Bill Heil
@billheil.bsky.social
Tall guy from Berkeley
https://billheil.com
https://billheil.com
There can't be an Epstein client list. I've read his emails. That man does not use spreadsheets
November 13, 2025 at 7:06 PM
There can't be an Epstein client list. I've read his emails. That man does not use spreadsheets
Home Depot provides my ideal customer service experience — zero humans around to ask why this is my third trip today
November 13, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Home Depot provides my ideal customer service experience — zero humans around to ask why this is my third trip today
Epstein writes like he redacts his own emails
November 12, 2025 at 11:47 PM
Epstein writes like he redacts his own emails
Bert and Ernie teach kids you can live in NYC for 50 years and not afford your own studio
November 12, 2025 at 3:18 PM
Bert and Ernie teach kids you can live in NYC for 50 years and not afford your own studio
Consumer Reports: Your protein powder is filled with lead
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
November 11, 2025 at 3:33 PM
Consumer Reports: Your protein powder is filled with lead
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
Me: Yeah, but it's great for weight gain
I wish Facebook Events had a response that was “Maybe, but on the day of event No”
November 10, 2025 at 3:55 PM
I wish Facebook Events had a response that was “Maybe, but on the day of event No”
If you say something is your cross to bear, you better be getting crucified at the end of it. Otherwise, just spend Thanksgiving at your in-laws
November 9, 2025 at 4:12 PM
If you say something is your cross to bear, you better be getting crucified at the end of it. Otherwise, just spend Thanksgiving at your in-laws
NO GIRLS ALLOWED
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
November 8, 2025 at 2:27 PM
NO GIRLS ALLOWED
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
*two hours later*
Did liberal feminism ruin my pillow fort?
—Opinion Headlines at The New York Times
Me, about to quit comedy at the bar show that won’t turn off Monday Night Football
November 7, 2025 at 2:56 PM
Me, about to quit comedy at the bar show that won’t turn off Monday Night Football
RFK Jr: ooh I left my chainsaw in the van
RFK Jr's response to someone collapsing nearby him was to haul ass out of the room as quickly as possible
November 6, 2025 at 7:07 PM
RFK Jr: ooh I left my chainsaw in the van
Jack Bauer's escalating enemies in a season of 24
November 5, 2025 at 6:49 PM
Jack Bauer's escalating enemies in a season of 24
Me buying a video game before the Steam reviews are even out
November 5, 2025 at 4:16 PM
Me buying a video game before the Steam reviews are even out
Two things I love about San Francisco
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
November 4, 2025 at 11:04 PM
Two things I love about San Francisco
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
1. It’s a sanctuary city
2. The tech billboards all read “Human problem? Call Humanix.”
Law & Order, but chill:
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
November 3, 2025 at 3:24 PM
Law & Order, but chill:
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
Detective: No rush on the autopsy.
Medical Examiner: Good, I hate working through lunch. [Lifts BBQ tray off corpse]
The Historical Berkeley Facebook group commenting on proposed apartments:
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
November 2, 2025 at 3:15 PM
The Historical Berkeley Facebook group commenting on proposed apartments:
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
- Why can't we have *affordable* stained-glass Victorians?
- Ground-floor dining? Unsanitary!
- No greedy developers! Homes should be built by Thai monks and sold at a significant loss!
I do not suffer from the male loneliness epidemic. I was immunized when no one came to my sixth birthday
November 1, 2025 at 2:58 PM
I do not suffer from the male loneliness epidemic. I was immunized when no one came to my sixth birthday
You: You stole my Halloween costume from last year?!
Me: I’m going as OpenAI
Me: I’m going as OpenAI
October 31, 2025 at 2:34 PM
You: You stole my Halloween costume from last year?!
Me: I’m going as OpenAI
Me: I’m going as OpenAI
PolyMarket is also a good name for the San Francisco dating scene
October 30, 2025 at 2:55 PM
PolyMarket is also a good name for the San Francisco dating scene
I’ve never been cheated on, but I did catch my wife buying an HDMI cord without checking my Box of Aggressively-Organized Cables™
October 29, 2025 at 2:15 PM
I’ve never been cheated on, but I did catch my wife buying an HDMI cord without checking my Box of Aggressively-Organized Cables™
Yo dawg I heard you like scams, so we put a scam in your scam so you can grift while you grift
Truth Social, the social media platform majority-owned by US President Donald Trump and his family, is launching a cryptocurrency-based gambling service called Truth Predict that will compete directly with Polymarket.
Donald Trump's Truth Social Is Launching a Polymarket Competitor
As crypto-based prediction services attract a flood of attention and capital, the US president’s social media platform has announced plans to muscle in.
www.wired.com
October 28, 2025 at 7:39 PM
Yo dawg I heard you like scams, so we put a scam in your scam so you can grift while you grift
All women want is a 12-foot-tall skeleton with LCD eyes who’s seasonally available
October 28, 2025 at 2:43 PM
All women want is a 12-foot-tall skeleton with LCD eyes who’s seasonally available
Two years of parenting in the books! Things got easier around month 18, when I finished installing the car seat
October 27, 2025 at 2:28 PM
Two years of parenting in the books! Things got easier around month 18, when I finished installing the car seat
Lady at the paint store: Are you a licensed contractor?
Me: Which color is eggshell?
Me: Which color is eggshell?
October 26, 2025 at 2:09 PM
Lady at the paint store: Are you a licensed contractor?
Me: Which color is eggshell?
Me: Which color is eggshell?
My son’s close with potty training. Every night, he poops three feet away in the tub
October 25, 2025 at 2:38 PM
My son’s close with potty training. Every night, he poops three feet away in the tub