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The Empty Press
@theemptypress.com
93 followers 3 following 630 posts
We're TheEmptyPress, AKA "The Old Dark Lady". We write worthless, satirical garbage. Also, we're not an AI, we're just bad at what we do.

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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · Jun 8
The foundational pillar of the abuses and inequities of modern Western society is the tendency of poor White people to believe that problems that rich White people created are the fault of poor People of Colour.

#HousingCrisis #CDNPoli #CanPoli #NSPoli
theemptypress.com
Today is the 107th anniversary of the Halifax Anti-Chinese Riot they didn't teach you about in school.

#Halifax #NovaScotia #NSPoli #Halisky
February 18, 2026 at 4:15 PM
theemptypress.com
BREAKING - UN Security Council votes to send peacekeepers to Olympic curling event

#Curling #TeamCanada #MilanoCortina #Olympics
February 17, 2026 at 6:41 PM
theemptypress.com
Some people could really use a reminder that criticising hockey culture is not a hate crime.

#hockey #canada #CDNPoli #NSPoli #novascotia #halisky
February 14, 2026 at 8:13 PM
theemptypress.com
We feel obligated to remind everyone that it would still be a bad thing if Jeffrey Epstein were trafficking middle-aged and elderly sex slaves.

#Epstein
February 13, 2026 at 6:39 PM
theemptypress.com
Nani..

#MUFC #IYKYK
February 12, 2026 at 4:01 PM
theemptypress.com
BREAKING: Pam Bondi demands to speak with Congress's manager

#PamBondi #Epstein
February 11, 2026 at 9:09 PM
theemptypress.com
At press time, hey, at least we're not America.

#CDNPoli #BCPoli #GunViolence
Country in mourning after thing that "doesn't happen in Canada" happens, again - The Empty Press
OTTAWA – The entire nation is reeling, today after a mass-shooting, which everyone agrees “doesn’t happen in Canada”, happened, again. Following the horrific tragedy in Tumbler Ridge, British Columbia...
theemptypress.com
February 11, 2026 at 5:30 PM
theemptypress.com
So, this is where Tom Brady comes out of retirement, right?

#SuperBowl
February 9, 2026 at 2:32 AM
theemptypress.com
Marchand putting the “Keep Out” sign on the INSIDE of the door seems oddly appropriate.

www.facebook.com/watch/?v=917...

#TimHortons #Marchand #TeamCanada #MilanoCortinaOlympic2026 #Olympics #MilanoCortina2026
Tim Hortons
February 8, 2026 at 6:58 PM
theemptypress.com
On behalf of all Anglophones, we'd like to apologise to the Italian people for the way our broadcasters will be using the next two weeks as an excuse to butcher their beautiful language.

#EarTorture

#MilanoCortinaOlympic2026 #Olympics #Italia #Italy #MilanoCortina2026
February 7, 2026 at 3:47 PM
theemptypress.com
The games are on! Let the "who's banging?" rumours begin!

#MilanoCortino2026 #Olympics #TeamCanada #OpeningCeremonies
February 6, 2026 at 8:54 PM
theemptypress.com
That sound you heard was thousands of Greek historians fuming at CBC for implying that Alexander the Great was from North Macedonia

#MilanoCortina2026 #TeamCanada #Olympics #satire
February 6, 2026 at 8:44 PM
theemptypress.com
“There's always someone who can talk about losing a family member to natural causes, or tearing their ACL while attempting a 1080, or catching the clap at Whistler"

#MilanoCortina2026 #TeamCanada #Olympics #satire
Canadian Winter Olympians set out to prove that they're the best at sports that only rich White people play - The Empty Press
MILAN – As the 2026 Winter Olympics kick off, Canadian athletes are eager to prove that they’re the best at sports that only rich White people play. Chef de mission for the Canadian contingent, Jennif...
theemptypress.com
February 5, 2026 at 3:20 PM
theemptypress.com
“We’re not heroes. But, please like and subscribe”

#Minneapolis #ICE #AbolishICE #Wypipo #satire
Problem with ICE beautifully articulated by all-White panel. - The Empty Press
HALIFAX – In the wake of protests and inflamed tensions in the United States, the issues with the actions of Immigration and Customs Enforcement have been beautifully articulated by an all-White panel...
theemptypress.com
February 2, 2026 at 12:57 AM
theemptypress.com
I mean, if you really want to see white and orange combined you could always look at the POTUS.

@halifaxretales.bsky.social
halifaxretales.bsky.social Halifax ReTales @halifaxretales.bsky.social · 20d
I miss the old NHL logo/colours
January 31, 2026 at 2:33 PM
theemptypress.com
Thanks for making us laugh, Ms. O'Hara.

#CatherineOhara #RIP #Canada
January 30, 2026 at 8:56 PM
theemptypress.com
"I've been taking inspiration from watching clips of Cirque Du Soleil, videos of cats stretching, and porn, lots and lots of porn"

#cars #mechanics #satire
Tragic! Sexy mechanic severs spine while seductively inspecting engine - The Empty Press
LOWER SACKVILLE – In a horrifying scene, local sexy mechanic Hilary Palance was left paralyzed after her spinal cord snapped while she was seductively leaning over to inspect an engine. “It was a rout...
theemptypress.com
January 30, 2026 at 2:52 PM
theemptypress.com
Evidently, "Damning new video shows Alex Pretti not hurting anyone" wasn't a snappy-enough title.

@dailymail.co.uk

#Minneapolis #AlexPretti #DailyMail
January 30, 2026 at 1:50 PM
theemptypress.com
Just a friendly reminder that Renee Good and Alex Pretti were protesting because they weren't the only people killed by ICE.

#Minneapolis #ReneeGood #AlexPretti
January 29, 2026 at 4:57 PM
theemptypress.com
Then:

No, you can't work from home! It hurts productivity!

Now:

So what if it's snowing? Just work from home! You'll get a lot done!

#Snow #WorkLife #Snowday #Halisky
January 28, 2026 at 5:48 PM
theemptypress.com
We re-posting this because a lot unpleasant types seem to trying to turn us against the White ladies we like, and need.

#ReneeGood #ReneeWasBetterThanGood #Minneapolis
PSA: Not all Karens are Bad - The Empty Press
We here at The Empty Press would like to take a moment to register our frustration with a recent trend. The colloquialism “Karen” used to refer to entitled White ladies who leverage their privilege on...
theemptypress.com
January 27, 2026 at 11:31 PM
theemptypress.com
Canadians have been waiting nearly 30 years for another opportunity to mercilessly mock Torontonians for their response to a blizzard.

Please don't disappoint us.

#CallInTheTroops

#Toronto
January 25, 2026 at 11:45 PM
theemptypress.com
The people defaming Renee Good and Alex Pretti are the same ones who used to claim that "All Lives Matter"

#Minneapolis #AlexPretti #ReneeGood
January 25, 2026 at 10:58 PM
theemptypress.com
Hey Hollywood,

Did you know that some Brown people have last names that AREN'T "Patel"?

#CrazyButTrue #Desi
January 19, 2026 at 11:24 PM
theemptypress.com
In a related story, Houston revealed that his team had learned that a recent purchase of edibles in Digby had caused Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s testicles to swell to the size of a grapefruit.

#Halifax #NovaScotia #Cannabis #NSPoli
Houston warns Nova Scotians to check their pets for illegal dispensaries - The Empty Press
HALIFAX – Nova Scotian Premier Tim Houston is advising Nova Scotians to check their cats and dogs for illegal cannibas dispensaries. In a statement at Province House this morning, Mr. Houston told the...
theemptypress.com
January 18, 2026 at 11:45 PM