Scott Clevenger
@scottclevenger.bsky.social
Author. Co-host of The Slumgullion podcast. Hypocritical screenwriter. I write mean but funny movie reviews at Better Living Through Bad Movies: https://clevenger.substack.com
Once you've tried Lipton California Dip, you'll go on to bigger things.
Cuz why would you waste your life sampling dehydrated soup? You've DARED the DIP! You're ready for SOMETHING BIGGER!
Like a 5-county killing spree climaxing in a desperate shoot-out in a Fresno raisin field.
Cuz why would you waste your life sampling dehydrated soup? You've DARED the DIP! You're ready for SOMETHING BIGGER!
Like a 5-county killing spree climaxing in a desperate shoot-out in a Fresno raisin field.
January 8, 2026 at 5:57 PM
Once you've tried Lipton California Dip, you'll go on to bigger things.
Cuz why would you waste your life sampling dehydrated soup? You've DARED the DIP! You're ready for SOMETHING BIGGER!
Like a 5-county killing spree climaxing in a desperate shoot-out in a Fresno raisin field.
Cuz why would you waste your life sampling dehydrated soup? You've DARED the DIP! You're ready for SOMETHING BIGGER!
Like a 5-county killing spree climaxing in a desperate shoot-out in a Fresno raisin field.
HIM: Granny, no! I told you to put something on the next time you haunted me!
HER: Oh pshaw! I was nudist in life, why would I go to my eternal reward in a corset and high button shoes? Now give Granny a kiss!
HIM: Ugh, no! MOM! Granny’s ghost is going all free-titty in my room again! Make her stop!
HER: Oh pshaw! I was nudist in life, why would I go to my eternal reward in a corset and high button shoes? Now give Granny a kiss!
HIM: Ugh, no! MOM! Granny’s ghost is going all free-titty in my room again! Make her stop!
January 8, 2026 at 5:35 AM
HIM: Granny, no! I told you to put something on the next time you haunted me!
HER: Oh pshaw! I was nudist in life, why would I go to my eternal reward in a corset and high button shoes? Now give Granny a kiss!
HIM: Ugh, no! MOM! Granny’s ghost is going all free-titty in my room again! Make her stop!
HER: Oh pshaw! I was nudist in life, why would I go to my eternal reward in a corset and high button shoes? Now give Granny a kiss!
HIM: Ugh, no! MOM! Granny’s ghost is going all free-titty in my room again! Make her stop!
CRIMSON HARVEST!
YELLOW DOOM!
GREEN CLOVERS!
The original design of the Lucky Charms box was a lot more dynamic and, frankly, a much better reflection of my mood first thing in the morning.
YELLOW DOOM!
GREEN CLOVERS!
The original design of the Lucky Charms box was a lot more dynamic and, frankly, a much better reflection of my mood first thing in the morning.
January 7, 2026 at 9:39 PM
CRIMSON HARVEST!
YELLOW DOOM!
GREEN CLOVERS!
The original design of the Lucky Charms box was a lot more dynamic and, frankly, a much better reflection of my mood first thing in the morning.
YELLOW DOOM!
GREEN CLOVERS!
The original design of the Lucky Charms box was a lot more dynamic and, frankly, a much better reflection of my mood first thing in the morning.
They said it couldn't be done, but now Hunt's fine CATSUP has FLAVOR! Confuse your French fries with new HICKORY! Pour our liquid PIZZA on your tubesteak! But catsup traditionalists can relax, because Hunt's Catsup still comes in original Odorless, Colorless, Non-Toxic flavor!
January 6, 2026 at 4:56 PM
They said it couldn't be done, but now Hunt's fine CATSUP has FLAVOR! Confuse your French fries with new HICKORY! Pour our liquid PIZZA on your tubesteak! But catsup traditionalists can relax, because Hunt's Catsup still comes in original Odorless, Colorless, Non-Toxic flavor!
Outside, it's cold as a Witch's Teat. But inside, it's warm as a Salem Box.
January 6, 2026 at 4:44 PM
Outside, it's cold as a Witch's Teat. But inside, it's warm as a Salem Box.
Bob really...I mean REALLY...wants to toss your salad.
January 5, 2026 at 7:43 PM
Bob really...I mean REALLY...wants to toss your salad.
Hey, can we get the Mackerel Fluffer in here? My fish pudding's looking a little flaccid.
January 5, 2026 at 5:49 PM
Hey, can we get the Mackerel Fluffer in here? My fish pudding's looking a little flaccid.
REBEL TROOPER: Freeze, Wampa!
WAMPA: Grr?
REBEL: One false move and we'll BLAST you!
WAMPA: (WHIMPERS)
REBEL: Now...SLOWLY...perform two relevés into a sauté. Land in a grand plié, then finish in 5th position! (YELLS) And who the hell put on Stravinsky? He can't dance to this Firebird shit!
WAMPA: Grr?
REBEL: One false move and we'll BLAST you!
