That his bald head is weirdly hard and smooth like a shelled peanut

Mrs. Rumsfeld in The ‘Burbs”!

This Pickle says hi.

Thanks! Now to talk my family into letting me bring Christmas dessert…

Don’t be stingy, drop the recipe!

This is Robert’s long game.

Give Jamie Loftus a Golden Globe you cowards

WHAT.

I can get to convicted felon and suspected pedophile Donald Trump in two.

The Marine Corps and I share a birthday. It’s the day before Veterans Day. The amazing thing about this date is you can always have a party on your birthday because the next day is a holiday. Why would you shoot your missiles at California on a random Sunday in October when you have work tomorrow?

Congratulations! Is the skeleton going to be your Ghoul of Honor???

I’m planning on becoming a millionaire by making artisanal tofu in my garage.

That is so kind—thank you!