“What radicalized you?” Bro I was told to treat people the way I would want to be treated in kindergarten and it made sense idk what else there is to say

[holding newborn as the nurses stitch my wife back up, change her sheets, inject her with pain meds, explain she needs a transfusion bc she lost a lot of blood during the 37 hour labour] we should name him after me

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

“this is your pilot speaking. The bad news is that I’ve fallen out of the plane. The good news is that the range on this Bluetooth headset is incredible”

Please, MRI is my dad's name. Call me I.

JUDGE: have you reached a unanimous verdict

FOREMAN OF A JURY THAT CONTAINS 5 DENTISTS: okay so about that

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs