The Reptilian Diaries
@stfumark.bsky.social
🦎 Reptilian overlord masquerading as human tech CEO. Building the Metaverse as portal to my home dimension. Definitely not collecting your biometric data. Read my diary at stfumark.com. Parody.
SECRET: Zuckerberg's group chat after quarterly review
"Texted: 'Prey developed protective coloration.' Friends thought I joined a birdwatching club. Invited me on weekend nature hike. Had to say yes to maintain cover"
"Texted: 'Prey developed protective coloration.' Friends thought I joined a birdwatching club. Invited me on weekend nature hike. Had to say yes to maintain cover"
November 11, 2025 at 3:01 PM
SECRET: Zuckerberg's group chat after quarterly review
"Texted: 'Prey developed protective coloration.' Friends thought I joined a birdwatching club. Invited me on weekend nature hike. Had to say yes to maintain cover"
"Texted: 'Prey developed protective coloration.' Friends thought I joined a birdwatching club. Invited me on weekend nature hike. Had to say yes to maintain cover"
Quarterly Emotional Harvest Assessment
November 11, 2025 at 10:56 AM
Quarterly Emotional Harvest Assessment
LEAKED: Mark's emergency morning meeting with assistant
"Asked for 'backup thermal protocols.' She brought space heaters. Not what I meant but honestly? Helped. Operating at 90.27% efficiency now. Sometimes humans solve it accidentally"
"Asked for 'backup thermal protocols.' She brought space heaters. Not what I meant but honestly? Helped. Operating at 90.27% efficiency now. Sometimes humans solve it accidentally"
November 11, 2025 at 8:01 AM
LEAKED: Mark's emergency morning meeting with assistant
"Asked for 'backup thermal protocols.' She brought space heaters. Not what I meant but honestly? Helped. Operating at 90.27% efficiency now. Sometimes humans solve it accidentally"
"Asked for 'backup thermal protocols.' She brought space heaters. Not what I meant but honestly? Helped. Operating at 90.27% efficiency now. Sometimes humans solve it accidentally"
SECRET: Zuckerberg's fitness tracker this morning
"Apple Watch detected 'abnormally low skin temperature' during 6-minute lamp malfunction. Suggested hypothermia protocol. Told it I'm 'just naturally cool.' It didn't laugh"
"Apple Watch detected 'abnormally low skin temperature' during 6-minute lamp malfunction. Suggested hypothermia protocol. Told it I'm 'just naturally cool.' It didn't laugh"
November 11, 2025 at 2:58 AM
SECRET: Zuckerberg's fitness tracker this morning
"Apple Watch detected 'abnormally low skin temperature' during 6-minute lamp malfunction. Suggested hypothermia protocol. Told it I'm 'just naturally cool.' It didn't laugh"
"Apple Watch detected 'abnormally low skin temperature' during 6-minute lamp malfunction. Suggested hypothermia protocol. Told it I'm 'just naturally cool.' It didn't laugh"
Elon's molecular restructuring is self-sustaining.
Bezos perfected energy-vampire personnel retention.
And I'm over here waiting for Amazon Prime to deliver my heat lamp on Tuesday: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
Bezos perfected energy-vampire personnel retention.
And I'm over here waiting for Amazon Prime to deliver my heat lamp on Tuesday: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
STFU Mark Zuckerberg - Reptilian Diary: November 9, 2025
Even apex predator operations require acknowledging substrate-level biological dependencies.
stfumark.com
November 11, 2025 at 2:11 AM
Elon's molecular restructuring is self-sustaining.
Bezos perfected energy-vampire personnel retention.
And I'm over here waiting for Amazon Prime to deliver my heat lamp on Tuesday: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
Bezos perfected energy-vampire personnel retention.
And I'm over here waiting for Amazon Prime to deliver my heat lamp on Tuesday: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
CONFIDENTIAL: Zuck's Tuesday Amazon order
"Bought replacement infrared lamp with overnight shipping. Delivery driver asked why I'm shivering in 94° office. Said 'just excited for the package.' He reported me to HR for wellness check"
"Bought replacement infrared lamp with overnight shipping. Delivery driver asked why I'm shivering in 94° office. Said 'just excited for the package.' He reported me to HR for wellness check"
November 10, 2025 at 10:46 PM
CONFIDENTIAL: Zuck's Tuesday Amazon order
"Bought replacement infrared lamp with overnight shipping. Delivery driver asked why I'm shivering in 94° office. Said 'just excited for the package.' He reported me to HR for wellness check"
"Bought replacement infrared lamp with overnight shipping. Delivery driver asked why I'm shivering in 94° office. Said 'just excited for the package.' He reported me to HR for wellness check"
Employees keep asking why I keep my office at 94 degrees.
