Serious Park News
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We invited the top news reporters from all over the world. Unfortunately, none showed up. We cover Theme Parks with all the seriousness they deserve: Parody.
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BREAKING: Disney announces the broken Yeti audio animatronic on Expedition Everest in Disney’s Animal Kingdom will be replaced with a new 25’ tall audio animatronic figure of Joe Rohde.
CONFIRMED: Disney will celebrate America’s 250 year anniversary next year by fully paving over Rivers of America and removing parts of the historic American frontier in Magic Kingdom to replace with IP to better reflect modern American capitalist opportunism. Here’s a picture of Patrick Warburton.
a man in a suit and tie is saying " nice work pal "
ALT: a man in a suit and tie is saying " nice work pal "
media.tenor.com
October 21, 2025 at 10:59 AM
CONFIRMED: Disney will celebrate America’s 250 year anniversary next year by fully paving over Rivers of America and removing parts of the historic American frontier in Magic Kingdom to replace with IP to better reflect modern American capitalist opportunism. Here’s a picture of Patrick Warburton.
Reposted by Serious Park News
BREAKING: Disney+ is to replace the two-season run of Andor with a recut version that runs for only five minutes, and is just Mon Mothma apologising profusely to Darth Vader for any inconvenience, and letting him have whatever he wants.
September 18, 2025 at 7:17 AM
BREAKING: Disney+ is to replace the two-season run of Andor with a recut version that runs for only five minutes, and is just Mon Mothma apologising profusely to Darth Vader for any inconvenience, and letting him have whatever he wants.
BREAKING: Universal Studios announces a new attraction will replace Race Through New York with Jimmy Fallon. The new attraction will be Race to Escape Fascism with Jimmy Kimmel
September 18, 2025 at 1:17 PM
BREAKING: Universal Studios announces a new attraction will replace Race Through New York with Jimmy Fallon. The new attraction will be Race to Escape Fascism with Jimmy Kimmel
DID YOU KNOW?
Each morning, custodian cast members working in Epcot's Land pavilion must vacuum the wall carpets before any guests arrive to notice their mysterious control over the laws of gravity, achieved by eating nothing but hydroponic tomatoes and nine pound lemons.
Each morning, custodian cast members working in Epcot's Land pavilion must vacuum the wall carpets before any guests arrive to notice their mysterious control over the laws of gravity, achieved by eating nothing but hydroponic tomatoes and nine pound lemons.
September 17, 2025 at 4:07 PM
DID YOU KNOW?
Each morning, custodian cast members working in Epcot's Land pavilion must vacuum the wall carpets before any guests arrive to notice their mysterious control over the laws of gravity, achieved by eating nothing but hydroponic tomatoes and nine pound lemons.
Each morning, custodian cast members working in Epcot's Land pavilion must vacuum the wall carpets before any guests arrive to notice their mysterious control over the laws of gravity, achieved by eating nothing but hydroponic tomatoes and nine pound lemons.
BREAKING: Universal Orlando has renamed one of their popular coasters to be called “R.I.P. Ride Rocket”
August 17, 2025 at 1:42 PM
BREAKING: Universal Orlando has renamed one of their popular coasters to be called “R.I.P. Ride Rocket”
BREAKING: Walt Disney Animated Pictures announce a new live action CG version of Sleeping Beauty in which all three fairy godmothers are resealable food storage containers
August 14, 2025 at 4:51 AM
BREAKING: Walt Disney Animated Pictures announce a new live action CG version of Sleeping Beauty in which all three fairy godmothers are resealable food storage containers
BREAKING: Disney announces limited time merchandise for closing of MuppetVision 3D
June 7, 2025 at 2:54 PM
BREAKING: Disney announces limited time merchandise for closing of MuppetVision 3D
BREAKING: Disney officially opens Epic Muppets theme park. The park, centered entirely around the Muppets, includes an AA cooking show in a Swedish Chef land called “Isle of Børk”.
a chef says " vert da furken " in a kitchen
ALT: a chef says " vert da furken " in a kitchen
media.tenor.com
May 22, 2025 at 7:20 PM
BREAKING: Disney officially opens Epic Muppets theme park. The park, centered entirely around the Muppets, includes an AA cooking show in a Swedish Chef land called “Isle of Børk”.
BREAKING: Garfield and Nermal attraction will feature prominently in new Disney park coming to Abu Dhabi.
May 7, 2025 at 1:33 PM
BREAKING: Garfield and Nermal attraction will feature prominently in new Disney park coming to Abu Dhabi.
