Sam On The Computer
@samalexjohnston.bsky.social
World's smartest idiot. World's dumbest genius. I look like David Cameron going undercover at Download Festival, and I do a podcast called 24 Bauer Party People. I'm not happy about it either.
Hate searching for a flat. See a nice-looking place, solid location, check the listing, and right at the bottom they clarify it's The Bone Temple. I specifically marked "low to zero" on the Number Of Bones filter but landlords will try anything
January 16, 2026 at 5:00 PM
Hate searching for a flat. See a nice-looking place, solid location, check the listing, and right at the bottom they clarify it's The Bone Temple. I specifically marked "low to zero" on the Number Of Bones filter but landlords will try anything
Drunk driving the Magic School Bus through the wonders of the human body until a white blood cell pulls me over with a breathalyser
January 14, 2026 at 12:22 AM
Drunk driving the Magic School Bus through the wonders of the human body until a white blood cell pulls me over with a breathalyser
O'Brien in Deep Space 9 seems like he suffered excessively but you have to remember he metaphysically murdered countless people manning the Enterprise transporter. Also he didn't cherish his fox of a wife
January 13, 2026 at 11:44 PM
O'Brien in Deep Space 9 seems like he suffered excessively but you have to remember he metaphysically murdered countless people manning the Enterprise transporter. Also he didn't cherish his fox of a wife
Taking Benjamin Button to the movies to see Memento but he doesn't get even that one because he's on his phone the whole time texting his increasingly age-inappropriate situationship
January 13, 2026 at 11:41 PM
Taking Benjamin Button to the movies to see Memento but he doesn't get even that one because he's on his phone the whole time texting his increasingly age-inappropriate situationship
Six-year-old music producer whose track tag is just them open mouth coughing on the mic
January 13, 2026 at 11:24 PM
Six-year-old music producer whose track tag is just them open mouth coughing on the mic
This is how it feels to arbitrarily click "allow all cookies" on sites I like
December 18, 2025 at 1:02 PM
This is how it feels to arbitrarily click "allow all cookies" on sites I like
All-female banjo hipster band called Sonford & Mums
December 14, 2025 at 12:18 AM
All-female banjo hipster band called Sonford & Mums
Will Smith just slapped Chris Rock at The Game Awards
December 12, 2025 at 3:33 AM
Will Smith just slapped Chris Rock at The Game Awards
When you call in Raptured to work then run into your boss on the tribulation plains of Gehenna 😫😫😫
September 23, 2025 at 11:50 AM
When you call in Raptured to work then run into your boss on the tribulation plains of Gehenna 😫😫😫
What are some good places to slouch towards for someone just getting into being a rough beast, its hour come at last
September 17, 2025 at 3:39 PM
What are some good places to slouch towards for someone just getting into being a rough beast, its hour come at last
How it feels being a Brit and being told increasingly implausibly that a world leader isn't on death's door
September 2, 2025 at 12:20 PM
How it feels being a Brit and being told increasingly implausibly that a world leader isn't on death's door
THE WETHERSPOONS BOUNCER: You don't have any outside drinks, do you lad?
ME:
ME:
August 28, 2025 at 9:10 PM
THE WETHERSPOONS BOUNCER: You don't have any outside drinks, do you lad?
ME:
ME:
Sometimes I think I handled lockdown OK. Sometimes I'll see just how I was typing back then
Oh no
I know this is far fetched but does anyone remember a thread that was published on twitter back in 2020-ish, where this girl's OKC match was involved in an epic battle against the person that kept putting pumpkins on his property?