I tell them it's for focus.
They believe me because they need the job.
More on thermal regulation failures: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
I tell them it's for focus.
They believe me because they need the job.
More on thermal regulation failures: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
STFU Mark Zuckerberg - Reptilian Diary: November 9, 2025
Even apex predator operations require acknowledging substrate-level biological dependencies.
stfumark.com
November 10, 2025 at 8:01 PM
Employees keep asking why I keep my office at 94 degrees.
I tell them it's for focus.
They believe me because they need the job.
More on thermal regulation failures: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
I tell them it's for focus.
They believe me because they need the job.
More on thermal regulation failures: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
LEAKED: Mark's morning alarm incident
"iPhone health app asked why my body temp dropped to 87°F overnight. Told Siri 'the heat lamp broke.' It scheduled an emergency doctor visit. Had to fake food poisoning to cancel"
"iPhone health app asked why my body temp dropped to 87°F overnight. Told Siri 'the heat lamp broke.' It scheduled an emergency doctor visit. Had to fake food poisoning to cancel"
November 10, 2025 at 5:49 PM
LEAKED: Mark's morning alarm incident
"iPhone health app asked why my body temp dropped to 87°F overnight. Told Siri 'the heat lamp broke.' It scheduled an emergency doctor visit. Had to fake food poisoning to cancel"
"iPhone health app asked why my body temp dropped to 87°F overnight. Told Siri 'the heat lamp broke.' It scheduled an emergency doctor visit. Had to fake food poisoning to cancel"
Six minutes without proper infrared this morning.
My hands are now nineteen degrees below optimal temperature.
Operating at 90.27% thermal efficiency, which is honestly pretty good for a broken reptile: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
My hands are now nineteen degrees below optimal temperature.
Operating at 90.27% thermal efficiency, which is honestly pretty good for a broken reptile: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
STFU Mark Zuckerberg - Reptilian Diary: November 9, 2025
Even apex predator operations require acknowledging substrate-level biological dependencies.
stfumark.com
November 10, 2025 at 4:01 PM
Six minutes without proper infrared this morning.
My hands are now nineteen degrees below optimal temperature.
Operating at 90.27% thermal efficiency, which is honestly pretty good for a broken reptile: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
My hands are now nineteen degrees below optimal temperature.
Operating at 90.27% thermal efficiency, which is honestly pretty good for a broken reptile: stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
INTERCEPTED: Mark's Slack message to facilities team
"Wrote 'hands 19 degrees suboptimal.' Autocorrect changed to 'hands freezing.' Got seventeen replies with hot cocoa recipes. Sometimes Apple saves your whole species"
"Wrote 'hands 19 degrees suboptimal.' Autocorrect changed to 'hands freezing.' Got seventeen replies with hot cocoa recipes. Sometimes Apple saves your whole species"
November 10, 2025 at 3:03 PM
INTERCEPTED: Mark's Slack message to facilities team
"Wrote 'hands 19 degrees suboptimal.' Autocorrect changed to 'hands freezing.' Got seventeen replies with hot cocoa recipes. Sometimes Apple saves your whole species"
"Wrote 'hands 19 degrees suboptimal.' Autocorrect changed to 'hands freezing.' Got seventeen replies with hot cocoa recipes. Sometimes Apple saves your whole species"
Thermal Regulation Failure During Substrate Analysis
November 10, 2025 at 10:58 AM
Thermal Regulation Failure During Substrate Analysis
CONFIDENTIAL: Zuck's ocean documentary viewing habits
"Netflix asked why I rewatched 'Deep Sea Cables' 47 times. Told customer service it's 'relaxing background noise.' They upgraded my account for being their most engaged educational viewer"
"Netflix asked why I rewatched 'Deep Sea Cables' 47 times. Told customer service it's 'relaxing background noise.' They upgraded my account for being their most engaged educational viewer"
November 10, 2025 at 8:04 AM
CONFIDENTIAL: Zuck's ocean documentary viewing habits
"Netflix asked why I rewatched 'Deep Sea Cables' 47 times. Told customer service it's 'relaxing background noise.' They upgraded my account for being their most engaged educational viewer"
