Commander's Herald
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Your #1 Source for Satire Made To Sound Like Magic: The Gathering News!
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WE ARE LOOKING FOR WRITERS!
Come compete in the high-octane world of Magic: The Gathering satire! Fill out this form to apply: tinyurl.com/heraldapply
Come compete in the high-octane world of Magic: The Gathering satire! Fill out this form to apply: tinyurl.com/heraldapply
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR PHOTOSHOP-LITERATE PEOPLE on top of the new crop of great writers we just signed on. If you're interested, fill out the form below and indicate your image-altering prowess and we'll contact you soon!
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR PHOTOSHOP-LITERATE PEOPLE on top of the new crop of great writers we just signed on. If you're interested, fill out the form below and indicate your image-altering prowess and we'll contact you soon!
WE ARE LOOKING FOR WRITERS!
Come compete in the high-octane world of Magic: The Gathering satire! Fill out this form to apply: tinyurl.com/heraldapply
Come compete in the high-octane world of Magic: The Gathering satire! Fill out this form to apply: tinyurl.com/heraldapply
December 9, 2025 at 9:56 PM
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR PHOTOSHOP-LITERATE PEOPLE on top of the new crop of great writers we just signed on. If you're interested, fill out the form below and indicate your image-altering prowess and we'll contact you soon!
"If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata. I see your Geralf's Messenger has undying, just like a certain friend of mine. Oh, Parallel Lives multiplies your Food tokens? Hmm, reminds me of some loaves and fishes."
Youth Pastor Knows a Super Cool Legendary Creature You Should Build Around | Commander's Herald
“If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata.” said Fyve between handing out fidget spinner crosses.
commandersherald.com
December 9, 2025 at 5:04 PM
"If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata. I see your Geralf's Messenger has undying, just like a certain friend of mine. Oh, Parallel Lives multiplies your Food tokens? Hmm, reminds me of some loaves and fishes."
"Its rules are taken nearly verbatim from an older card game, known as Euchre, made for a subset of a standard deck of playing cards. This revelation was brought forward after Aunt Eileen offered to teach us the original game following Thanksgiving dinner."
New Fringe Magic Format Secretly Just Euchre | Commander's Herald
A new shared-deck round-based Magic format, has been gaining traction on social media over the past few months.
commandersherald.com
December 8, 2025 at 5:34 PM
"Its rules are taken nearly verbatim from an older card game, known as Euchre, made for a subset of a standard deck of playing cards. This revelation was brought forward after Aunt Eileen offered to teach us the original game following Thanksgiving dinner."
While it remains unclear how they mechanically fit into the new set's theme, there's no doubt Bullshit fits nicely with the overall direction of Standard.
New Artifact Token Does Some Bullshit | Commander's Herald
Leaks for the next Magic set reveal that a new artifact token does some bullshit. We break down all the details on the new token.
commandersherald.com
December 5, 2025 at 5:43 PM
While it remains unclear how they mechanically fit into the new set's theme, there's no doubt Bullshit fits nicely with the overall direction of Standard.
Reposted by Commander's Herald
Perfect juxtaposition
December 3, 2025 at 9:43 PM
Perfect juxtaposition
Reposted by Commander's Herald
They gotta at least drag it over to the skate park at the UN plaza so people can replicate the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater SF level.
A month after the San Francisco Arts Commission ordered the dismantling of the iconic Vaillancourt Fountain, a local organization is formally challenging the Brutalist work’s destruction.
Preservation Group Appeals Dismantling of SF Brutalist Fountain
The Vaillancourt Fountain in Embarcadero Plaza could be removed as soon as February.
hyperallergic.com
December 4, 2025 at 4:01 PM
They gotta at least drag it over to the skate park at the UN plaza so people can replicate the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater SF level.
"I wiped the dust off of the dilapidated cardboard deckbox and caressed the dog-eared Dragon Shields I sleeved the precon with all the way back in 2012. I could tell they were excited to be out again, I just wish it wasn't for the last time."
