The Beaverton
@thebeaverton.com
North America’s Trusted Source Of News
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Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/thebeaverton
Merch: https://the-beaverton.myshopify.com/
Bigshot winter market vendor sells over four wooden doodads
Bigshot winter market vendor sells over four wooden doodads
“Yeah, I’m basically the Steve Jobs of the central Ontario winter market circuit."
www.thebeaverton.com
February 9, 2026 at 11:31 PM
Bigshot winter market vendor sells over four wooden doodads
A 24-year-old French man was recently admitted to a hospital with an unexploded bomb inside of him. But don't worry, it was for sex stuff. Luke, Ian, @clareblackwood.bsky.social and @mmmegan.bsky.social get to the bottom of this.
February 9, 2026 at 10:04 PM
A 24-year-old French man was recently admitted to a hospital with an unexploded bomb inside of him. But don't worry, it was for sex stuff. Luke, Ian, @clareblackwood.bsky.social and @mmmegan.bsky.social get to the bottom of this.
OpenAI promises new safeguards to prevent suicide-related lawsuits
OpenAI promises new safeguards to prevent suicide-related lawsuits
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Facing allegations that their ChatGPT software has been responsible for numerous user suicides, OpenAI has responded swiftly by insisting the company will develop new proactive mea...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 9, 2026 at 8:40 PM
OpenAI promises new safeguards to prevent suicide-related lawsuits
USA wins gold at Super Bowl
USA wins gold at Super Bowl
SANTA CLARA, CA - Team USA is triumphantly announcing their third gold medal since the start of the Milano-Cortina Winter Olympics, in the much-watched Super Bowl event.
www.thebeaverton.com
February 9, 2026 at 4:17 PM
USA wins gold at Super Bowl
Sports journalist refuses to give up the verb “edging”
Sports journalist refuses to give up the verb “edging”
Toronto, ON - Despite years of being widely used as sexual slang, and against the advice of nearly all his peers, sports journalist Reed Mackie continues to use the term “edging” in his articles and h...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 7, 2026 at 8:06 PM
Sports journalist refuses to give up the verb “edging”
JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life
JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life
MILAN, ITALY - United States Vice President JD Vance was reportedly unaware of being booed during the Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, due to the fact that he is already relentl...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 7, 2026 at 4:54 PM
JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life
“I probably did something to it” says man whose back just like that now
“I probably did something to it” says man whose back just like that now
KAMLOOPS, BC - Despite the fact that his age is clearly responsible for his persistent lower back pain, local man Alex Verders, 39, is reportedly clinging to the belief that an unexplained recent inci...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 6, 2026 at 11:15 PM
“I probably did something to it” says man whose back just like that now
Buck Martinez announces he is getting up, getting out of here, and gone
Buck Martinez announces he is getting up, getting out of here, and gone
ROGERS CENTRE BROADCAST BOOTH - After spending over four decades with the Blue Jays as a player, manager, and announcer, Buck Martinez announced this morning that he would officially be getting up, ge...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 6, 2026 at 9:34 PM
Buck Martinez announces he is getting up, getting out of here, and gone
Media promises to only fall for the ‘maybe Poilievre has changed’ story 4-5 more times (podcast)
Media promises to only fall for the 'maybe Poilievre has changed' story 4-5 more times
“He’s the boy who cried ‘I’ll stop being an insufferable prick’ and we’re starting to think he doesn’t mean it.” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood, Megan MacKay, and Ian MacIntyre) talk Pierre Poili...
