Art Pachinko
@artpachinko.bsky.social
Founder & CEO, Pachinko Intellectual Properties LLC.
Unfucking the bullshit stories of idiot assholes since forever.
she/they ✡️
Unfucking the bullshit stories of idiot assholes since forever.
she/they ✡️
Should I be concerned? The Smol Geek just declared, “El Chupacabra sucks LeBron in hell” before crawling backward up the stairs.
November 8, 2025 at 3:30 AM
Should I be concerned? The Smol Geek just declared, “El Chupacabra sucks LeBron in hell” before crawling backward up the stairs.
There's too many goddamn owls in here.
September 24, 2025 at 2:43 AM
There's too many goddamn owls in here.
Watching old Ken Jennings episodes while yelling at the television is honestly the best use of my time all week.
September 14, 2025 at 2:53 AM
Watching old Ken Jennings episodes while yelling at the television is honestly the best use of my time all week.
Fuuuuck, I just wanna go pet a bunch of motherfucking cats and scritch behind their motherfucking ears.
September 12, 2025 at 2:20 AM
Fuuuuck, I just wanna go pet a bunch of motherfucking cats and scritch behind their motherfucking ears.
Me: will these edibles ever hit?
Also me: haha Paul Cop Mall Blart
Also me: haha Paul Cop Mall Blart
September 9, 2025 at 3:19 AM
Me: will these edibles ever hit?
Also me: haha Paul Cop Mall Blart
Also me: haha Paul Cop Mall Blart
In today’s workout, the instructor asked if we could sink a little lower. Give a little more. Work a little harder.
Reader, I could not. I did it anyway and loved every stupid second of it.
Fuck I hate how well exercise works.
Reader, I could not. I did it anyway and loved every stupid second of it.
Fuck I hate how well exercise works.
September 1, 2025 at 6:38 PM
In today’s workout, the instructor asked if we could sink a little lower. Give a little more. Work a little harder.
Reader, I could not. I did it anyway and loved every stupid second of it.
Fuck I hate how well exercise works.
Reader, I could not. I did it anyway and loved every stupid second of it.
Fuck I hate how well exercise works.
Today I learned that fifth grade math is beyond my comprehension and I had to google shit because I had no idea what was going on. If there’s an even, I could not.
August 29, 2025 at 3:26 AM
Today I learned that fifth grade math is beyond my comprehension and I had to google shit because I had no idea what was going on. If there’s an even, I could not.
The look of betrayal on my face when I realized that Teenage Dirtbag was not, in fact, the trailer park lesbian anthem I thought it was. The song was sung by a dude? Gross.
August 16, 2025 at 10:59 PM
The look of betrayal on my face when I realized that Teenage Dirtbag was not, in fact, the trailer park lesbian anthem I thought it was. The song was sung by a dude? Gross.
One of my favorite things to do is just vibe with my kid while he plays video games and then hype him up for boss battles.
August 3, 2025 at 12:28 AM
One of my favorite things to do is just vibe with my kid while he plays video games and then hype him up for boss battles.
Watching a twelve year old kid freak their shit in excitement over Blockbuster was the high point of my entire week.
July 26, 2025 at 4:11 AM
Watching a twelve year old kid freak their shit in excitement over Blockbuster was the high point of my entire week.
Today I hugged DJ Lance Rock. That is all.
July 25, 2025 at 1:43 AM
Today I hugged DJ Lance Rock. That is all.
I want to buy a boat just so I can name it Sea More Butts.
July 17, 2025 at 10:30 PM
I want to buy a boat just so I can name it Sea More Butts.
Fuck yeah we’re at the end of Amphibia again and I’m gonna ugly-cry again. I swear to fucking g-d if we watch Owl House again next I will yeet myself to the sun due to feelings overload.
June 30, 2025 at 2:38 AM
Fuck yeah we’re at the end of Amphibia again and I’m gonna ugly-cry again. I swear to fucking g-d if we watch Owl House again next I will yeet myself to the sun due to feelings overload.
