart it?
mum: she's been restarting it all night. she stopped when she noticed the line was actually full of particulates.
hub: ...we'll send someone.
October 8, 2025 at 11:48 PM
mum: my daughter's driver is beeping & the tube is cloudy.
hub: does it say occlusion?
mum: yes.
hub: i can tell you how to restart it?
mum: she's been restarting it all night. she stopped when she noticed the line was actually full of particulates.
hub: ...we'll send someone.
hub: does it say occlusion?
mum: yes.
hub: i can tell you how to restart it?
mum: she's been restarting it all night. she stopped when she noticed the line was actually full of particulates.
hub: ...we'll send someone.
the number of times i've thought 'but we have the technology!' only to remind myself i've already had the conversation with them, & they said something like iv fluids would only delay the inevitable, which i said is something we all do by breathing, round & round. palliative just isn't here for that
you know, if i were rich, & could privately put myself together a ragtag medical & nursing crew willing to keep the obstruction from killing me, until some other complication could instead?
tpn is how i'd do it too. worked a treat while i was nil by mouth after my rupture & resection.
alas.
tpn is how i'd do it too. worked a treat while i was nil by mouth after my rupture & resection.
alas.
October 8, 2025 at 10:58 PM
the number of times i've thought 'but we have the technology!' only to remind myself i've already had the conversation with them, & they said something like iv fluids would only delay the inevitable, which i said is something we all do by breathing, round & round. palliative just isn't here for that
[alcohol] i also assigned my sister a job to help me out!
i want to eat my shaved ice slushies, & i want to sip my ice water as my cubes melt. but i also have juice i don't want diluted.
so i thought she'd like to pick me out some whisk...y stones. you know what i mean, some scotch rocks.
i want to eat my shaved ice slushies, & i want to sip my ice water as my cubes melt. but i also have juice i don't want diluted.
so i thought she'd like to pick me out some whisk...y stones. you know what i mean, some scotch rocks.
October 8, 2025 at 3:56 PM
[alcohol] i also assigned my sister a job to help me out!
i want to eat my shaved ice slushies, & i want to sip my ice water as my cubes melt. but i also have juice i don't want diluted.
so i thought she'd like to pick me out some whisk...y stones. you know what i mean, some scotch rocks.
i want to eat my shaved ice slushies, & i want to sip my ice water as my cubes melt. but i also have juice i don't want diluted.
so i thought she'd like to pick me out some whisk...y stones. you know what i mean, some scotch rocks.
[death, food]
me: yeah, i think this is going to kill me.
nurse: *nodding grimly, eye contact with floor*
me: the obstruction obviously isn't going to allow progression to solids.
nurse: *nods at floor*
me: it barely allows water, let alone thicker fluids with fats & proteins.
nurse: *nods*
me: yeah, i think this is going to kill me.
nurse: *nodding grimly, eye contact with floor*
me: the obstruction obviously isn't going to allow progression to solids.
nurse: *nods at floor*
me: it barely allows water, let alone thicker fluids with fats & proteins.
nurse: *nods*
had a meeting with nurse coordinator & we ended up focusing not on infection but on hydration, nutrition & equipment for the ng tube. we were both satisfied at the end.
October 8, 2025 at 1:27 PM
[death, food]
me: yeah, i think this is going to kill me.
nurse: *nodding grimly, eye contact with floor*
me: the obstruction obviously isn't going to allow progression to solids.
nurse: *nods at floor*
me: it barely allows water, let alone thicker fluids with fats & proteins.
nurse: *nods*
me: yeah, i think this is going to kill me.
nurse: *nodding grimly, eye contact with floor*
me: the obstruction obviously isn't going to allow progression to solids.
nurse: *nods at floor*
me: it barely allows water, let alone thicker fluids with fats & proteins.
nurse: *nods*
had a meeting with nurse coordinator & we ended up focusing not on infection but on hydration, nutrition & equipment for the ng tube. we were both satisfied at the end.
