Sam On The Computer
@samalexjohnston.bsky.social
World's smartest idiot. World's dumbest genius. I look like David Cameron going undercover at Download Festival, and I do a podcast called 24 Bauer Party People. I'm not happy about it either.
When you call in Raptured to work then run into your boss on the tribulation plains of Gehenna 😫😫😫
September 23, 2025 at 11:50 AM
When you call in Raptured to work then run into your boss on the tribulation plains of Gehenna 😫😫😫
What are some good places to slouch towards for someone just getting into being a rough beast, its hour come at last
September 17, 2025 at 3:39 PM
What are some good places to slouch towards for someone just getting into being a rough beast, its hour come at last
How it feels being a Brit and being told increasingly implausibly that a world leader isn't on death's door
September 2, 2025 at 12:20 PM
How it feels being a Brit and being told increasingly implausibly that a world leader isn't on death's door
THE WETHERSPOONS BOUNCER: You don't have any outside drinks, do you lad?
ME:
ME:
August 28, 2025 at 9:10 PM
THE WETHERSPOONS BOUNCER: You don't have any outside drinks, do you lad?
ME:
ME:
Sometimes I think I handled lockdown OK. Sometimes I'll see just how I was typing back then
Oh no
I know this is far fetched but does anyone remember a thread that was published on twitter back in 2020-ish, where this girl's OKC match was involved in an epic battle against the person that kept putting pumpkins on his property?
July 2, 2025 at 10:23 PM
Sometimes I think I handled lockdown OK. Sometimes I'll see just how I was typing back then
Thinking about getting really into being a guy with light to moderate back pain
June 30, 2025 at 9:07 PM
Thinking about getting really into being a guy with light to moderate back pain
Doing a remake of The Enigma Of Amigara Fault where "my hole" is replaced with "my assigned window seat on a five hour summertime British Rail journey" and the shape at the end is whatever kind of semi-ambulatory sweat golem I have today become
June 28, 2025 at 6:57 PM
Doing a remake of The Enigma Of Amigara Fault where "my hole" is replaced with "my assigned window seat on a five hour summertime British Rail journey" and the shape at the end is whatever kind of semi-ambulatory sweat golem I have today become
Tenancy deposit dispute scheme dismissed 96% of what my old landlord tried to get me to pay them. Very smugly feeling this right now lads
![Mark from Peep Show edited saying "What's funnier - zero [damages] or, like, a humiliating [£50]?"](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:ury6qgnq7h46syxsjhihnetl/bafkreiguonkw32wlmxu54kuavb32pq3knhxdk2r2jk2nbuvb24mr2fdtja@jpeg)
May 27, 2025 at 2:51 PM
Tenancy deposit dispute scheme dismissed 96% of what my old landlord tried to get me to pay them. Very smugly feeling this right now lads
ME: Grandpa... I have finally opened my lasagna restaurant... are you proud
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
Encountered this new restaurant earlier and already know I'll be repeating it's tagline to myself every so often like it's a piece of ancient wisdom for a month
May 26, 2025 at 6:29 PM
ME: Grandpa... I have finally opened my lasagna restaurant... are you proud
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
Encountered this new restaurant earlier and already know I'll be repeating it's tagline to myself every so often like it's a piece of ancient wisdom for a month
May 26, 2025 at 12:47 AM
Encountered this new restaurant earlier and already know I'll be repeating it's tagline to myself every so often like it's a piece of ancient wisdom for a month
[Witnessing my mighty works decay through time and entropy, leaving only two vast and trunkless legs in a boundless desert] My works!
May 22, 2025 at 4:40 PM
[Witnessing my mighty works decay through time and entropy, leaving only two vast and trunkless legs in a boundless desert] My works!
ETHAN HUNT: I'll stop you. I don't care how many backflips I have to do
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
May 16, 2025 at 11:50 AM
ETHAN HUNT: I'll stop you. I don't care how many backflips I have to do
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
One time I saw a scorpion get out of a car wearing a jacket with Ryan Gosling on the back
May 9, 2025 at 9:12 PM
One time I saw a scorpion get out of a car wearing a jacket with Ryan Gosling on the back
I think if Rihanna flirtatiously called me a "rude boy" I'd probably get pretty offended. Once her team explained it to me I'd calm down but it would be a tense twenty to thirty minutes until I got it
April 8, 2025 at 11:26 PM
I think if Rihanna flirtatiously called me a "rude boy" I'd probably get pretty offended. Once her team explained it to me I'd calm down but it would be a tense twenty to thirty minutes until I got it
Can't believe I just spent three days in a delirious state from a nearly 40° fever and the best post idea I hallucinated was "what idiot called it Battlestar Galactica and not Deep Space Nine Eleven"
April 2, 2025 at 6:12 PM
Can't believe I just spent three days in a delirious state from a nearly 40° fever and the best post idea I hallucinated was "what idiot called it Battlestar Galactica and not Deep Space Nine Eleven"
BREAKING: Astronomers blame unprecedented "twice as many stars as usual" cosmic anomaly on rare newborn two-headed calf - "As a scientist, I say we stomp that freaky bovine twerp, pronto"
March 27, 2025 at 10:22 PM
BREAKING: Astronomers blame unprecedented "twice as many stars as usual" cosmic anomaly on rare newborn two-headed calf - "As a scientist, I say we stomp that freaky bovine twerp, pronto"
I'm about to open a can of whoopass. Not right now though. Gonna put it in the freezer so it's nice and frosty when I open it up in ten minutes. Now to simply remember to open it so I don't get whoopass all over the fridge
March 21, 2025 at 8:02 PM
I'm about to open a can of whoopass. Not right now though. Gonna put it in the freezer so it's nice and frosty when I open it up in ten minutes. Now to simply remember to open it so I don't get whoopass all over the fridge
Hey guys, sorry if you had any issues with Mickey 17. Bong Joon-Ho said every time I suggested he should focus on one or two themes and develop them satisfyingly, he'd add another scene that was just about sauce. Needless to say it only took eleven or twelve times before I got the message
March 19, 2025 at 11:42 AM
Hey guys, sorry if you had any issues with Mickey 17. Bong Joon-Ho said every time I suggested he should focus on one or two themes and develop them satisfyingly, he'd add another scene that was just about sauce. Needless to say it only took eleven or twelve times before I got the message
I have GOT to get better at taking my meds before bed. Dreamt last night of a dating app for centrists called "Nuancd". Product of an ill mind.
