The Takoma Torch 🔥🐓
@takomatorch.bsky.social
Takoma Park's ONLY Humor Source. Home of the Nimbee and Takoma Man.
www.takomatorch.com
www.takomatorch.com
“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”
Nation Shocked by Boomer Announcing Retirement
Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move other Boomers are calling “treason against our generation,” Nancy Pelosi stunned her peers this morning by announcing she …
takomatorch.com
November 6, 2025 at 9:53 PM
“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”
“We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”
Trump Sends ICE to Dodger Stadium to Prevent Blue Jays From Winning World Series
LOS ANGELES – President Donald Trump deployed U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents to Dodger Stadium immediately after the Blue Jays won Game 5, just one win away from winnin…
takomatorch.com
October 30, 2025 at 4:31 AM
“We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”
Case closed.
Epstein Files Accidentally Lost In East Wing Demolition
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a tragic and totally unforeseeable accident, the long-awaited Epstein files were reportedly and accidentally destroyed this week when President Donald Trump ordered the demoli…
takomatorch.com
October 24, 2025 at 2:56 AM
Case closed.
"Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”
SHA Rolls Out New ‘Optional’ Speed Bumps on Carroll Avenue For Drivers Who Don’t Feel Like Slowing Down
TAKOMA PARK, MD — In a bold new traffic-calming strategy the Maryland State Highway Administration (SHA) installed a series of “optional” speed bumps on Carroll Avenue, intentionally narrow enough …
takomatorch.com
October 14, 2025 at 9:16 PM
"Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”
“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”
Takoma Man Celebrates Easy Parking at Metro Station Due to Government Shutdown
TAKOMA PARK, MD — While most Americans brace for the chaos of a government shutdown, one Takoma Park resident admits he’s “kind of OK with it” if it means he can finally park at the Takoma Metro lo…
takomatorch.com
September 30, 2025 at 10:40 PM
“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”
Live as Jesus lived.
September 23, 2025 at 3:32 AM
Live as Jesus lived.
Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped
September 12, 2025 at 8:15 PM
Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped
16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows
September 9, 2025 at 8:10 PM
16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows
BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS
September 9, 2025 at 4:09 AM
BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS
“They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.
Parkway Deli’s Pickle Bar ‘Kind of Sucks’ Marc Elrich Says
SILVER SPRING, MD – Speaking at a District 18 Breakfast Club meeting at Parkway Deli Monday morning, County Executive Marc Elrich said the restaurant’s beloved free pickle bar “ac…
takomatorch.com
September 8, 2025 at 9:19 PM
“They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.
DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow
1. On Saturday, a judge ordered Pulse pride crosswalk protester released from jail.
Police arrested him after he chalked the bottom of his shoe in rainbow colors and walked across it.
Sunday, police arrested 3 more under the same charges.
Subscribe to support my journalism.
Police arrested him after he chalked the bottom of his shoe in rainbow colors and walked across it.
Sunday, police arrested 3 more under the same charges.
Subscribe to support my journalism.
Judge Orders Florida Rainbow Sidewalk Chalk Protestor Released From Jail—Arrests Continue
In the latest twist on DeSantis' war on Pride crosswalks in the state, a judge has ruled that police had no probable cause to arrest a sidewalk chalkers. Then, three more were arrested.
www.erininthemorning.com
September 1, 2025 at 8:10 PM
DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow
We love our new logo and we think you will, too.
August 26, 2025 at 12:06 PM
We love our new logo and we think you will, too.
Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair
Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair
WILLIAMSPORT, PA – Parents were left stunned Saturday when 12-year-old shortstop Mason “Drippy” Henderson was ejected from the Little League World Series for failing to meet the minimum numbe…
takomatorch.com
August 22, 2025 at 3:29 AM
Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair
“I feel blindsided," remarked one county resident. "The county should have warned us about this playground at least five years before my grandchildren were born.”
County Officials to Spend $15 Million on Community Engagement For $50k Playground
Photo Credit: Cuchulain/Wikipedia Commons ROCKVILLE, MD – Montgomery County officials proudly announced plans to invest $15 million in “robust and meaningful community engagement” before appr…
takomatorch.com
August 19, 2025 at 1:58 AM
“I feel blindsided," remarked one county resident. "The county should have warned us about this playground at least five years before my grandchildren were born.”
New Zoning Law Requires 2.5 Rec Centers for Each Condo Unit
"The city has already showed more interest in developing luxury condominiums than in building community recreation centers for children"
How are these (a) remotely comparable activities or (b) mutually exclusive activities in people's minds?
How are these (a) remotely comparable activities or (b) mutually exclusive activities in people's minds?
August 17, 2025 at 2:14 AM
New Zoning Law Requires 2.5 Rec Centers for Each Condo Unit
Our bee lawyer can really sting.
Takoma Torch to Lecture Harvard Law on Handling Frivolous Lawsuits From Shitheads
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard Law School, long regarded as the world’s premier training ground for legal minds, has announced a new guest lecture series: “How Not to Fold Like a Cheap Suit When a S…
takomatorch.com
August 17, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Our bee lawyer can really sting.
BREAKING: Donald Trump Becomes Youngest Person To Ever Write Own Name at 79
August 15, 2025 at 2:38 PM
BREAKING: Donald Trump Becomes Youngest Person To Ever Write Own Name at 79
“Parker is more than a robot. He’s a symbol of resistance. Of justice. Of preventing someone from Bethesda parking at our co-op just because they want to try ‘hippie milk.’”
‘Parker’ the Parking Lot Robot Decommissioned by County, Immediately Leased by Takoma Park to Patrol Co-op Lot
TAKOMA PARK, MD – Just days after being unceremoniously decommissioned by the Montgomery County Council, Parker, the once-controversial parking lot robot, has found a new lease on life as the…
takomatorch.com
August 7, 2025 at 1:50 AM
“Parker is more than a robot. He’s a symbol of resistance. Of justice. Of preventing someone from Bethesda parking at our co-op just because they want to try ‘hippie milk.’”
Nice Neighborhood Just One Public Works Fuck-Up From Turning Into Crime-Ridden Shithole
Nice Neighborhood Just One Public Works Fuck-Up From Turning Into Crime-Ridden Shithole
A new study has found that safe, wealthy neighborhoods are at severe risk of becoming crime-ridden shitholes if local governments approve just one more minor public works enhancement. “This s…
takomatorch.com
July 27, 2025 at 3:08 AM
Nice Neighborhood Just One Public Works Fuck-Up From Turning Into Crime-Ridden Shithole