July 2, 2025 at 10:23 PM
Sometimes I think I handled lockdown OK. Sometimes I'll see just how I was typing back then
Thinking about getting really into being a guy with light to moderate back pain
June 30, 2025 at 9:07 PM
Thinking about getting really into being a guy with light to moderate back pain
Doing a remake of The Enigma Of Amigara Fault where "my hole" is replaced with "my assigned window seat on a five hour summertime British Rail journey" and the shape at the end is whatever kind of semi-ambulatory sweat golem I have today become
June 28, 2025 at 6:57 PM
Doing a remake of The Enigma Of Amigara Fault where "my hole" is replaced with "my assigned window seat on a five hour summertime British Rail journey" and the shape at the end is whatever kind of semi-ambulatory sweat golem I have today become
Tenancy deposit dispute scheme dismissed 96% of what my old landlord tried to get me to pay them. Very smugly feeling this right now lads
![Mark from Peep Show edited saying "What's funnier - zero [damages] or, like, a humiliating [£50]?"](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:ury6qgnq7h46syxsjhihnetl/bafkreiguonkw32wlmxu54kuavb32pq3knhxdk2r2jk2nbuvb24mr2fdtja@jpeg)
May 27, 2025 at 2:51 PM
Tenancy deposit dispute scheme dismissed 96% of what my old landlord tried to get me to pay them. Very smugly feeling this right now lads
ME: Grandpa... I have finally opened my lasagna restaurant... are you proud
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
Encountered this new restaurant earlier and already know I'll be repeating it's tagline to myself every so often like it's a piece of ancient wisdom for a month
May 26, 2025 at 6:29 PM
ME: Grandpa... I have finally opened my lasagna restaurant... are you proud
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
MY GRANDFATHER, RIDDLED WITH DEMENTIA BUT STILL TRYING TO UNDERCUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS: Lasagna is the queen. But pasta is the kingdom.
Encountered this new restaurant earlier and already know I'll be repeating it's tagline to myself every so often like it's a piece of ancient wisdom for a month
May 26, 2025 at 12:47 AM
Encountered this new restaurant earlier and already know I'll be repeating it's tagline to myself every so often like it's a piece of ancient wisdom for a month
[Witnessing my mighty works decay through time and entropy, leaving only two vast and trunkless legs in a boundless desert] My works!
May 22, 2025 at 4:40 PM
[Witnessing my mighty works decay through time and entropy, leaving only two vast and trunkless legs in a boundless desert] My works!
ETHAN HUNT: I'll stop you. I don't care how many backflips I have to do
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
May 16, 2025 at 11:50 AM
ETHAN HUNT: I'll stop you. I don't care how many backflips I have to do
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
THE ENTITY: White Genocide [1] is a disputed term used by
One time I saw a scorpion get out of a car wearing a jacket with Ryan Gosling on the back
May 9, 2025 at 9:12 PM
One time I saw a scorpion get out of a car wearing a jacket with Ryan Gosling on the back
I think if Rihanna flirtatiously called me a "rude boy" I'd probably get pretty offended. Once her team explained it to me I'd calm down but it would be a tense twenty to thirty minutes until I got it
April 8, 2025 at 11:26 PM
I think if Rihanna flirtatiously called me a "rude boy" I'd probably get pretty offended. Once her team explained it to me I'd calm down but it would be a tense twenty to thirty minutes until I got it
Can't believe I just spent three days in a delirious state from a nearly 40° fever and the best post idea I hallucinated was "what idiot called it Battlestar Galactica and not Deep Space Nine Eleven"
April 2, 2025 at 6:12 PM
Can't believe I just spent three days in a delirious state from a nearly 40° fever and the best post idea I hallucinated was "what idiot called it Battlestar Galactica and not Deep Space Nine Eleven"
BREAKING: Astronomers blame unprecedented "twice as many stars as usual" cosmic anomaly on rare newborn two-headed calf - "As a scientist, I say we stomp that freaky bovine twerp, pronto"
March 27, 2025 at 10:22 PM
BREAKING: Astronomers blame unprecedented "twice as many stars as usual" cosmic anomaly on rare newborn two-headed calf - "As a scientist, I say we stomp that freaky bovine twerp, pronto"
I'm about to open a can of whoopass. Not right now though. Gonna put it in the freezer so it's nice and frosty when I open it up in ten minutes. Now to simply remember to open it so I don't get whoopass all over the fridge
March 21, 2025 at 8:02 PM
I'm about to open a can of whoopass. Not right now though. Gonna put it in the freezer so it's nice and frosty when I open it up in ten minutes. Now to simply remember to open it so I don't get whoopass all over the fridge