Replaying old Phoenix Wright games and watching cartoons makes for a restful Shabbat. Today has been a good one, despite the world sucking ass around it. It’s nice to have this sanctuary.
June 21, 2025 at 10:15 PM
Replaying old Phoenix Wright games and watching cartoons makes for a restful Shabbat. Today has been a good one, despite the world sucking ass around it. It’s nice to have this sanctuary.
It Happened to Me: I drank some hash and then forgot my name!
-Art’s contribution to the September 1992 issue of Sassy
Cute band alert!
-Art’s contribution to the September 1992 issue of Sassy
Cute band alert!
June 7, 2025 at 10:02 PM
It Happened to Me: I drank some hash and then forgot my name!
-Art’s contribution to the September 1992 issue of Sassy
Cute band alert!
-Art’s contribution to the September 1992 issue of Sassy
Cute band alert!
Humans are the worst animals.
Other animals: I am sleepy, I sleep here. ZzzZzzZzZ
Me: These pillows are too soft and my hips are wonky. I guess I’m awake forever now.
Other animals: I am sleepy, I sleep here. ZzzZzzZzZ
Me: These pillows are too soft and my hips are wonky. I guess I’m awake forever now.
May 25, 2025 at 3:13 PM
Humans are the worst animals.
Other animals: I am sleepy, I sleep here. ZzzZzzZzZ
Me: These pillows are too soft and my hips are wonky. I guess I’m awake forever now.
Other animals: I am sleepy, I sleep here. ZzzZzzZzZ
Me: These pillows are too soft and my hips are wonky. I guess I’m awake forever now.
I would best describe my personality as “that awkward walk out of the ocean when there’s a bit of undertow so it kind of pulls you off balance and then suddenly a rogue wave comes and knocks you over in front of a bunch of toddlers who are hacking at the sand with chunky plastic rakes”.
May 24, 2025 at 4:10 AM
I would best describe my personality as “that awkward walk out of the ocean when there’s a bit of undertow so it kind of pulls you off balance and then suddenly a rogue wave comes and knocks you over in front of a bunch of toddlers who are hacking at the sand with chunky plastic rakes”.
Melting away on my sofa like a baked fat-asska and, honestly, living my weirdest life.
May 5, 2025 at 2:25 AM
Melting away on my sofa like a baked fat-asska and, honestly, living my weirdest life.
I'm hosting a Seder tomorrow and haven't started prepping at all. It's gonna be awesome because I know my house will be full of people who love me no matter what. It *is* enough. Dayenu!
April 12, 2025 at 12:34 AM
I'm hosting a Seder tomorrow and haven't started prepping at all. It's gonna be awesome because I know my house will be full of people who love me no matter what. It *is* enough. Dayenu!
The Smol Geek and I are ready and waiting with our pitchforks.
April 4, 2025 at 6:46 PM
The Smol Geek and I are ready and waiting with our pitchforks.
Is there anything sweeter than the dessert you eat behind your kid's back because fuck you I don't wanna share?
March 31, 2025 at 12:10 AM
Is there anything sweeter than the dessert you eat behind your kid's back because fuck you I don't wanna share?
As a former NC resident : fuck that fucking guy sideways with a fucking rusty spork. I really want to hear this unbleeped just for my soul. My soul needs it.
this made me laugh so hard snot came out of my nose and now my tummy muscles hurt. i think it cured my depression.
March 15, 2025 at 12:51 AM
As a former NC resident : fuck that fucking guy sideways with a fucking rusty spork. I really want to hear this unbleeped just for my soul. My soul needs it.
Fuck everything but especially fuck the Leave it to Beaver season six theme song.
March 14, 2025 at 4:40 AM
Fuck everything but especially fuck the Leave it to Beaver season six theme song.
Sitting here on my sofa daydreaming about an X-rated movie with a manifest destiny storyline called Rode Hard and Put Away West.
March 4, 2025 at 5:59 AM
Sitting here on my sofa daydreaming about an X-rated movie with a manifest destiny storyline called Rode Hard and Put Away West.