ME: Hello Darkness, my old friend.

DARKNESS: We went out for wings *once*

Pronouncing bluesky like brewski

people don't realize how insanely difficult it is to pull off good satire

1st - you have to have an opinion on something

2nd - you have to think of what the opposite opinion is

3rd - you have to say the opposite opinion in a dumb guy voice

You lose your 40% of your whimsy right after you turn 24

[At a boutique bakery]
Are your lady fingers cruelty-free?

I 'discovered' politics in 2015, so the current atmosphere is what I've always known.

People who knew the before and after must constantly feel insane.

Just got banned from X.com

Blue𝕏y

Skeet skeet

This is one of those funny things that everyone knows about on the surface, but are actually 10x more hilarious when you look closer.

This is off the record, but is everyone gay on here?

About to take the red pill (strawberry skittle sitting on my desk)

The (usually sweet) 70 year old lady who owns the neighborhood thrift shop just told me I was one of the good Arabs

If there's one thing in my life that felt like a fever dream it's that my highschool history teacher was an out Trans woman.

I lived in Saudi Arabia.

Not saying you should cheat, but why do Americans treat infidelity like it's a high crime? They talk about it like it's murder or assault.

Especially in entertainment, they're always shocked actors cheat, I just assume every hollywood couple is two people stabbing each other in the back by default

So we're calling them skeets huh