October 8, 2025 at 11:24 AM
had a meeting with nurse coordinator & we ended up focusing not on infection but on hydration, nutrition & equipment for the ng tube. we were both satisfied at the end.
our brother's response is "k"
i asked him not to be glued to his phone on my account, so from what few messages he's sent, it sounds like he's having a nice comfy relaxing time with his wife & a few friends.
which is exactly what i wanted. he's not abandoning anything. he's respecting my wishes.
i asked him not to be glued to his phone on my account, so from what few messages he's sent, it sounds like he's having a nice comfy relaxing time with his wife & a few friends.
which is exactly what i wanted. he's not abandoning anything. he's respecting my wishes.
my sister has just told me that she's furious with our brother for abandoning us ???
so she thinks the closer they are to me in physical proximity, the more "here for you" they are. doesn't matter what else they're doing or not doing.
this could be the biggest breakthrough understanding her so far
so she thinks the closer they are to me in physical proximity, the more "here for you" they are. doesn't matter what else they're doing or not doing.
this could be the biggest breakthrough understanding her so far
October 8, 2025 at 4:11 AM
our brother's response is "k"
i asked him not to be glued to his phone on my account, so from what few messages he's sent, it sounds like he's having a nice comfy relaxing time with his wife & a few friends.
which is exactly what i wanted. he's not abandoning anything. he's respecting my wishes.
i asked him not to be glued to his phone on my account, so from what few messages he's sent, it sounds like he's having a nice comfy relaxing time with his wife & a few friends.
which is exactly what i wanted. he's not abandoning anything. he's respecting my wishes.
my sister has just told me that she's furious with our brother for abandoning us ???
so she thinks the closer they are to me in physical proximity, the more "here for you" they are. doesn't matter what else they're doing or not doing.
this could be the biggest breakthrough understanding her so far
so she thinks the closer they are to me in physical proximity, the more "here for you" they are. doesn't matter what else they're doing or not doing.
this could be the biggest breakthrough understanding her so far
October 7, 2025 at 5:44 PM
my sister has just told me that she's furious with our brother for abandoning us ???
so she thinks the closer they are to me in physical proximity, the more "here for you" they are. doesn't matter what else they're doing or not doing.
this could be the biggest breakthrough understanding her so far
so she thinks the closer they are to me in physical proximity, the more "here for you" they are. doesn't matter what else they're doing or not doing.
this could be the biggest breakthrough understanding her so far
*mum opens front door to nurse*
nurse: aww, bless you. so how've you been getting on? *pouts sympathetically*
mum: yeah not so bad.
nurse: any sleep? appetite? gotta keep your strength up!
mum: yeah, it's not easy to keep caught up.
nurse: aww, bless you. so how've you been getting on? *pouts sympathetically*
mum: yeah not so bad.
nurse: any sleep? appetite? gotta keep your strength up!
mum: yeah, it's not easy to keep caught up.
October 7, 2025 at 4:33 PM
*mum opens front door to nurse*
nurse: aww, bless you. so how've you been getting on? *pouts sympathetically*
mum: yeah not so bad.
nurse: any sleep? appetite? gotta keep your strength up!
mum: yeah, it's not easy to keep caught up.
nurse: aww, bless you. so how've you been getting on? *pouts sympathetically*
mum: yeah not so bad.
nurse: any sleep? appetite? gotta keep your strength up!
mum: yeah, it's not easy to keep caught up.
this morning mum walked in to see me sleeping bolt upright, & kind of jerking my head & arms.
she says she was shaking me but i could only hear her shouting in the distance "KATE. you. are. asleep! lie. down! before you fall & hurt yourself!" but i couldn't wake up & move to put myself to bed
she says she was shaking me but i could only hear her shouting in the distance "KATE. you. are. asleep! lie. down! before you fall & hurt yourself!" but i couldn't wake up & move to put myself to bed
October 7, 2025 at 2:10 PM
this morning mum walked in to see me sleeping bolt upright, & kind of jerking my head & arms.
she says she was shaking me but i could only hear her shouting in the distance "KATE. you. are. asleep! lie. down! before you fall & hurt yourself!" but i couldn't wake up & move to put myself to bed
she says she was shaking me but i could only hear her shouting in the distance "KATE. you. are. asleep! lie. down! before you fall & hurt yourself!" but i couldn't wake up & move to put myself to bed
mum: i never get any sleep on this sofa. 😔
also mum: head touches pillow & immediately begins to snore, before we can do my brother's bedtime routine of making sure my ice & water are full, & everything i might need is within reach for the night.