Magic Player Takes Crappy Old Deck To Look At The Sunset Before Unsleeving it | Commander's Herald
Commander enthusiast Melanie Grayson made the decision today to scrap her 2011 Mimeoplasm deck and wanted to make their last day together a good one.
commandersherald.com
December 4, 2025 at 5:20 PM
"I wiped the dust off of the dilapidated cardboard deckbox and caressed the dog-eared Dragon Shields I sleeved the precon with all the way back in 2012. I could tell they were excited to be out again, I just wish it wasn't for the last time."
"Mhmm, yes, I am single legendary creature," Rograkh said while stumbling around in comically oversized sleeves. "Am a Goblin with many keyboards, just like Dockside."
cEDH Commander Just a Bunch of Tutors in a Trenchcoat | Commander's Herald
"Mhmm yes I am single legendary creature." Rograkh said while stumbling around in comically oversized sleeves. "Am a goblin with many keyboards."
commandersherald.com
December 2, 2025 at 6:04 PM
"Mhmm, yes, I am single legendary creature," Rograkh said while stumbling around in comically oversized sleeves. "Am a Goblin with many keyboards, just like Dockside."
"I've seen some things in my day. Loyal dogs trampled by giants, and beloved heroes reanimated from their graves. But there was just something evil about the glee in his eyes when he tapped for one red."
Commander Pod Split on Ethics of Targeting Glider Kids with Lightning Bolt | Commander's Herald
READING, PA -- The new Avatar: the Last Airbender expansion has been a success for Wizards and fans in general, but some play groups have started to struggle in unexpected ways. The introduction of so...
commandersherald.com
December 1, 2025 at 5:43 PM
"I've seen some things in my day. Loyal dogs trampled by giants, and beloved heroes reanimated from their graves. But there was just something evil about the glee in his eyes when he tapped for one red."
This Black Friday weekend, try and find as many sales as you can on this incredibly under-rated card, you (and I) won't be disappointed!
This Article Is Trying to Inflate The Price of Spellweaver Volute | Commander's Herald
Spellweaver Volute is flexible, unique, and if this article does what it's supposed to, it'll also be hard to find, so buy them now from me!
commandersherald.com
November 29, 2025 at 2:58 PM
This Black Friday weekend, try and find as many sales as you can on this incredibly under-rated card, you (and I) won't be disappointed!
Satire makes the world go 'round
When your ambassador is SO deranged that Time Magazine says, "Yeah, that quote sounds real".
November 29, 2025 at 2:55 PM
Satire makes the world go 'round
"At first I thought I said something that might be upsetting to Brett. On the contrary, Brett's face lit up and became quite animated as he began talking, most of which I didn't understand."
Monologue Enters Second Hour After Uncle Mistakenly asks "How that Magic Game is Going" at Thanksgiving Dinner | Commander's Herald
Is there anything more awkward than *that* topic coming up at Thanksgiving? The one nobody wants to acknowledge? Magic: the Gathering?
commandersherald.com
November 27, 2025 at 5:40 PM
"At first I thought I said something that might be upsetting to Brett. On the contrary, Brett's face lit up and became quite animated as he began talking, most of which I didn't understand."
"The pony kicked him right in the ass, and he fell straight into the rest of the cake. Went right through the folding table WWE style. Everyone was laughing at this tiny, cute thing terrorizing him. Poor guy told the pony 'I yield! I yield!' I wanted to help, but I was just laughing too hard."
Local Man Realizes He's a CR 0 Encounter After Losing Fight With Son's Birthday Pony | Commander's Herald
OMAHA, NE - Local father and D&D player Phillip Grossman reportedly fell into a midlife crisis after an incident at his son's birthday. Suffering a humiliating defeat at the hooves of a pony rented fo...
commandersherald.com
November 25, 2025 at 6:04 PM
"The pony kicked him right in the ass, and he fell straight into the rest of the cake. Went right through the folding table WWE style. Everyone was laughing at this tiny, cute thing terrorizing him. Poor guy told the pony 'I yield! I yield!' I wanted to help, but I was just laughing too hard."