March 18, 2025 at 5:50 PM
I have GOT to get better at taking my meds before bed. Dreamt last night of a dating app for centrists called "Nuancd". Product of an ill mind.
People that say they'd want to live in the pokemon world need to read up on Rawls' Veil of Ignorance. You think you'd be a Cooltrainer or a Hex Maniac, but think about how many Shorts Mans there are. I don't think you'd want that. I know I don't
March 14, 2025 at 8:47 PM
People that say they'd want to live in the pokemon world need to read up on Rawls' Veil of Ignorance. You think you'd be a Cooltrainer or a Hex Maniac, but think about how many Shorts Mans there are. I don't think you'd want that. I know I don't
Elon keeps bitching about how hard it is to be the richest man alive. Buddy, I've got two solutions for that problem. Three if you're ready to get real open minded
March 12, 2025 at 10:40 AM
Elon keeps bitching about how hard it is to be the richest man alive. Buddy, I've got two solutions for that problem. Three if you're ready to get real open minded
ME: Don't worry, man. You'll be remembered, in the same breath as such greats as Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens!
THE BIG BOPPER: Wow, people will love my music forever?
ME: well, uh
BOPPER: or will it be for my talent for surviving plane crashes?
ME: you're putting me in a real bind here, Bopper
THE BIG BOPPER: Wow, people will love my music forever?
ME: well, uh
BOPPER: or will it be for my talent for surviving plane crashes?
ME: you're putting me in a real bind here, Bopper
February 18, 2025 at 11:38 AM
ME: Don't worry, man. You'll be remembered, in the same breath as such greats as Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens!
THE BIG BOPPER: Wow, people will love my music forever?
ME: well, uh
BOPPER: or will it be for my talent for surviving plane crashes?
ME: you're putting me in a real bind here, Bopper
THE BIG BOPPER: Wow, people will love my music forever?
ME: well, uh
BOPPER: or will it be for my talent for surviving plane crashes?
ME: you're putting me in a real bind here, Bopper
ME, USING A TIME MACHINE TO INTRODUCE PEOPLE IN 1946 TO BILLY JOEL: So that one was "We Didn't Start The Fire". It's all about the next 40 years.
JFK AGE 29: what did that one line about me mean
ME: this next one is Piano Man. It's about a Piano Man, I guess
JFK: what, er, ah, did it fucking mean
JFK AGE 29: what did that one line about me mean
ME: this next one is Piano Man. It's about a Piano Man, I guess
JFK: what, er, ah, did it fucking mean
February 17, 2025 at 2:56 PM
ME, USING A TIME MACHINE TO INTRODUCE PEOPLE IN 1946 TO BILLY JOEL: So that one was "We Didn't Start The Fire". It's all about the next 40 years.
JFK AGE 29: what did that one line about me mean
ME: this next one is Piano Man. It's about a Piano Man, I guess
JFK: what, er, ah, did it fucking mean
JFK AGE 29: what did that one line about me mean
ME: this next one is Piano Man. It's about a Piano Man, I guess
JFK: what, er, ah, did it fucking mean
Sorry, I'm gonna be late, my bus is having the plot of the movie Speed happen to it. Yeah I know it seems like that would help get me there faster but it's actually way less convenient than you'd think
February 7, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Sorry, I'm gonna be late, my bus is having the plot of the movie Speed happen to it. Yeah I know it seems like that would help get me there faster but it's actually way less convenient than you'd think
MY MUM, SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001: oh God. It's all too much
MY DAD: Jesus. Did you hear about the Pentagon
ME, SIX YEARS OLD, HAVING LEARNED MY SHAPES THAT MORNING: yes :)
MY DAD: Jesus. Did you hear about the Pentagon
ME, SIX YEARS OLD, HAVING LEARNED MY SHAPES THAT MORNING: yes :)
February 6, 2025 at 8:04 PM
MY MUM, SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001: oh God. It's all too much
MY DAD: Jesus. Did you hear about the Pentagon
ME, SIX YEARS OLD, HAVING LEARNED MY SHAPES THAT MORNING: yes :)
MY DAD: Jesus. Did you hear about the Pentagon
ME, SIX YEARS OLD, HAVING LEARNED MY SHAPES THAT MORNING: yes :)