Man all I had on my calendar was to flagellate myself and this is what you tell me

You were going to fix the pork chops for dinner, but what you thought were the fancy pork chops from McCall's on Montana are actually the ones from Smart & Final and someone is worried they're not "good enough"

Once I wrote a 400-word brief in my college newspaper about my dorm's boiler exploding, and I think I have more investigative reporting experience than she does

Fun fact: A’a is the Hawaiian word for a kind of slow-moving lava that, when it cools, is very sharp and painful to walk on (perhaps hence the name) — pahoehoe lava travels faster and is smoother

Got him one of those weather station things that has an outdoor temperature sensor … not like an actual NWS sort of weather station, but the kind that‘s helpful to figure out what kind of coat you need

The second you see Stephen Root you know you’re in good hands

"OK sir one moment"

Finally the gate opens. "Thank god," I say.

"OK sir is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"Uh, no," I say.

"Thank you for using Metropolis and have a wonderful day sir"

I will never EVER park in another one of those again.

"One moment sir"

The guy behind me is about to get out of his car at this point and come up to me.

"Is the gate open sir?"

"No"

"OK sir (more typing) and which exit are you trying to use"

I'm boggling at this point, but I finally see a sign that says what exit, and I tell her.

"OK sir one moment the gate is opening"

"It's not opening."

I call the number on the sign. "Yes, hi, you've taken my money, I saw the notification from the credit card company, but the gate won't let me out."

"Yes, I understand that's frustrating, which parking facility are you at?"

"Uhh ... I don't know, I'm in Downtown Long Beach?"

Now there's a car behind me. He's pissed because I'm taking too long. I scan the QR code on the sign. Opens a web browser which ... doesn't load.

No cell service.

I walk out to the sidewalk and pay. Great. All set. Get back to the car, get in, drive to the exit point. Type in the code.

The gate doesn't open.

Type in the code again.

Gate doesn't open.

Hello are you aware that KCRW’s app now has a Dance 24 channel and I will take my answer off air thank you

Tommy Wiseau when he went up on stage when The Disaster Artist won the Golden Globe and was promptly shooed away

Bowie is Very Concerned about your transmission (and the trash truck behind me)