i hope i don't need to wake her for anything. 😔
also mum: head touches pillow & immediately begins to snore, before we can do my brother's bedtime routine of making sure my ice & water are full, & everything i might need is within reach for the night.
i hope i don't need to wake her for anything. 😔
October 6, 2025 at 8:26 PM
mum: i never get any sleep on this sofa. 😔
also mum: head touches pillow & immediately begins to snore, before we can do my brother's bedtime routine of making sure my ice & water are full, & everything i might need is within reach for the night.
i hope i don't need to wake her for anything. 😔
also mum: head touches pillow & immediately begins to snore, before we can do my brother's bedtime routine of making sure my ice & water are full, & everything i might need is within reach for the night.
i hope i don't need to wake her for anything. 😔
my brother's going home to his wife today, & they're going to spend the week enjoying the autumn festival together, which i think is a perfectly lovely idea!
i hope they have the best time, because i've kept them apart for weeks & they haven't expressed even the mildest complaint.
i hope they have the best time, because i've kept them apart for weeks & they haven't expressed even the mildest complaint.
October 6, 2025 at 3:32 PM
my brother's going home to his wife today, & they're going to spend the week enjoying the autumn festival together, which i think is a perfectly lovely idea!
i hope they have the best time, because i've kept them apart for weeks & they haven't expressed even the mildest complaint.
i hope they have the best time, because i've kept them apart for weeks & they haven't expressed even the mildest complaint.
had a talk with the nurse coordinator about how painful it is to swallow since the tube, & she's coming up with a pain management plan.
except when i put my ear plugs in, the left one hurt. the hearing on my left's been going muffled on & off. the sorest spot in the back of my throat is on the left
except when i put my ear plugs in, the left one hurt. the hearing on my left's been going muffled on & off. the sorest spot in the back of my throat is on the left
October 6, 2025 at 1:59 PM
had a talk with the nurse coordinator about how painful it is to swallow since the tube, & she's coming up with a pain management plan.
except when i put my ear plugs in, the left one hurt. the hearing on my left's been going muffled on & off. the sorest spot in the back of my throat is on the left
except when i put my ear plugs in, the left one hurt. the hearing on my left's been going muffled on & off. the sorest spot in the back of my throat is on the left
full house this morning! the precise moment i nodded off, my nurse coordinator & her newly qualified nurse here to learn arrived & got to work.
about 15 minutes later the nurse changing my syringe driver also arrived & joined in, all performing different tasks at once, all talking at once.
about 15 minutes later the nurse changing my syringe driver also arrived & joined in, all performing different tasks at once, all talking at once.
October 6, 2025 at 11:25 AM
full house this morning! the precise moment i nodded off, my nurse coordinator & her newly qualified nurse here to learn arrived & got to work.
about 15 minutes later the nurse changing my syringe driver also arrived & joined in, all performing different tasks at once, all talking at once.
about 15 minutes later the nurse changing my syringe driver also arrived & joined in, all performing different tasks at once, all talking at once.
i just nodded off sitting up, pitched forward & crashed face first into my hospital table. i need to get some real sleep before i hurt myself 🤕
October 6, 2025 at 8:43 AM
i just nodded off sitting up, pitched forward & crashed face first into my hospital table. i need to get some real sleep before i hurt myself 🤕
amazing.
[needles] called a district nurse out because my cannula was leaking. so he inserted a new one, & then while struggling to apply the dressing, accidentally pulled the whole thing back out again.
& that was the last spare, so someone else has to bring more gear & redo it in the morning.
[needles] called a district nurse out because my cannula was leaking. so he inserted a new one, & then while struggling to apply the dressing, accidentally pulled the whole thing back out again.
& that was the last spare, so someone else has to bring more gear & redo it in the morning.
October 5, 2025 at 7:54 PM
amazing.
[needles] called a district nurse out because my cannula was leaking. so he inserted a new one, & then while struggling to apply the dressing, accidentally pulled the whole thing back out again.
& that was the last spare, so someone else has to bring more gear & redo it in the morning.
