NewsThump
@newsthump.com
Topical satire from the UK and around the world. You're not supposed to believe what we write, you idiot.
NEWS! Kid Rock to finally drop inaccurate words 'Kid' and 'Rock' from name
Kid Rock to finally drop inaccurate words ‘Kid’ and ‘Rock’ from name
Following his appearance at TPUSA alternative Superbowl half-time show, 54-year-old Kid Rock has confirmed he is to drop the words “Kid” and “Rock” from his name as neither …
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February 9, 2026 at 3:15 PM
NEWS! Kid Rock to finally drop inaccurate words 'Kid' and 'Rock' from name
NEWS! 'Bad Bunny was sh*t' insists whichever White House staffer is currently using Donald Trump's social media
‘Bad Bunny was sh*t’ insists unknown White House staffer using Donald Trump’s social media
An unknown White House staffer who is responsible for making many of Donald Trump social media decisions, and updating the world on any current US policies, has insisted today that Bad Bunny’s half…
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February 9, 2026 at 2:04 PM
NEWS! 'Bad Bunny was sh*t' insists whichever White House staffer is currently using Donald Trump's social media
This Valentine's Day, give your special someone the gift that says they are definitely the okayest person you could be with. Get yours for husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends here >>> buff.ly/LldlTpf
February 9, 2026 at 10:42 AM
This Valentine's Day, give your special someone the gift that says they are definitely the okayest person you could be with. Get yours for husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends here >>> buff.ly/LldlTpf
NEWS! Wimps version of rugby over for another year newsthump.com/2026/02/09/w...
Wimps version of rugby over for another year
The Superbowl has finished, apparently.
newsthump.com
February 9, 2026 at 9:40 AM
NEWS! Wimps version of rugby over for another year newsthump.com/2026/02/09/w...
NEWS! Rampant consumerism celebrates 60th consecutive Super Bowl victory
Rampant consumerism celebrates 60th consecutive Super Bowl victory
Marketing professionals are celebrating yet another magnificent victory in yesterday’s Super Bowl LIX, after securing unprecedented levels of coverage for their range of tawdry products.
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February 9, 2026 at 8:31 AM
NEWS! Rampant consumerism celebrates 60th consecutive Super Bowl victory
I see #SuperbOwl is trending, so here’s the most superb one I’ve seen.
February 8, 2026 at 10:47 PM
I see #SuperbOwl is trending, so here’s the most superb one I’ve seen.
Reposted by NewsThump
RFK, taking his dietary lesson from Lions and tigers, hunting the plains and jungles for a Petits Filous
RFK Jr on what he'll eat during the Super Bowl: "I am on a carnivore diet so I just eat meat and ferments, and I'm very happy with that. So I'm probably going to have yogurt."
February 8, 2026 at 10:19 PM
RFK, taking his dietary lesson from Lions and tigers, hunting the plains and jungles for a Petits Filous
NEWS! JD Vance booed by wife and kids newsthump.com/2026/02/08/j...
JD Vance booed by wife and kids
Following a frosty reception at the Winter Olympics opening ceremony, things got even worse for US Vice President JD Vance when he was loudly booed by his own wife and kids.
newsthump.com
February 8, 2026 at 4:12 PM
NEWS! JD Vance booed by wife and kids newsthump.com/2026/02/08/j...