WAMPA: (WHIMPERS)
REBEL: Now...SLOWLY...perform two relevés into a sauté. Land in a grand plié, then finish in 5th position! (YELLS) And who the hell put on Stravinsky? He can't dance to this Firebird shit!
January 5, 2026 at 2:01 PM
REBEL TROOPER: Freeze, Wampa!
WAMPA: Grr?
REBEL: One false move and we'll BLAST you!
WAMPA: (WHIMPERS)
REBEL: Now...SLOWLY...perform two relevés into a sauté. Land in a grand plié, then finish in 5th position! (YELLS) And who the hell put on Stravinsky? He can't dance to this Firebird shit!
WAMPA: Grr?
REBEL: One false move and we'll BLAST you!
WAMPA: (WHIMPERS)
REBEL: Now...SLOWLY...perform two relevés into a sauté. Land in a grand plié, then finish in 5th position! (YELLS) And who the hell put on Stravinsky? He can't dance to this Firebird shit!
🎼Stop! In the naaaaame of Love!
Before you break my--🎶
Hang on, I think my vag is shorting out...
Before you break my--🎶
Hang on, I think my vag is shorting out...
January 4, 2026 at 9:51 PM
🎼Stop! In the naaaaame of Love!
Before you break my--🎶
Hang on, I think my vag is shorting out...
Before you break my--🎶
Hang on, I think my vag is shorting out...
THE GAMBLER (2014): Mark Wahlberg gives an electrifying performance, but he's no Kenny Rogers. Also, his chicken roasters aren't that good.
January 4, 2026 at 5:35 PM
THE GAMBLER (2014): Mark Wahlberg gives an electrifying performance, but he's no Kenny Rogers. Also, his chicken roasters aren't that good.
Meet the Honorable Miss Ansonia Flax, Private Secretary to the Minister of Silly Walks.
January 3, 2026 at 2:24 PM
Meet the Honorable Miss Ansonia Flax, Private Secretary to the Minister of Silly Walks.
"Welcome, Frank! Good to see you."
"Ha! Yeah. That joke never gets old. Say, Bob...you feeling alright? You look a little--"
"Oh, that. Yeah, it's such a hot day I decided to spray on some underarm deodorant and boy was THAT a mistake...!"
"Ha! Yeah. That joke never gets old. Say, Bob...you feeling alright? You look a little--"
"Oh, that. Yeah, it's such a hot day I decided to spray on some underarm deodorant and boy was THAT a mistake...!"
January 2, 2026 at 6:01 PM
"Welcome, Frank! Good to see you."
"Ha! Yeah. That joke never gets old. Say, Bob...you feeling alright? You look a little--"
"Oh, that. Yeah, it's such a hot day I decided to spray on some underarm deodorant and boy was THAT a mistake...!"
"Ha! Yeah. That joke never gets old. Say, Bob...you feeling alright? You look a little--"
"Oh, that. Yeah, it's such a hot day I decided to spray on some underarm deodorant and boy was THAT a mistake...!"
HIM: Did you receive my Invitation by Bullet?
HER: In my left butt cheek, yes. I’ll be sending my Regrets by rattlesnake in your bedroll.
HER: In my left butt cheek, yes. I’ll be sending my Regrets by rattlesnake in your bedroll.
January 2, 2026 at 3:38 AM
HIM: Did you receive my Invitation by Bullet?
HER: In my left butt cheek, yes. I’ll be sending my Regrets by rattlesnake in your bedroll.
HER: In my left butt cheek, yes. I’ll be sending my Regrets by rattlesnake in your bedroll.
HIM: I'M MORGO THE MIGHTY!
ANT: C'mon Mr. Morgo, let's calm down and take our meds.
HIM: Nooo! Let GO'a me! I'll HARM you with my DEADLY BLADE! (MAKES FEEBLE STABBING MOTIONS) Uh! Uh!
ANT: Sir, that's a soggy root vegetable you saved from lunch.
ANT: C'mon Mr. Morgo, let's calm down and take our meds.
HIM: Nooo! Let GO'a me! I'll HARM you with my DEADLY BLADE! (MAKES FEEBLE STABBING MOTIONS) Uh! Uh!
ANT: Sir, that's a soggy root vegetable you saved from lunch.
January 1, 2026 at 5:48 PM
HIM: I'M MORGO THE MIGHTY!
ANT: C'mon Mr. Morgo, let's calm down and take our meds.
HIM: Nooo! Let GO'a me! I'll HARM you with my DEADLY BLADE! (MAKES FEEBLE STABBING MOTIONS) Uh! Uh!
ANT: Sir, that's a soggy root vegetable you saved from lunch.
ANT: C'mon Mr. Morgo, let's calm down and take our meds.
HIM: Nooo! Let GO'a me! I'll HARM you with my DEADLY BLADE! (MAKES FEEBLE STABBING MOTIONS) Uh! Uh!
ANT: Sir, that's a soggy root vegetable you saved from lunch.
