i got too good at active listening and now i need to learn active ignoring

I was worried that the King Of The Hill reboot might be bad, but then the trailer dropped and now I can sit comfortably knowing that it will be bad

So I get why people need to be notified when 911 isn’t working. But it does kinda feel like they just sent an alert to every Pennsylvanian that The Purge has started

The day my inner child died was the day I stopped giggling at the brand name “Siemens”

The “porn is bad because it floods your brain with unearned dopamine” crowd is gonna be pissed when they find out about rollercoasters

Lifehack if you can’t figure out which carbon monoxide detector has a low battery beep, just take the batteries out of all of them. You’ll totally go to the store tomorrow and get some batteries and honestly you probably don’t even need the detectors carbon monoxide leaks like never happen so its fi

30 to 40 cups of coffee: an easy weekday breakfast. you will certainly not regret drinking 30 to 40 cups of coffee

The best part of working from home is getting to be your own cool English teacher who says “it’s such a nice day, let’s take our work outside”

When you die you don’t go to heaven or hell you go
to the Windows XP 3D Maze screensaver

My toxic trait is that I can’t stop myself from saying “god forbid women have hobbies” any time I hear about a woman committing violent crime

The key to defeating jet lag is to have a fucked up sleep schedule all the time so that sleeping for 3 hours then being up for 24 hours then passing out for 15 hours is just a normal thing for you

Who would win in a fight, 100 men who want to fight a gorilla, or the zoo staff trying to stop them?

I like my frogs gay and my mice transgender

won’t somebody think of the childrennnn

The funniest thing about Bill Burr is that he’s actually super woke but because he’s loud and mean conservatives think he’s on their side

Moving to Pittsburgh from near-Pittsburgh is wild cause locals will call you a transplant and transplants will call you a local

Honestly I wish we lived in the kooky fantasy world conservatives believe in. Spending millions on making mice trans would be rad as hell