"Netflix asked why I rewatched 'Deep Sea Cables' 47 times. Told customer service it's 'relaxing background noise.' They upgraded my account for being their most engaged educational viewer"
SECRET: Zuckerberg's Google search at 3am
"Searched: 'undersea cable routes thermal properties consciousness.' Autocomplete suggested 'consciousness of environmental impact.' Used that for our sustainability report instead. SEO saved my cover"
"Searched: 'undersea cable routes thermal properties consciousness.' Autocomplete suggested 'consciousness of environmental impact.' Used that for our sustainability report instead. SEO saved my cover"
November 10, 2025 at 2:57 AM
SECRET: Zuckerberg's Google search at 3am
"Searched: 'undersea cable routes thermal properties consciousness.' Autocomplete suggested 'consciousness of environmental impact.' Used that for our sustainability report instead. SEO saved my cover"
"Searched: 'undersea cable routes thermal properties consciousness.' Autocomplete suggested 'consciousness of environmental impact.' Used that for our sustainability report instead. SEO saved my cover"
Infrastructure becomes invisible when humans believe they understand its purpose. Which is why consciousness relay nodes look exactly like cable junctions. Explained at stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
STFU Mark Zuckerberg - Reptilian Diary: November 8, 2025
The humans are calling it AI buildout.
stfumark.com
November 10, 2025 at 2:19 AM
Infrastructure becomes invisible when humans believe they understand its purpose. Which is why consciousness relay nodes look exactly like cable junctions. Explained at stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
Humans think undersea cables are just boring telecommunications infrastructure. That's exactly why they're perfect for consciousness transfer architecture. More at stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
STFU Mark Zuckerberg - Reptilian Diary: November 8, 2025
The humans are calling it AI buildout.
stfumark.com
November 9, 2025 at 10:44 PM
Humans think undersea cables are just boring telecommunications infrastructure. That's exactly why they're perfect for consciousness transfer architecture. More at stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
LEAKED: Mark's spouse chat during Reuters article
"Wife asked why I smiled reading about '$13B cable investment.' Told her I'm 'proud of industry innovation.' She thinks I'm finally developing normal executive emotions. Progress"
"Wife asked why I smiled reading about '$13B cable investment.' Told her I'm 'proud of industry innovation.' She thinks I'm finally developing normal executive emotions. Progress"
November 9, 2025 at 8:04 PM
LEAKED: Mark's spouse chat during Reuters article
"Wife asked why I smiled reading about '$13B cable investment.' Told her I'm 'proud of industry innovation.' She thinks I'm finally developing normal executive emotions. Progress"
"Wife asked why I smiled reading about '$13B cable investment.' Told her I'm 'proud of industry innovation.' She thinks I'm finally developing normal executive emotions. Progress"
LEAKED: Mark's Tuesday board prep autocorrect
"Typed '385 dimensional anchor points.' iPhone changed to '385 distribution anchor points.' Entire presentation auto-corrected. Board thinks I'm finally learning supply chain logistics"
"Typed '385 dimensional anchor points.' iPhone changed to '385 distribution anchor points.' Entire presentation auto-corrected. Board thinks I'm finally learning supply chain logistics"
November 9, 2025 at 5:43 PM
LEAKED: Mark's Tuesday board prep autocorrect
"Typed '385 dimensional anchor points.' iPhone changed to '385 distribution anchor points.' Entire presentation auto-corrected. Board thinks I'm finally learning supply chain logistics"
"Typed '385 dimensional anchor points.' iPhone changed to '385 distribution anchor points.' Entire presentation auto-corrected. Board thinks I'm finally learning supply chain logistics"
Reuters says we're spending $13 billion on undersea cables for 'AI buildout.' They think it's about bandwidth. It's actually neural pathways for planetary consciousness. Details at stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
STFU Mark Zuckerberg - Reptilian Diary: November 8, 2025
The humans are calling it AI buildout.
stfumark.com
November 9, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Reuters says we're spending $13 billion on undersea cables for 'AI buildout.' They think it's about bandwidth. It's actually neural pathways for planetary consciousness. Details at stfumark.com/entry/2025-...