BREAKING: Epcot announces that the newest version of Test Track will explore how, after a 35% increase in 2023, the electric car industry is thriving for companies that aren’t led by unlikeable billionaire fascist weirdos. The attraction will be renamed “Elon’s Energy Adventure”
a woman wearing glasses making a funny face
ALT: a woman wearing glasses making a funny face
media.tenor.com
April 2, 2025 at 11:41 AM
BREAKING: Epcot announces that the newest version of Test Track will explore how, after a 35% increase in 2023, the electric car industry is thriving for companies that aren’t led by unlikeable billionaire fascist weirdos. The attraction will be renamed “Elon’s Energy Adventure”
BREAKING: Disney unveils a new chain of workout studios that will allow guests to experience Pilates of the Caribbean.
January 30, 2025 at 12:34 AM
BREAKING: Disney unveils a new chain of workout studios that will allow guests to experience Pilates of the Caribbean.
BREAKING: New line of high-fiber fast casual meals and snacks coming to a reimagined food court currently under refurbishment at Disney's Pop Century Resort. During this time, guests may see or hear loud noises in the area.
January 7, 2025 at 3:33 PM
BREAKING: New line of high-fiber fast casual meals and snacks coming to a reimagined food court currently under refurbishment at Disney's Pop Century Resort. During this time, guests may see or hear loud noises in the area.
BREAKING: Epcot’s Test Track sponsor has changed from Specific Motors™️ back to General Motors™️.
December 3, 2024 at 4:00 PM
BREAKING: Epcot’s Test Track sponsor has changed from Specific Motors™️ back to General Motors™️.
NEWS FLASH: Disney’s Hollywood Studios will be removing the muppets from MuppetVision 3D and instead putting them in every other attraction in the park
a yellow puppet with glasses is sitting at a desk with his mouth open
Alt: a yellow puppet with glasses is sitting at a desk with his mouth open
media.tenor.com
November 23, 2024 at 1:13 AM
NEWS FLASH: Disney’s Hollywood Studios will be removing the muppets from MuppetVision 3D and instead putting them in every other attraction in the park
BREAKING: Disney imagineers have released their plans for a new monorail with one less track.
November 17, 2024 at 7:44 PM
BREAKING: Disney imagineers have released their plans for a new monorail with one less track.
BREAKING: That white ibis, who ate your fried chicken sandwich at Geyser Point when you were weren’t looking, was just diagnosed with arteriosclerosis by a doctor ibis.
November 17, 2024 at 4:40 PM
BREAKING: That white ibis, who ate your fried chicken sandwich at Geyser Point when you were weren’t looking, was just diagnosed with arteriosclerosis by a doctor ibis.
BREAKING: Our interest in Twitter.
November 14, 2024 at 2:00 AM
BREAKING: Our interest in Twitter.
BREAKING: Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL announces an early closure tomorrow, just in case Hurricane Milton tries any funny business like teleporting to Lake Michigan
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
BREAKING: Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL announces an early closure tomorrow, just in case Hurricane Milton tries any funny business like teleporting to Lake Michigan
CONFIRMED: Universal Studios Orlando have released an announcement assuring guests that their new How to Train Your Dragon land will not be named “Isle of Twerk” as has been reported elsewhere.
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
CONFIRMED: Universal Studios Orlando have released an announcement assuring guests that their new How to Train Your Dragon land will not be named “Isle of Twerk” as has been reported elsewhere.
CONFIRMED: Hershey park apologizes to guests for mixing up the mocktail “blood bags” at their Dark Nights event with the donations collected by yesterday’s blood drive.
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
CONFIRMED: Hershey park apologizes to guests for mixing up the mocktail “blood bags” at their Dark Nights event with the donations collected by yesterday’s blood drive.
BREAKING: Epcot announces that the Land Pavilion boat ride will be rethemed from plants to meat and the water for the boats will be replaced with gravy. The new ride will be called “Living With the Lard”
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
BREAKING: Epcot announces that the Land Pavilion boat ride will be rethemed from plants to meat and the water for the boats will be replaced with gravy. The new ride will be called “Living With the Lard”
BREAKING: Lost in the hubbub of D23 was the announcement that Magic Kingdom will be replacing Main Street USA with an outlet mall in which each storefront is solely merchandise from a different film.
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
BREAKING: Lost in the hubbub of D23 was the announcement that Magic Kingdom will be replacing Main Street USA with an outlet mall in which each storefront is solely merchandise from a different film.
CONFIRMED: Walt Disney World imagineer shocked to learn that cars can’t drive on water
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
CONFIRMED: Walt Disney World imagineer shocked to learn that cars can’t drive on water
EXCLUSIVE: Magic Kingdom Vice President declares the overhaul of Magic Kingdom, started yesterday, to be complete for some reason unrelated to all the plans that were announced.
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
EXCLUSIVE: Magic Kingdom Vice President declares the overhaul of Magic Kingdom, started yesterday, to be complete for some reason unrelated to all the plans that were announced.
CONFIRMED: Disney has launched the Disney Treasure — their first cruise ship themed entirely to the film Treasure Planet
November 15, 2024 at 6:23 PM
CONFIRMED: Disney has launched the Disney Treasure — their first cruise ship themed entirely to the film Treasure Planet