"Nobody wants to buy anything except for rare cards, because they're starting to realize that Monopoly has never been fun to play and that the new generation of My Little Pony isn't as good as that other one. You know, the one with Rainbow Dash?"
Hasbro Executives Begin Burning Wizards of the Coast Office Furniture For Warmth | Commander's Herald
Renton, Washington -- As the harsh winter approaches, Hasbro's board of directors huddle around the burning desk of Carmen Klomparens, hoping to stave off a freezing death for another night. "The trek...
commandersherald.com
November 21, 2025 at 5:29 PM
"Nobody wants to buy anything except for rare cards, because they're starting to realize that Monopoly has never been fun to play and that the new generation of My Little Pony isn't as good as that other one. You know, the one with Rainbow Dash?"
"He believes that if he buys something cool someone else made and claims it's his, people will like him since that worked a few times in the past. But man, it's hard to claim you made a deck while we're literally watching you take the cellophane off the cards."
Elon Musk Insists He Created Commander Deck that is Clearly a Precon | Commander's Herald
Elon Musk makes a groundbreaking and forward-thinking Commander deck by replacing Kotori with Shorikai. What will this genius think of next?
commandersherald.com
November 20, 2025 at 5:51 PM
"He believes that if he buys something cool someone else made and claims it's his, people will like him since that worked a few times in the past. But man, it's hard to claim you made a deck while we're literally watching you take the cellophane off the cards."
"Robert F Kennedy Jr, The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, has taken aim at curing autism spectrum disorder over the course of his time in office. When asked what he meant by that a 4/4 wurm burst from the secretary's left nostril."
WotC Struggles to find New Content Creators after RFK Jr "Cures" Autism | Commander's Herald
RENTON, WASHINGTON--Executives at Wizards of the Coast are scrambling after getting zero new applicants to their creator program last quarter. Sources within the Hasbro subsidiary point to one culprit...
commandersherald.com
November 19, 2025 at 9:48 PM
"Robert F Kennedy Jr, The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, has taken aim at curing autism spectrum disorder over the course of his time in office. When asked what he meant by that a 4/4 wurm burst from the secretary's left nostril."
"You wanted me on turn one? Yeah, I wanted you to wash your goddamn hands before touching me. Life is full of disappointments. You're the one who put me here, I didn't ask to be played."
Report: Tap Land Isn't Happy To See You Either | Commander's Herald
“You wanted me on turn one? Yeah I wanted you to wash your goddamn hands before touching me. Life is full of disappointments."
commandersherald.com
November 18, 2025 at 6:41 PM
"You wanted me on turn one? Yeah, I wanted you to wash your goddamn hands before touching me. Life is full of disappointments. You're the one who put me here, I didn't ask to be played."
"We can't do anything properly in this country without compromise, and I know you'll help me out even though you've never done so before. As a matter of fact, why don't I just give all of the cards to you, so you know how supportive I can be?"
Democrat Congressman Puts All Cards In One Pile For Opponent's Fact or Fiction | Commander's Herald
Washington, D.C. - As the government begins to return to work following the longest government shutdown on record, many returning politicians are starting up their Magic: The Gathering play groups aga...
commandersherald.com
November 17, 2025 at 6:03 PM
"We can't do anything properly in this country without compromise, and I know you'll help me out even though you've never done so before. As a matter of fact, why don't I just give all of the cards to you, so you know how supportive I can be?"
"We don't want to do a lot of work, and Gustave from Clair Obscur kinda looks like Clive, Ifrit's Dominant, so repacking French Final Fantasy cards works for us!"
Wizards to Repackage French Final Fantasy Cards as Universes Beyond: Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 | Commander's Herald
Redmond, WA - In a move many marketing experts are claiming as "forward-thinking" and "genius", Wizards of The Coast today announced a set of Magic: The Gathering: Universes Beyond cards based on the ...
commandersherald.com
November 13, 2025 at 4:03 PM
"We don't want to do a lot of work, and Gustave from Clair Obscur kinda looks like Clive, Ifrit's Dominant, so repacking French Final Fantasy cards works for us!"