TROTTERS10 discount code on the NewsThump store ends at midnight tonight. 10% off everything (up to 30% when you buy more than one). Including our latest Trotter's Chandelier Cleaning Company Tee! Plus FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/U7Q4I5g
February 8, 2026 at 11:51 AM
TROTTERS10 discount code on the NewsThump store ends at midnight tonight. 10% off everything (up to 30% when you buy more than one). Including our latest Trotter's Chandelier Cleaning Company Tee! Plus FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/U7Q4I5g
NEWS! "I don't look at half the sh*t I share online", insists Trump
“I don’t look at half the sh*t I share online”, insists Trump
Donald Trump has reassured supporters that he is deeply offended anyone would assume he watches or reads any of the things he posts online, explaining that if he did that, he’d “never get any posti…
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February 7, 2026 at 3:57 PM
NEWS! "I don't look at half the sh*t I share online", insists Trump
"You wouldn't take a bath with a raw egg" - our new T-shirt design inspired by the brilliant Bob Mortimer and his now legendary appearance on Would I Lie To You? Get yours with free UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/S4RvvUq
February 7, 2026 at 3:13 PM
"You wouldn't take a bath with a raw egg" - our new T-shirt design inspired by the brilliant Bob Mortimer and his now legendary appearance on Would I Lie To You? Get yours with free UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/S4RvvUq
NEWS! Grima Wormtongue's links to Saruman the White 'didn't raise alarms' during vetting process
Grima Wormtongue’s links to Saruman the White ‘didn’t raise alarms’ during vetting process
Grima Wormtongue being a tool of the will of Saruman of Isengard was overlooked in the haste to appoint him as main advisor to King Theoden of Rohan, according to reports today.
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February 7, 2026 at 12:27 PM
NEWS! Grima Wormtongue's links to Saruman the White 'didn't raise alarms' during vetting process
NEWS! Morgan McSweeney to recommend Gary Glitter as new US Ambassador newsthump.com/2026/02/06/m...
Morgan McSweeney to recommend Gary Glitter as new US Ambassador
The Prime Minister’s chief of staff Morgan McSweeney has advised Keir Starmer to appoint Gary Glitter as the new US ambassador, after his vetting process came back completely clean.
newsthump.com
February 6, 2026 at 3:11 PM
NEWS! Morgan McSweeney to recommend Gary Glitter as new US Ambassador newsthump.com/2026/02/06/m...
NEWS! Man who buried his cash in a sock at the bottom of his garden once again outperforms Bitcoin newsthump.com/2026/02/06/m...
Man who buried his cash in a sock at the bottom of his garden once again outperforms Bitcoin
A man who chose to bury cash in his garden is once again outperforming pretty much every ‘crypto-guru’ who will no doubt find their way into the social media comments around this articl…
newsthump.com
February 6, 2026 at 2:24 PM
NEWS! Man who buried his cash in a sock at the bottom of his garden once again outperforms Bitcoin newsthump.com/2026/02/06/m...
Trotter's Chandelier Cleaning Company, Est. 1982. The greatest cleaning business that never was. "A smashing service, with no catches!".
Get our T-shirt homage with FREE UK delivery, and 10% off with the coupon code TROTTERS10 until midnight Sunday, right here >>> buff.ly/BkkTUMW
Get our T-shirt homage with FREE UK delivery, and 10% off with the coupon code TROTTERS10 until midnight Sunday, right here >>> buff.ly/BkkTUMW
February 6, 2026 at 12:23 PM
Trotter's Chandelier Cleaning Company, Est. 1982. The greatest cleaning business that never was. "A smashing service, with no catches!".
Get our T-shirt homage with FREE UK delivery, and 10% off with the coupon code TROTTERS10 until midnight Sunday, right here >>> buff.ly/BkkTUMW
Get our T-shirt homage with FREE UK delivery, and 10% off with the coupon code TROTTERS10 until midnight Sunday, right here >>> buff.ly/BkkTUMW
NEWS! Man now only 12 lbs away from achieving New Year's Resolution to lose 10 lbs newsthump.com/2026/02/06/m...
Man now only 12 lbs away from achieving New Year’s Resolution to lose 10 lbs
After stepping on the scales this morning, Basingstoke resident Simon Williams has confirmed he is now just 12 lbs away from achieving his New Year’s resolution to lose 10 lbs.
newsthump.com
February 6, 2026 at 10:00 AM
NEWS! Man now only 12 lbs away from achieving New Year's Resolution to lose 10 lbs newsthump.com/2026/02/06/m...
It would be very unusual to see 3-year-olds reading the Telegraph, but surely this headline can only be true if the readers were born after 22nd October 2022, when Liz Truss left office?
