Bill Heil
@billheil.bsky.social
Tall guy from Berkeley
https://billheil.com
https://billheil.com
Breaking: The Epstein Files release has been signed by [REDACTED]
November 20, 2025 at 1:33 AM
Breaking: The Epstein Files release has been signed by [REDACTED]
How do I know it's a *Man* in the Moon? Well first, he's staring at you
November 19, 2025 at 5:19 PM
How do I know it's a *Man* in the Moon? Well first, he's staring at you
My wife thinks I have no patience around her family, but I’ve been hiding in this bathroom for hours
November 18, 2025 at 3:47 PM
My wife thinks I have no patience around her family, but I’ve been hiding in this bathroom for hours
Parenting lifehack: Limiting your kid’s screen time will let you spend more quality time with your screen
November 17, 2025 at 3:45 PM
Parenting lifehack: Limiting your kid’s screen time will let you spend more quality time with your screen
Just sold unused dumbbells on Facebook Marketplace. The cash wasn’t worth the eye contact
November 16, 2025 at 4:51 PM
Just sold unused dumbbells on Facebook Marketplace. The cash wasn’t worth the eye contact
Living in the Bay my kid's most likely jobs in 15 years are 1) AI engineer 2) backup water supply in a data center
November 15, 2025 at 5:32 PM
Living in the Bay my kid's most likely jobs in 15 years are 1) AI engineer 2) backup water supply in a data center
Kids are the “I Voted” stickers of unprotected sex
November 14, 2025 at 3:41 PM
Kids are the “I Voted” stickers of unprotected sex
There can't be an Epstein client list. I've read his emails. That man does not use spreadsheets
November 13, 2025 at 7:06 PM
There can't be an Epstein client list. I've read his emails. That man does not use spreadsheets
Home Depot provides my ideal customer service experience — zero humans around to ask why this is my third trip today
November 13, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Home Depot provides my ideal customer service experience — zero humans around to ask why this is my third trip today
Epstein writes like he redacts his own emails
November 12, 2025 at 11:47 PM
Epstein writes like he redacts his own emails
Bert and Ernie teach kids you can live in NYC for 50 years and not afford your own studio
November 12, 2025 at 3:18 PM
Bert and Ernie teach kids you can live in NYC for 50 years and not afford your own studio
Consumer Reports: Your protein powder is filled with lead
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
November 11, 2025 at 3:33 PM
Consumer Reports: Your protein powder is filled with lead
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
I wish Facebook Events had a response that was “Maybe, but on the day of event No”
November 10, 2025 at 3:55 PM
I wish Facebook Events had a response that was “Maybe, but on the day of event No”
If you say something is your cross to bear, you better be getting crucified at the end of it. Otherwise, just spend Thanksgiving at your in-laws
November 9, 2025 at 4:12 PM
If you say something is your cross to bear, you better be getting crucified at the end of it. Otherwise, just spend Thanksgiving at your in-laws
NO GIRLS ALLOWED
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
November 8, 2025 at 2:27 PM
NO GIRLS ALLOWED
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
Me, about to quit comedy at the bar show that won’t turn off Monday Night Football
November 7, 2025 at 2:56 PM
Me, about to quit comedy at the bar show that won’t turn off Monday Night Football
RFK Jr: ooh I left my chainsaw in the van
RFK Jr's response to someone collapsing nearby him was to haul ass out of the room as quickly as possible
November 6, 2025 at 7:07 PM
RFK Jr: ooh I left my chainsaw in the van
Jack Bauer's escalating enemies in a season of 24
November 5, 2025 at 6:49 PM
Jack Bauer's escalating enemies in a season of 24
Me buying a video game before the Steam reviews are even out
November 5, 2025 at 4:16 PM
Me buying a video game before the Steam reviews are even out
Two things I love about San Francisco
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
November 4, 2025 at 11:04 PM
Two things I love about San Francisco
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
Law & Order, but chill:
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
November 3, 2025 at 3:24 PM
Law & Order, but chill:
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
The Historical Berkeley Facebook group commenting on proposed apartments:
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
November 2, 2025 at 3:15 PM
The Historical Berkeley Facebook group commenting on proposed apartments:
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
I do not suffer from the male loneliness epidemic. I was immunized when no one came to my sixth birthday
November 1, 2025 at 2:58 PM
I do not suffer from the male loneliness epidemic. I was immunized when no one came to my sixth birthday
You: You stole my Halloween costume from last year?!
Me: I’m going as OpenAI
Me: I’m going as OpenAI
October 31, 2025 at 2:34 PM
You: You stole my Halloween costume from last year?!
Me: I’m going as OpenAI
Me: I’m going as OpenAI