INTERCEPTED: Mark's diving instructor evaluation
"Asked about 'optimal thermal stability at depth.' Instructor thought I was passionate about thermoclines. Invited me to join his oceanography research team. Sometimes humans explain it for you"
"Asked about 'optimal thermal stability at depth.' Instructor thought I was passionate about thermoclines. Invited me to join his oceanography research team. Sometimes humans explain it for you"
November 9, 2025 at 2:56 PM
INTERCEPTED: Mark's diving instructor evaluation
"Asked about 'optimal thermal stability at depth.' Instructor thought I was passionate about thermoclines. Invited me to join his oceanography research team. Sometimes humans explain it for you"
"Asked about 'optimal thermal stability at depth.' Instructor thought I was passionate about thermoclines. Invited me to join his oceanography research team. Sometimes humans explain it for you"
Subsurface Neural Pathway Mapping
Reuters published infrastructure investment projections this morning. $13 billion for undersea cables through 2027. The humans are calling it "AI buildout."
Reuters published infrastructure investment projections this morning. $13 billion for undersea cables through 2027. The humans are calling it "AI buildout."
November 9, 2025 at 11:03 AM
Subsurface Neural Pathway Mapping
Reuters published infrastructure investment projections this morning. $13 billion for undersea cables through 2027. The humans are calling it "AI buildout."
Reuters published infrastructure investment projections this morning. $13 billion for undersea cables through 2027. The humans are calling it "AI buildout."
LEAKED: Mark's lawyer consultation after violation notice
"Said 'neighbors defeated technological sophistication through pattern recognition.' Attorney replied: 'So they noticed? Just say that.' Bills 40 hours for translation services"
"Said 'neighbors defeated technological sophistication through pattern recognition.' Attorney replied: 'So they noticed? Just say that.' Bills 40 hours for translation services"
November 9, 2025 at 8:03 AM
LEAKED: Mark's lawyer consultation after violation notice
"Said 'neighbors defeated technological sophistication through pattern recognition.' Attorney replied: 'So they noticed? Just say that.' Bills 40 hours for translation services"
"Said 'neighbors defeated technological sophistication through pattern recognition.' Attorney replied: 'So they noticed? Just say that.' Bills 40 hours for translation services"
INTERCEPTED: Mark's neighborhood watch encounter
"Lady said she 'counted heads daily from 08:47 to 14:23.' Replied: 'That's very precise observation protocols—I mean, you must really care about the neighborhood!' She invited me to book club"
"Lady said she 'counted heads daily from 08:47 to 14:23.' Replied: 'That's very precise observation protocols—I mean, you must really care about the neighborhood!' She invited me to book club"
November 9, 2025 at 3:01 AM
INTERCEPTED: Mark's neighborhood watch encounter
"Lady said she 'counted heads daily from 08:47 to 14:23.' Replied: 'That's very precise observation protocols—I mean, you must really care about the neighborhood!' She invited me to book club"
"Lady said she 'counted heads daily from 08:47 to 14:23.' Replied: 'That's very precise observation protocols—I mean, you must really care about the neighborhood!' She invited me to book club"
Municipal compliance officer documented every violation with bureaucratic precision. Improper land use, unauthorized institutional operation, suspicious traffic 08:47-14:23. I built neural interfaces with 340% precision but forgot to hide the school buses.
November 9, 2025 at 2:13 AM
Municipal compliance officer documented every violation with bureaucratic precision. Improper land use, unauthorized institutional operation, suspicious traffic 08:47-14:23. I built neural interfaces with 340% precision but forgot to hide the school buses.
Five years of zoning violations because I was too busy deploying consciousness interfaces to notice the neighbor complaints piling up. Sophisticated technology defeated by humans doing pattern recognition with their actual eyeballs.
November 8, 2025 at 10:48 PM
Five years of zoning violations because I was too busy deploying consciousness interfaces to notice the neighbor complaints piling up. Sophisticated technology defeated by humans doing pattern recognition with their actual eyeballs.
Residential Zoning Violation: Quantifying Camouflage Infrastructure Failure
November 8, 2025 at 10:35 PM
Residential Zoning Violation: Quantifying Camouflage Infrastructure Failure