[needles] called a district nurse out because my cannula was leaking. so he inserted a new one, & then while struggling to apply the dressing, accidentally pulled the whole thing back out again.
& that was the last spare, so someone else has to bring more gear & redo it in the morning.
[food] sister's partner has come, & he, her, mum & brother have ordered, ready to eat together in the other room.
idk why i thought they'd let me look at the menu to see if there were a drink or dessert i'd like/be able to eat a bit of? i shouldn't have assumed i was invited to dinner tbh
idk why i thought they'd let me look at the menu to see if there were a drink or dessert i'd like/be able to eat a bit of? i shouldn't have assumed i was invited to dinner tbh
October 5, 2025 at 4:46 PM
[food] sister's partner has come, & he, her, mum & brother have ordered, ready to eat together in the other room.
idk why i thought they'd let me look at the menu to see if there were a drink or dessert i'd like/be able to eat a bit of? i shouldn't have assumed i was invited to dinner tbh
idk why i thought they'd let me look at the menu to see if there were a drink or dessert i'd like/be able to eat a bit of? i shouldn't have assumed i was invited to dinner tbh
today's death cleaning my brother is helping me with:
my collection of irregular choice shoes, which i think i'd like to include in my special precious belongings to be shared on here.
in which case you'll be able to ask for them in exchange for a receipt to show your donation to...
my collection of irregular choice shoes, which i think i'd like to include in my special precious belongings to be shared on here.
in which case you'll be able to ask for them in exchange for a receipt to show your donation to...
October 5, 2025 at 3:31 PM
today's death cleaning my brother is helping me with:
my collection of irregular choice shoes, which i think i'd like to include in my special precious belongings to be shared on here.
in which case you'll be able to ask for them in exchange for a receipt to show your donation to...
my collection of irregular choice shoes, which i think i'd like to include in my special precious belongings to be shared on here.
in which case you'll be able to ask for them in exchange for a receipt to show your donation to...
she just came in complaining that i'm using all FOUR scotch glasses that SHE paid for & are the only cups she can drink her scotch out of.
anything other than glass tastes awful, & the bigger glasses are heavier & harder for me to lift.
anything other than glass tastes awful, & the bigger glasses are heavier & harder for me to lift.
October 4, 2025 at 2:54 AM
she just came in complaining that i'm using all FOUR scotch glasses that SHE paid for & are the only cups she can drink her scotch out of.
anything other than glass tastes awful, & the bigger glasses are heavier & harder for me to lift.
anything other than glass tastes awful, & the bigger glasses are heavier & harder for me to lift.
sister: whatcha doin?
mum: bringing down bedding to sleep on the sofa.
sister: is that wise?
mum: yes?
sister: ok.
i... what?
help i am so confused
is there a problem with mum sleeping by me??
mum: bringing down bedding to sleep on the sofa.
sister: is that wise?
mum: yes?
sister: ok.
i... what?
help i am so confused
is there a problem with mum sleeping by me??
October 3, 2025 at 10:37 PM
sister: whatcha doin?
mum: bringing down bedding to sleep on the sofa.
sister: is that wise?
mum: yes?
sister: ok.
i... what?
help i am so confused
is there a problem with mum sleeping by me??
mum: bringing down bedding to sleep on the sofa.
sister: is that wise?
mum: yes?
sister: ok.
i... what?
help i am so confused
is there a problem with mum sleeping by me??
had to start making sure the doors are locked in the mornings to keep the nurses from barging in without any warning,
which my nurse coordinator, sighing & burying her head in her hands, says they probably do for our convenience, so we don't have to get up to let them in.
maybe we like getting up.
which my nurse coordinator, sighing & burying her head in her hands, says they probably do for our convenience, so we don't have to get up to let them in.
maybe we like getting up.
October 3, 2025 at 4:15 PM
had to start making sure the doors are locked in the mornings to keep the nurses from barging in without any warning,
which my nurse coordinator, sighing & burying her head in her hands, says they probably do for our convenience, so we don't have to get up to let them in.
maybe we like getting up.
which my nurse coordinator, sighing & burying her head in her hands, says they probably do for our convenience, so we don't have to get up to let them in.
maybe we like getting up.