February 6, 2026 at 9:13 AM
It would be very unusual to see 3-year-olds reading the Telegraph, but surely this headline can only be true if the readers were born after 22nd October 2022, when Liz Truss left office?
It's just over 30 years since Jaws was released, and now we've released this Tee in honour of Captain Quint, Amity Island's finest shark hunter! Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/ZtZGeuc
February 5, 2026 at 2:03 PM
It's just over 30 years since Jaws was released, and now we've released this Tee in honour of Captain Quint, Amity Island's finest shark hunter! Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/ZtZGeuc
NEWS! "We had no way of knowing man forced to resign twice for corruption would be corrupt" insists Starmer
“We had no way of knowing man forced to resign twice for corruption would be corrupt” insists Starmer
Prime Minister Keir Starmer has reminded everyone that there was no way of knowing that a man who was forced to resign from government office twice for corruption would turn out to be corrupt.
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February 5, 2026 at 1:01 PM
NEWS! "We had no way of knowing man forced to resign twice for corruption would be corrupt" insists Starmer
NEWS! Labour relieved Mandelson’s resignation 'to avoid causing further embarrassment' prevented further embarrassment
Labour relieved Mandelson’s resignation ‘to avoid causing further embarrassment’ prevented further embarrassment
Labour and Keir Starmer’s government are grateful for disgraced peer Peter Mandelson resigning at the start of the week because he didn’t want to ‘cause further embarrassment.’
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February 5, 2026 at 11:45 AM
NEWS! Labour relieved Mandelson’s resignation 'to avoid causing further embarrassment' prevented further embarrassment
NEWS! "Actors should stay out of politics, except for intellectual titan Holly Valance," insist Reform voters newsthump.com/2026/02/05/a...
“Actors should stay out of politics, except for intellectual titan Holly Valance,” insist Reform voters
In an abrupt U-Turn, Reform supporter Simon Williams, formerly a passionate advocate of celebrities shutting the fuck up on matters of state, has granted Holly Valance a license to speak freely.
newsthump.com
February 5, 2026 at 10:50 AM
NEWS! "Actors should stay out of politics, except for intellectual titan Holly Valance," insist Reform voters newsthump.com/2026/02/05/a...
This month will see the 30th anniversary of the movie Trainspotting. We've made a few parody T-shirts over the years, but this one is by FAR the most popular. I wonder why? Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/bkdyRd3
February 4, 2026 at 3:20 PM
This month will see the 30th anniversary of the movie Trainspotting. We've made a few parody T-shirts over the years, but this one is by FAR the most popular. I wonder why? Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/bkdyRd3
NEWS! Peter Mandelson announced as first contestant in new series of Celebrity Traitors
Peter Mandelson announced as first contestant in new series of Celebrity Traitors
Disgraced former Minister and Peer Peter Mandelson has been announced as the first contestant in the next series of Celebrity Traitors.
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February 4, 2026 at 11:56 AM
NEWS! Peter Mandelson announced as first contestant in new series of Celebrity Traitors
NEWS! "I'm the real victim in all this," insists man forced to live in slightly less opulent surroundings newsthump.com/2026/02/04/i...
“I’m the real victim in all this,” insists man forced to live in slightly less opulent surroundings
A man who once lived in a 30-room mansion has bravely spoken out about his ordeal after being asked to move into a different royal property that is, by some cruel twist of fate, marginally less gra…
newsthump.com
February 4, 2026 at 11:00 AM
NEWS! "I'm the real victim in all this," insists man forced to live in slightly less opulent surroundings newsthump.com/2026/02/04/i...
NEWS! Man decides arrival at front of busy coffee shop queue the perfect time to start reading menu newsthump.com/2026/02/04/m...
Man decides arrival at front of busy coffee shop queue the perfect time to start reading menu
A London man has shocked fellow customers by choosing his arrival at the front of the coffee shop queue as the perfect time to review the options before him on the menu.
newsthump.com
February 4, 2026 at 9:56 AM
NEWS! Man decides arrival at front of busy coffee shop queue the perfect time to start reading menu newsthump.com/2026/02/04/m...