The Empty Press
LightNews LightNews
banner
theemptypress.com
The Empty Press
@theemptypress.com
95 followers 3 following 560 posts
We're TheEmptyPress, AKA "The Old Dark Lady". We write worthless, satirical garbage. Also, we're not an AI, we're just bad at what we do.

https://linktr.ee/theemptypress
Posts Replies Media Videos
theemptypress.com
The people of Central Park will be silenced no longer.

#CentralPark #NYC #Mamdani #NYTimes
Mamdani election
November 5, 2025 at 2:01 PM
theemptypress.com
Gosh.. it's almost as if the climate is.. changing?

www.tsn.ca/mlb/article/...

#ClimateChange #BeHereForIt #Cubs #MLB
Cubs
October 8, 2025 at 2:46 PM
theemptypress.com
Find someone who DOESN’T look at you like Charlotte Louise Burckhardt.

@metmuseum.org

#Art #Artitude #PosingBitchFace #JohnSingerSargent #TheMet
Lady with the Rose
October 7, 2025 at 9:06 PM
theemptypress.com
Yeah! He was even nice to a MUSLIM guy!

torontosun.com/sports/simmo...

#Reimer #TorontoSun #GoLeafsGo #LGBTQ #LeafsForever #NHL
James Reimer
September 28, 2025 at 6:23 PM
theemptypress.com
Apparently #BoatSinkChallenge is the hottest trend on WhaleTok

#Orcas #KillerWhales

www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/arti...
National Geographic
September 26, 2025 at 2:43 AM
theemptypress.com
And we're not just saying that because we're mostly Leafs fans who know he'll never sign with Toronto.

#NHL #Hockey #GoHabsGo #LeafsForever
Habs fans. Stop trying to make “Crosby to Montreal” happen. It’s not going to happen.
September 21, 2025 at 3:57 PM
theemptypress.com
We’d like nothing more than to hear Joan Jett’s thoughts on this.

www.cbc.ca/news/canada/...

#JoanJett #SecondSons #Niagara #CBC
CBC
September 9, 2025 at 11:31 PM
theemptypress.com
Most Russian sentence ever.

www.bbc.com/news/article...

#Russia #Ukraine #War #Politics
BBC
September 6, 2025 at 3:14 PM
theemptypress.com
So, only a hundred innocent journalists have been killed?

Well, that’s a relief!

#NationalPost #CDNPoli #Halisky

nationalpost.com/opinion/cars...
National Post
August 26, 2025 at 1:27 PM
theemptypress.com
#Halifax #NovaScotia #Halisky
August 25, 2025 at 5:58 PM
theemptypress.com
Hockey: Gosh, why does our wonderful, welcoming sport have such a hard time attracting minorities?

Also Hockey:

#NHL #TSN #MarcMethot #Hockey #YouCanPlay @tsnofficial.bsky.social #Halisky
Mark Methot
August 25, 2025 at 2:51 PM
theemptypress.com
“Don’t rely on us”.

Okay then.

#politics #Maine

www.cnn.com/2025/08/19/u...
https://www.cnn.com/2025/08/19/us/maine-police-officer-immigration-arrest-hnk
August 21, 2025 at 1:06 PM
theemptypress.com
Okay, but "suspended" isn't "expelled".

#Peterborough #Racism #Hockey #Halisky
Peterborough racism
August 12, 2025 at 5:26 PM
theemptypress.com
BREAKING: Conservative leader takes strong Pro-Choice stance

#CDNPoli #AndrewScheer #EV #ClimateChange #Halisky
Andrew Scheer tweet
July 31, 2025 at 1:59 PM
theemptypress.com
Nice to make your acquaintance :)
Our profile.
July 9, 2025 at 3:25 PM
theemptypress.com
Minding your own business..
Playing your daily games..
The next thing you know..
You're learning that Catherine Keener is a time traveller.

#Framed #CatherineKeener #Conspiracy #TimeTravel #Halisky
framed.wtf
July 5, 2025 at 4:37 PM
theemptypress.com
...are they gonna deport Mark Wahlberg?

www.newsbreak.com/raw-story-20...

#Deportation #Halisky
https://www.newsbreak.com/raw-story-2096750/4084269479901-get-them-the-hell-out-trump-says-deporting-us-citizens-could-be-next-job https://www.newsbreak.com/raw-story-2096750/4084269479901-get-them-the-hell-out-trump-says-deporting-us-citizens-could-be-next-job
July 1, 2025 at 7:08 PM
theemptypress.com
Our condolences to Jake Peralta.

#Brooklyn99 #NBC #hivemind #nytsb #spellingbee
Spelling Bee
May 30, 2025 at 8:32 PM
theemptypress.com
Just tell us when we can buy our REAL World Cup tickets, already.

#FIFA #Football #Soccer #WorldCup #ClubWorldCup #Halisky
Mean Girls
May 27, 2025 at 1:02 PM
theemptypress.com
So, even the ones who aren't accused of rape still sound like jerks.

#WhoDoesntSharePizza

#Hockey #NHL #HockeyCanada #Canada #WorldJuniors #NHL #Halisky

@rickwesthead.bsky.social
https://www.tsn.ca/hockey-canada/boris-katchouk-taylor-raddysh-testify-at-london-hockey-trial-1.2299594
May 3, 2025 at 7:30 PM
theemptypress.com
If you were fired because you did something that your boss repeatedly begged you not to do, over a span of multiple decades, you weren't "cancelled". You were a fucking idiot.

#DonCherry #JoeWarmington #TorontoSun #NHL
Joe Warmington tweet
February 22, 2025 at 9:38 PM
theemptypress.com
Trump-supported Americans defeated by Trump-supporting Canadians.

#4Nations #4NationsFaceOff #NHL #CDNPoli #USACAN #CANUSA #HaliSky
https://ca.news.yahoo.com/wayne-gretzky-as-team-canadas-honorary-captain-infuriates-canadians-online-ahead-of-4-nations-final-just-plain-tone-deaf-052936754.html
February 21, 2025 at 3:13 PM
theemptypress.com
Crybabies still whining about crip walks at the Super Bowl, as if we don't watch the Peanuts kids do it every Christmas.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1OB...

#CripWalk #SuperBowLIX #SuperBowl #NFL #FlyEaglesFly #Peanuts #SerenaWilliams #KendrickLamar
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1OBMF1V_q4
February 12, 2025 at 2:57 PM
theemptypress.com
"Back in my day, dinosaurs were manly reptiles, but now, thanks to those woke paleontologists, they all look like chickens in drag!"

#AltRightPreHistory


#Dinosaurs #Drag #queer #LGBTQ #Halisky
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Deinonychus_im_NHM_Wien.JPG
February 9, 2025 at 3:50 PM
theemptypress.com
So, there were these wildfires in LA and..

#LAFire #CDNPoli #USAID #ElonMusk
Elon Musk
February 4, 2025 at 2:16 PM