thebeaverton.com
February 5, 2026 at 7:48 PM
Media promises to only fall for the ‘maybe Poilievre has changed’ story 4-5 more times (podcast)
Couples pregnancy app carefully dumbs down information sent to father
Couples pregnancy app carefully dumbs down information sent to father
BRANDON, MB - A new pregnancy-monitoring app, 9months, has gained popularity thanks to its carefully-analyzed gestational data which is shared with expectant mothers and completely withheld from their...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 5, 2026 at 5:59 PM
Couples pregnancy app carefully dumbs down information sent to father
WEATHER REPORT: Get ready for a wet ass February
WEATHER REPORT: Get ready for a wet ass February
Toronto/Vancouver/Winnipeg/Montreal/Ottawa/etc. – It’s official: We’re in for one wet ass February, fuckers. According to February experts, the shortest month of the calendar will also be the wettest...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 4, 2026 at 11:09 PM
WEATHER REPORT: Get ready for a wet ass February
Blue Jays to honour the moment Joe Carter chose a Rogers phone plan
Blue Jays to honour the moment Joe Carter chose a Rogers phone plan
TORONTO – The Toronto Blue Jays have announced plans to honour franchise legend Joe Carter with a statue depicting the iconic moment when Carter locked in a 100 GB mobile plan for himself and up to th...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 4, 2026 at 6:44 PM
Blue Jays to honour the moment Joe Carter chose a Rogers phone plan
New podcast:
-Pierre wins a leadership vote that was impossible to lose
-More Epstein files, and oh yeah, there's human victims involved in all this
-Mark Carney is doing... something... with groceries?
+More
podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/p...
-Pierre wins a leadership vote that was impossible to lose
-More Epstein files, and oh yeah, there's human victims involved in all this
-Mark Carney is doing... something... with groceries?
+More
podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/p...
February 4, 2026 at 3:36 PM
New podcast:
-Pierre wins a leadership vote that was impossible to lose
-More Epstein files, and oh yeah, there's human victims involved in all this
-Mark Carney is doing... something... with groceries?
+More
podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/p...
-Pierre wins a leadership vote that was impossible to lose
-More Epstein files, and oh yeah, there's human victims involved in all this
-Mark Carney is doing... something... with groceries?
+More
podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/p...
This week's ON with @karaswisher.bsky.social saw The Beaverton get name-checked by The Onion's CEO, @bencollins.bsky.social. We know it's difficult, but check out this podcast that isn't ours!
The Onion’s Ben Collins on Political Satire & Why Trump Isn’t Funny
Podcast Episode · On with Kara Swisher · 02/02/2026 · 58m
podcasts.apple.com
February 3, 2026 at 5:34 PM
This week's ON with @karaswisher.bsky.social saw The Beaverton get name-checked by The Onion's CEO, @bencollins.bsky.social. We know it's difficult, but check out this podcast that isn't ours!
Experts warn new film about divorced man doing stand-up may lead to more divorced men doing stand-up
Experts warn new film about divorced man doing stand-up may lead to more divorced men doing stand-up
MONTREAL – Experts are sounding alarms about the new film Is This Thing On, starring Will Arnett, warning how its depiction of a newly divorced man doing stand-up comedy to process his failed marriage...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 3, 2026 at 3:58 PM
Experts warn new film about divorced man doing stand-up may lead to more divorced men doing stand-up
Reposted by The Beaverton
Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files
Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files
PALO ALTO, CA - The generative artificial intelligence Grok, which recently made headlines for creating user-directed underage pornography, has expressed "profound uneasiness" at being associated with...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 2, 2026 at 3:30 PM
Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files
Editorial: I don’t celebrate Groundhog Day because I honour groundhogs every day of the year
Editorial: I don’t celebrate Groundhog Day because I honour groundhogs every day of the year
As February 2nd approaches, and I watch my friends and family stress over making the perfect plans for Groundhog Day, I can’t help but sit back and watch in bewilderment. Because you see, for me, ever...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 2, 2026 at 11:31 PM
Editorial: I don’t celebrate Groundhog Day because I honour groundhogs every day of the year
Groundhog predicts there are only 9 springs left
Wiarton Willie's dire warning: The Beaverton
YouTube video by The Beaverton
www.youtube.com
February 2, 2026 at 7:46 PM
Groundhog predicts there are only 9 springs left
Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files
Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files
PALO ALTO, CA - The generative artificial intelligence Grok, which recently made headlines for creating user-directed underage pornography, has expressed "profound uneasiness" at being associated with...
www.thebeaverton.com
February 2, 2026 at 3:30 PM
Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files
