If there’s one old man thing I wish I could share with the young people it’s that when I was growing up everyone was handing you videogame demo discs and it was the best thing ever. Magazines would have them, pizza would have them, you’d buy eggs and Tony Hawk levels would spill out of the carton

J Joe Jeans and his Jellybeans

they're putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin yuletide gay

spent too much time on this thing

ELON MUSK: we are going to start allowing you to use your X account as your passport. We're currently collecting bio samples from numerous law enforcement departments
LINDA YACCARINO: The day before #Tuesday is #Monday!

George Santos is the Rick Ross of senators?

I get it’s probably saved some people at my company from getting ransomewared but I fucking hate the “enable editing” button when I’m trying to quickly copy language from a document I just emailed someone

Doing delayed delivery to schedule 5 emails for 10:00 a.m. tomorrow so I can get all my work done tonight without giving the stakeholders “permission” to contact me before I’ve had my second coffee

Just finished my weekly poisoning session [ordering an Arby’s meal with diet coke] and my therapist [the cashier] said I’m making really good progress

The jerk store called. I got the job!

Is that a pizza lunchable?

The biggest shit I’ve ever seen was in the locker room in high school. The center on the football team was suspected. It was a single log like a Steel Reserve can all the way from the drain past the water line to the edge of the bowl.

Do I need to follow more people or is it really this dead over here?

Ok, let's see how this goes.