Been telling myself "next year life will be more in control and I'll actually be able to enjoy having house/job/relationship" but somehow that year never comes. There is only chaos and anxiety and never living your life

The worst thing about lithium is that it seems to be working and, resultingly, has made it very difficult to convince myself I don't actually have bipolar. Rude

Work really starts picking up this week ahead of the new term (I work in HE) and I'm so afraid of my workload over the next 12 weeks. For one reason and another, I haven't had a full workload for a year, and in the last year I was really unwell. I am struggling to believe I can do it

I love (hate) how little consent there is in mental health services. Psychiatrist just dropping "I'm referring you to psychology for bipolar group" me "what modality is that?" Him "CBT" me: "I hate CBT (and will not do it)" him: it's really effective and (talks).

Like, ask me? Fucks sake

What I need. What would actually be healing and allow me to be better for longer. Would be a long break from work. 3 months would do it.

I keep vaguely hoping my brain will break first and I will have no choice. I know I would regret that if it happened.

Been telling myself "next year life will be more in control and I'll actually be able to enjoy having house/job/relationship" but somehow that year never comes. There is only chaos and anxiety and never living your life

I hate having bipolar. That's it. Not the joke one. I just hate it. I want to be normal

I must not be mental on main, I must not be mental on main...

I haven't slept in 3 days (3 hours 1 night, 2 hours 1 night, 0 hours tonight) and I feel like I'm dying. NHS 111 good until they try and work out who should deal with me and then fall apart. I'm falling apart.

Suspect I'm experiencing a mixed episode. Last week I burned all my copies of medical notes and decided to not be mental anymore. This week I'm circling the drain on suicidal thoughts, while painting the house. Grim.

It's very hard not to think, of a future with bipolar, that it would be easier to die than to go through all the highs and lows and destruction of life and trust and terror of meds. And it's hard to reason with that feeling. Cos bipolar is a shit life sentence.

Time has been moving very strangely in recent days. This is either a stress related symptom which will resolve after I go through a very hard couple of days this week. Or a stress related symptom that will tip me into a full blown cycle. Isn't it fun waiting to find out?

Oh yeah, ya gal got a full fat bipolar diagnosis recently. Quelle surprise: wp.me/p4rg35-hs

Research shows that bipolar people, more than people with unipolar depression or no psych conditions, are more likely to associate success with failure. We learn, through our moods, that achievement is always accompanied by failure. So that's fun init? (Milkowitz, 2019: 79)

Even the international posters are not exactly covering themselves in glory.

The mentally interesting are not a fucking cool.gang.

I would love it if the bipolar feed wasn't full of fuckers using bipolar to mean "unpredictable" or "unexpected" or fucking "bad". 🌓🌗💈💈

I wrote some bullshit about my recent world of delusions and hallucinations here: cyclothymiabites.wordpress.com/2024/12/23/i... The idea this is still 'just' cyclothymia is starting to look unlikely. 🌝

I really thought this was going to be the platform where I was not mad enough to keep it all on main. But nope! I have the hypomania once again and just realised that maybe the main problem is I am not living my life in the right order