I have read the Terms of Service and End User Agreement for 2026 and I: [ ] AGREE [ ] DO NOT AGREE
January 1, 2026 at 4:53 PM
I have read the Terms of Service and End User Agreement for 2026 and I: [ ] AGREE [ ] DO NOT AGREE
HER: Got a light?
HIM: Sure! Say, that's, uh, kind of a short cigarette.
HER: No, it's a King Size. The other end's touching my uvula.
HIM: Shouldn't most of it be *outside* your mouth?
HER: Eh. Once a carnival midway sword-swallower, always a carnival midway sword-swallower.
HIM: Sure! Say, that's, uh, kind of a short cigarette.
HER: No, it's a King Size. The other end's touching my uvula.
HIM: Shouldn't most of it be *outside* your mouth?
HER: Eh. Once a carnival midway sword-swallower, always a carnival midway sword-swallower.
December 31, 2025 at 10:20 PM
HER: Got a light?
HIM: Sure! Say, that's, uh, kind of a short cigarette.
HER: No, it's a King Size. The other end's touching my uvula.
HIM: Shouldn't most of it be *outside* your mouth?
HER: Eh. Once a carnival midway sword-swallower, always a carnival midway sword-swallower.
HIM: Sure! Say, that's, uh, kind of a short cigarette.
HER: No, it's a King Size. The other end's touching my uvula.
HIM: Shouldn't most of it be *outside* your mouth?
HER: Eh. Once a carnival midway sword-swallower, always a carnival midway sword-swallower.
[CLOCK STRIKES 11]
HIM: Crap! We're late for the Johnson's New Years party!
HER: Oh for pity's SAKE, Harold! I told you, didn't I? I TOLD you not to get all dressed up for a quickie!
HIM: Well I--
HER: Oh just get off me. I still have to cauterize this thing and put on my face.
HIM: Crap! We're late for the Johnson's New Years party!
HER: Oh for pity's SAKE, Harold! I told you, didn't I? I TOLD you not to get all dressed up for a quickie!
HIM: Well I--
HER: Oh just get off me. I still have to cauterize this thing and put on my face.
December 31, 2025 at 4:25 PM
[CLOCK STRIKES 11]
HIM: Crap! We're late for the Johnson's New Years party!
HER: Oh for pity's SAKE, Harold! I told you, didn't I? I TOLD you not to get all dressed up for a quickie!
HIM: Well I--
HER: Oh just get off me. I still have to cauterize this thing and put on my face.
HIM: Crap! We're late for the Johnson's New Years party!
HER: Oh for pity's SAKE, Harold! I told you, didn't I? I TOLD you not to get all dressed up for a quickie!
HIM: Well I--
HER: Oh just get off me. I still have to cauterize this thing and put on my face.
The Kennedy Center is explicitly a memorial. This is like chiseling your own name onto someone else's tombstone.
December 31, 2025 at 1:02 AM
The Kennedy Center is explicitly a memorial. This is like chiseling your own name onto someone else's tombstone.
Bobo realized too late that his Pert Plus For Pelts Leave-In Creame Rinse wasn’t supposed to be left in overnight. It hardened, trapping him, but Bobo didn't let that stop him and now works as a mascot, holding a giant muffler outside the Midas shop in Needles, California.
December 30, 2025 at 7:59 PM
Bobo realized too late that his Pert Plus For Pelts Leave-In Creame Rinse wasn’t supposed to be left in overnight. It hardened, trapping him, but Bobo didn't let that stop him and now works as a mascot, holding a giant muffler outside the Midas shop in Needles, California.
HER: They say stolen sweets taste all the sweeter, but I dunno...this high fructose corn syrup still tastes like shit.
December 30, 2025 at 5:18 AM
HER: They say stolen sweets taste all the sweeter, but I dunno...this high fructose corn syrup still tastes like shit.
These are two of the five forms the Bible tells us that seafood must never take. The other three are liquid, gaseous, or planted side by side with flax.
December 29, 2025 at 4:46 PM
These are two of the five forms the Bible tells us that seafood must never take. The other three are liquid, gaseous, or planted side by side with flax.
If clickbait smelled like real bait, I would save a huge amount of time.
December 28, 2025 at 6:02 PM
If clickbait smelled like real bait, I would save a huge amount of time.
If you love your pipe wrench, let it go.
If it doesn't return, then it was never yours to begin with.
But if it comes back to you, then you accidentally threw a boomerang and maybe get your head out of your ass cuz we're trying to produce an inspirational poster here.
If it doesn't return, then it was never yours to begin with.
But if it comes back to you, then you accidentally threw a boomerang and maybe get your head out of your ass cuz we're trying to produce an inspirational poster here.
December 28, 2025 at 5:52 PM
If you love your pipe wrench, let it go.
If it doesn't return, then it was never yours to begin with.
But if it comes back to you, then you accidentally threw a boomerang and maybe get your head out of your ass cuz we're trying to produce an inspirational poster here.
If it doesn't return, then it was never yours to begin with.
But if it comes back to you, then you accidentally threw a boomerang and maybe get your head out of your ass cuz we're trying to produce an inspirational poster here.